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Bluehound
02-21-2011, 06:59 AM
On entering the room she admired the man's physique, he was so powerful and strong yet supple and flexible; she crossed the floor to meet him.
Mrs Brown always wore a disguise when she met her three men, a different wig and a different name for each. The one she was meeting now thought she was a blonde named Lucy.
It was so liberating to be someone else, even for a short while and she had become addicted to the thrill of it. Besides her husband would kill her if he found out what she was doing, she had no doubt about that.

These engagements made her feel so alive; something she hadn't felt since she was first married. Sometimes she cried at night for the girl she once was, lost now in this body already bowed and middle-aged at 32.
However when she was Lucy, Catherine or Amelia, she was vibrant once more, brought to life by attention from the men that she met in those guises. Just by putting on the wigs; blonde, brunette or red head she felt much sexier and more exciting than she could ever be as mousy Mrs Brown.

She had once been so full of optimism but Mr Brown had crushed and beaten it out of her. Not that he put her in hospital every week, he didn't need to, just the knowledge that he could and had done in the past was enough.
Chipping away at her confidence everyday for 15 years, with snide comments and little slaps. He constantly told her she was useless and no one else would want her, until she almost believed it.

That had finally changed a few months ago. A friend from work had persuaded her to go to an aerobics class. Such a small thing, it had been the only thing she had done for herself in years. Mr Brown had grunted something about "sorting out your saggy bum" when she asked for his permission and so she took that as authorization to go.

The experience was vitalising, with each bend and stretch she felt life return to her limbs. She could almost feel the youth flowing like tonic into her veins and the strength returning to her, both physically and mentally.
Her confidence came back and with it a new sense of purpose. She felt like a different woman.
Now she regularly became three different women that her friends and family, had she been allowed to have any, wouldn't have recognised.

The man "Lucy" had her rendezvous with today was a personal trainer, he made her body do things it had forgotten how to do, and after every session she was left exhausted and aching.

"Amelia" was a brunette who had an arrangement with an actor, an occupation Mr Brown would definitely disprove of.
Before they had married she had enjoyed the theatre and painting, but he thought such pursuits were a waste of time so she had stopped them.
Stopped them without a struggle, like so many things he had taken from her, she had given in so easily.
At times she could feel the rage inside, like a ball of hot white light, as if every time she should have fought back or retaliated was stored there, compacted down but threatening to spill out.

"Catherine" was an incandescent red head; she regularly met up with an older man whose interests were in the ancient orient and martial arts. His home was beautifully decorated and she loved spending time there with this calm and disciplined man, such a contrast to Mr Brown. She would settle in the garden and meditate, feeling composed and happy for the first time in years.

Mrs Brown was sure that the glow she could feel on the inside must be visible without.
She would arrive home always afraid that he would know what she had done. Such a predictable man, almost constantly sat on his throne in the lounge. She would approach head down and give him the customary peck on the cheek.
Luckily he would rarely take his eyes from the telly to look into hers; usually he immediately barked an order at her, so she could withdraw to the safety of the kitchen. There she would fight back the bile of repulsion that threatened to rise and smother any, hysterical, feelings of elation and fear.

She only went out alone at night once a year, to the annual works do. This year she planned to make the most of it, she was going to be free of Mr Brown and tonight was the night.
As usual he was nesting in the lounge as she left him, surrounded by neat piles of snacks and newspapers. Looking as though he intended to be there all night, but she knew differently, she knew what he really did on this night every year. She had followed him more than once, down to a seedy bar where girls will do more than just dance for you if you have enough money for them.
She pecked him on the cheek and walked out in to the hall, collecting a specially packed bag on the way and off into the night.

Quarter past ten and the girls from work were quite merry now, half heartedly asking her if she would like to dance, but knowing she would refuse as always. This year she might have said yes, her confidence was back and would have loved to join in, but she was distracted.
It was nearly time.

At ten twenty she told Janine from accounts that she felt unwell and went to the bathroom. Janine followed her and watched as she went into the cubical, good.
"I will be ok "she said "just give me a few minutes, too much wine I guess".
This was a lie she hadn't touched a drop, but had been pouring it into Janine's glass instead.

When she heard Janine stagger back out of the bathroom she opened the window and climbed down to the street. Retrieving her bag from the bushes she quickly changed out of her party clothes into a black outfit of combat trousers, top and baseball cap. Strapped on a sports watch and started the stop clock.
"Ten minutes" she whispered to herself.

She ran across to the other side of town in three minutes and thanks to "Lucy's" fitness levels she was hardly out of breath.
She slipped into an alley. Her heart started to pound; using breathing techniques she calmed her self and waited.
He soon came along, strutting after his visit to the whore house.
She called out to him "Mr Brown!" he turned with typical arrogance and walked into the darkness with confidence.
He didn't even see her there - a lethal shadow amongst all the benign ones.

"Catherine" took over now, using his body weight against him, spinning him round and snapping his neck before he could react, as taught by her Sensei.
Mr Brown was dead before he hit the ground; gratefully she thought she saw a shimmer of recognition in his eyes as he tumbled.
Quickly she stole his wallet, ring and phone, then dragged him without ceremony dumping him in the corner by some bins.

