The Garden

[DieterM]

And he walked through the meadow
And he smelled grass and fern
And his thoughts flapped in spring gusts
And he hummed lonesome tunes

And his shoes wet with dew drops
And his tears on a rose

And he stood on shaky tiptoes
And he reached for the stars
And his hands came back empty
And he moped and night fell

And he recalled their kissing
And how sweet their embrace

[everyadventure]

I'm afraid I found all the "ands" a distraction; I had to go back and read it again pretending they weren't there...
perhaps you were trying for a certain style? But I think the poem would be more accessible if you switched it up a bit. I liked "his thoughts flapped in spring gusts / and he hummed lonesome tunes."

[DieterM]

I should have called it 'The Garden 'a song' perhaps... Because it wanted it to be a bit song-ish, see, rather like PJ HArvey's 'The Garden' (whence the multiple 'ands' at the beginning of the lines). When I wrote it, I was humming that song all along, as a matter of fact... I'm afraid I have even borrowed the rhythm of it.

[Delta40]

I liked the song 'Coz' which tended to start most lines with this word. As a song, it undoubtedly works, as a poem, a bit more challenging.

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter, I'm afraid I concur with Delta's initial response. I see what you were going for but I'm not sure that it quite works as it is. Still, nice to see you posting.

Live long and prosper. H