a letter from romeo

[love-long-gone]

so our love is forbidden?
well then we'll just keep it hidden
if somebody ask's we'll just say that we're kiddin'
there will be a time to show the whole world
and let them watch our love unfurl
forget the others we'll do our best
we'll walk away from this huge mess
and please forgive me for making this trip so hard
and forcing us to keep love barred
i promise I'll make it all up to you
i love you so much and you always knew

~LJC~

[Delta40]

L2 and L3 both contain 'we'll just' which is apparent and does not complement the piece you are writing. I am not sure who Romeo is talking to in L9. Who is 'us'? I don't imagine it was Juliet. The word 'knew' in the final line strikes me as past tense where the rest of your poem is mostly in the present tense.

I like short love poems and if you maybe revise the piece, it will have more appeal.

[love-long-gone]

the title isn't supposed to mean that it's an actual letter from romeo to juliet its supposed to play on the fact that the two peoples love is forbidden at the moment

[Delta40]

It doesn't change the repetitive lines that I mentioned above and unless I accept that the narrator is apologising to their lover for forcing them to keep their love secret, L9 is confusing for me. Also the last line if written correctly should be i love you so much and you have always known because to write it as 'always knew' one is forced to ask knew what? Knew that I would never give up on you? Knew that even though I forced you to keep our love secret I have always loved you? I guess the reason why I am pointing this out is because a rhyming poem can actually control how the poem is written. This can result in a poem that doesn't pack the punch you might like it to on account that you're trying to find words which rhyme together rather than depicting what it is you want, in this case - forbidden love.

[love-long-gone]

well you see this is an actual letter wrote to someone, so to fully understand the depth at which this poem is supposed to dig you'd have to be in one of the persons situations

[Delta40]

I appreciate that of course but you have posted this as a poem on Lit-Net to be reviewed and critiqued and not as a letter to someone who to appreciate its depth, must be one of the persons concerned.

Did you want to write a poem that would convey the depth and gravity of each others feelings to one another who, kept silent by a secret, cannot be free to love? If that is the case, you have not quite achieved this in the poetry world although the recipient of the letter may well feel the writer did so. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, we have been excluded from the depths of understanding as per your comment and that is the point I am making. It would be so much more powerful if you could invoke this feeling in the reader also.