Playing (Parts)

[the facade]

This poem is admittedly influenced by Cummings. I don't know if it is poetry at all but I'm giving it a shot.

Playing (Parts)

Alone*g -
sighed the wall,
in the great
synagAgue,
hang
the great figures
of Jew – ish
his
story;
resting,
within their gilded
frames.

deep Wrinkles
Blossom
in their frames:
producing gaping wounds,
Contract –
ing its
Tense-d
skin,
Peeling off and Crumbling
the golden coating.


under
frowning brows,
the figures
glare out
through their
Thick
(like history)
Lenses -
focalizing
on the Staccato'd
Gait
of their
Visit -
tears.

[YesNo]

I didn't understand it, so maybe it is poetry. ;)

[everyadventure]

I know you're going for an e.e. cummings feel, but I thought the style distracted a bit from what would otherwise be an interesting poem. I like how the characters in the paintings are "resting," and how you describe the aging of these images with "crumbling golden coating. Original topic choice.

[Bar22do]

I also think more transparency would do good to your poem. I think I've got the feel of it, but it was hard to read. A good try nevertheless, IMO.
(ah, and you have "frame" twice closely, perhaps lose one).

Best regards from Bar

[the facade]

I know you're going for an e.e. cummings feel, but I thought the style distracted a bit from what would otherwise be an interesting poem. I like how the characters in the paintings are "resting," and how you describe the aging of these images with "crumbling golden coating. Original topic choice.

Thanks for the comment! I think I might try to rewrite it in different form.

[the facade]

I also think more transparency would do good to your poem. I think I've got the feel of it, but it was hard to read. A good try nevertheless, IMO.
(ah, and you have "frame" twice closely, perhaps lose one).

Best regards from Bar

Yeah I was also worried about repeating "frame". Thanks!

[Delta40]

I've never read cummings so I really couldn't say. I felt like I was walking through some kind of monument without really knowing the full story behind it.

[weltanschauung]

I didn't understand it, so maybe it is poetry. ;)

LOL, awesome!