Swiftly she ran back to the party changed, wiped her self over with a wet towel and shimmied back up the drain pipe to the window.
It had taken 11 minutes; she had to stifle a frenzied laugh as she emerged from the cubical. Janine was just coming back to check on her.

"Feeling better love? "Janine asked
"Oh yes much better, now" she replied as "Amelia" began to take over.

Her performance would be worthy of an Oscar, the concerned wife as they searched for him, the grieving widow when they found him. Oh yes all those acting lessons "Amelia" had would come in very handy, especially for playing poor, dedicated, mousy Mrs Brown who wouldn't harm a spider.

It was with love that later, after she had disposed of all other evidence, she packed the three wigs away in the attic, smiling to herself as she said,
"Not forever, girls, not forever, just till the coast is clear."

Delta40
02-21-2011, 07:24 AM
If it was not for the creation of different personalities, I would have considered this a predictable and unoriginal story. I particularly like how you outlined their marriage with insight into the abuse aspect of it. I would have liked to have seen an expansion on the various personalities - almost the adventures of these other identities she assumes as the need arises.

Bluehound
07-31-2011, 07:14 PM
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hillwalker
08-01-2011, 05:56 AM
I actually found the first story a little tedious and predictable - far too much background shoe-horned into the opening left no space for the reader to get a feel for Mrs Brown's character or motivation.

When we actually arrive at the action it came as a total surprise - not necessarily a satisfying one - mainly because it seemed totally out of character. It actually reads like an unrelated back-story tagged onto a different story.
I'm curious why you chose to introduce Mrs Brown's 3 personas then ditched them in order to tell us something that happened long before they ever came into being.

In a nutshell I had major problems with the plot structure - the story arc - it seemed muddled, as if you were trying to make sure all the background was filled in rather than draw out a compelling story. For such an intriguing plot there was no tension or drama.

I see this was part a longer piece - in which case it would have been much more effective to introduce the 3 characters in a more subtle way, providing an element of surprise as the reader slowly realises all 3 are the same one - mousey Mrs Brown.
We don't even need to know she was the one who murdered her husband until much later in the story... do we?

It's a great idea for a story and you have a talent for writing but you need to work on constructing the plot so that the reader is driven to continue reading. Spilling the beans right at the start makes one wonder is there any point in ploughing through what follows.

H

Bluehound
08-01-2011, 07:19 AM
Yes I must agree to an extent, when I wrote the first part (incidentally one of my first stories ever) it was just a stand alone piece, the rest kind of spilled out the other day when I was reading it back. So I guess I might have done things differently had I known it was going to be an on going story.

But as for it being out of character for her to kill her husband - well that is the point of the story, she would never kill her husband. She had to create the three alter egos first to do it for her and to help her cope with it , physically and mentally.

hillwalker
08-01-2011, 07:42 AM
But as for it being out of character for her to kill her husband - well that is the point of the story, she would never kill her husband. She had to create the three alter egos first to do it for her and to help her cope with it , physically and mentally.

I see that - but you didn't prepare the reader for the twist. And it came about at a rather strange point in the story - before she took on her new persona if I'm reading it correctly (since she only goes out once night a year???).

You need to use some foreshadowing in a story so the reader can see what's about to happen if he picks up the clues. There were no warning signs in what appeared up to that moment when she decided to climb out of the window.
There's no mention of the husband's whoring, no suggestion she has the physical strength or motivation to carry out the act so it seems unrealistic.

It would have worked better if we discover the guy has been murdered - but don't actually find out it was the wife who killed him until her new personailities are revealed bit by bit. Even then it needs to be done subtly so the reader almost feels he knows something before the story-teller knows it.

But now you have decided to embark on a longer piece you'll hopefully realise it's in need of editing and restructuring anyway.

Good luck with it

H

Bluehound
08-01-2011, 08:06 AM
Yes definitely, unfortunately I don't seem to be able to edit the first part, does that always happen after so many months?

hillwalker
08-01-2011, 10:53 AM
Yes definitely, unfortunately I don't seem to be able to edit the first part, does that always happen after so many months?

Usually coming back to a piece after a few months gives you a fresh viewpoint and you see things that don't quite fit - things you missed in the frenzy of getting it all written down first time round.

The easiest way to change the plot structure is to find a new starting point for the story itself. Some bits you can then cut and paste into later sections - but others you will need to rewrite or discard. It's all part of writing I'm afraid. No one ever created anything perfect in a single draft - it's an impossibility.

H

Bluehound
08-01-2011, 11:16 AM
Yes but I mean I physically can't, the edit button is literally missing :D

By the way thankyou very much for all of you advice it is appreciated.

hillwalker
08-01-2011, 11:35 AM
Ah... on LitNet you mean. The Edit facility disappears after a while.

That doesn't really matter as this was an exercise to generate feedback I'm guessing. But there's nothing stopping you revamp your own personal version presumably.

H

Neilson Black
02-28-2012, 08:14 PM
This made me chuckle in a few parts. Especially the descriptions of where she loses her passions to a controlling man and where he is stuck in his ways like in his front room. Quite fun with the idea of her changing persona's, even if it was predictable, it was a fun read with mature writing in areas.

WolfLarsen
02-28-2012, 11:48 PM
It's late and I'm tired and I don't have time to finish this but I like the first half of the story. I wish I could finish it. I like the story, or what I had time to read. Sorry.