Very short story :)

[Soul_Blazer]

Hey guys! I have to write a short story for one of my English classes and this is what I have. I would love any comments/criticism/help that you are willing to offer. Literally anything!! thanks!

He walked with intent. Sure of where he was going, but cautious. The stares of passerby’s seemed to prod him, begging to ask what he was doing. He hadn’t slept in days and wasn’t sure of the time. There was a lot on his mind as he walked through the narrow streets of his little town. Past failures and mistakes, which he had made a lot. Successes – there were a few, and soon to be one more - one more wonderful, colourful mark on the world, which would mark him forever in the memories of the people who passed him by. And her – how could she? He had known her deeper and more intimately than even she knew herself. The gifts he lavished on her. Every Saturday he would watch her doorstep as his parcels were delivered to her step. Parcels were always arrived on Saturdays in that big brown truck. She seemed to disregard every gift and ignore his futile attempts at love. Did she even know he existed? She will – Oh she will. He could see his destination up ahead. The town center, Sunday, after church – Everyone will be there. He quickened his pace, heartbeat almost pulsing through his chest. His palms were sweaty, clamy but nothing is going to stop him from being remembered - one more success. He makes it to the town center and puts his hand down his trench coat and feels the cold steel and the warmth of the wooden handle. Now here he is, waiting for church to let out at twelve. “This is a Sunday no one will ever forget.” He muttered. He’s now calm. Ready for the bell to let everyone out before lunch. The big brown truck full of parcels drives - Tomorrow, one more success…

[MANICHAEAN]

When I started reading it I thought, there is too much going on here. A troubled mind. Then at the last section, woohh; the blade, the church, the girl. The implicit threat is definately there and it comes across.
M

[hillwalker]

There's a good deal of menace in the build-up, but far too much internalised dialogue about his past relationship for my liking.

It's as if you are using his thoughts as a lazy way of telling the reader everything that went before - telling us the couple's story through his thoughts. Do we really need to know everything?

No. What we really need to know is what he's feeling now - what is it that's driving him to carry out this act. Surely that's the crux of the story.

The opening sentence is a perfect example of what is lacking in this piece - 'He walked with intent' - how do you know? Can you describe what that looks like? Because if not, the reader will not be able to picture it in his mind. Telling is different to showing. Strangely enough good story-telling involves showing. Rule numero uno in writing.

And parts of it were like quotes from that song 'My Way' - "Successes - there were a few" (but then again, too few to mention).

As dramatic as the ending was intended to be, it become lost in the rather ordinary build-up. I would show us how angry he's becoming with every step he takes towards that church - we need to see sparks flying off him and live and breathe this killer's obsession, not read some feeble failed love story where the guy fails to get the gal.

H

[Soul_Blazer]

Hey thanks both of you I appreciate both of what you have to say!