Taupe, Black and White or Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

[Bar22do]

For the poem, please see #7 below.

[everyadventure]

I thought this was really well done! Great imagery, I could even hear the poem. I like how you "saw" the score... but for me, the last line didn't seem to fit with the tone of the poem. You created this bizarre scene that's part awe and part horror, and then the blithe ending felt anticlimactic.
Excellent job overall!

[the facade]

I thought this was really well done! Great imagery, I could even hear the poem. I like how you "saw" the score... but for me, the last line didn't seem to fit with the tone of the poem. You created this bizarre scene that's part awe and part horror, and then the blithe ending felt anticlimactic.
Excellent job overall!

I have to agree with the last line, but the rest was fantastic.

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar, I hate to say it but I fear ea and facade may be right about that last line. I have the temerity to suggest:

"loud enough to wake me, although when I looked he’d gone!"

It's a great poem; light, whimsical, witty and just plain fun.

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Well, it had to end somewhere and somehow and though the ending is a touch anti-climactic, what a great romp it is until then!

[blank|verse]

A very enjoyable piece, Bar, it's visual and aural, and your knowledge of music really benefits the poem. It reads very well, and there are no odd line breaks where they're not needed.

I wonder if opening with the stronger second line would work? (Or an amended version of it.) I like 'surging' but wonder if the rat could be puzzled by the noise coming from rather than 'beneath' his feet?

Other little issues: I think 'would-be' is too journalistic; and 'dribbled' has a double meaning to drool, so perhaps look at that. And that troublesome last line, of course! :)

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot everyadventure, the facade, Hawk, Prince and B/V for your comments and advice on this effort. Glad you enjoyed. Since you all agree the ending is anticlimatic, does the following fit better?
Also, B/V, I changed "the would-be pianist" to "the virtuoso", "puzzled" to "startled" and re-worked the beginning, how does the new one read?

Taupe, Black and White, or Eine Kleine Nachtmusik
for Leakim

Startled by the noise surging around his feet,
a stray rat dashed left along the piano keys
from a high Si to a Re flat, presto fugato,
then halted, forepaws clutching at a minor third,
his rump over Sol and Sol sharp, 

till the discord faded pianissimo. I blanched
as again he dribbled past a swarm of notes.

I wouldn’t care to write the score, but in my mind I saw 

quavers, crotchets, breves, arpeggios and more,
as the virtuoso tripped over an ivory La 

and splashed across for a full tone

so loud, the cover fell. The last I heard was Doh.


Best to you all! Bar

[Hawkman]

Absolutely perfect! Don't touch it again - :D

Live and be well - H

[yuka]

the new one much more enjoyable

[everyadventure]

I like the words that you changed, especially "virtuoso!" The ending is very witty. I think the words "my face drained" lends some element of fear to the poem... am I the only one with that impression? In which case the last line is unexpectedly light, so I was left with contrasting emotions concerning the tone of the poem.

You are an excellent poet, a fine piece!

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - yes, I agree that 'virtuoso' is pitch perfect (ho, ho) but I really don't like the Homer Simpson ending. The poem deserves better. Don't feel you have to rush it.

I'm not overly keen on 'my face drained', it's a bit too direct, but including some kind of personal response definitely adds something to the poem here. And I think you can get away with simply 'piano keys'; what you have is correct of course, but the extra apostrophe sounds a bit of a mouthful.

Still, a great fun moment brilliantly captured.

[Bar22do]

Thanks again Hawk, yuka, adventure and B/V for your reading.
Yes, I yielded to Simpson for a moment but I agree, simple Do will be enough. I corrected accordingly, also "piano keys". As for the personal response, I'll have to figure out how to better describe indignation (sorry everadventure for confusing you!), so thanks to bringing it to my attention (any suggestions? "my face clouded"/"grew dark"?..). And thanks all for your encouraging words! Best of all - Bar

[qimissung]

I love it! Absolutely adorable.

[Bar22do]

Thank you, qim, it's a little fun piece, no more...

[AuntShecky]

What a fine, whimsical poem! I missed the first version, but I thoroughly enjoyed the revised edition.

It reminded me of so many things -- Victor Borge, who I saw on TV in my early youth, music lessons wish I had had the opportunity to have taken, and this will sound like it is coming out of left field--but the title reminds me more of Duke Ellington's "Black, Brown, and Beige," than of Mozart, though I assume that Eine Klein etc. is the piece the speaker is playing.

A comic moment immortalized. Well done, Bar.
Or should I say: "Bravo!"

PS-- Another "bravo" for the boffo closing line!

[firefangled]

I have always loved the image of mice or rats running across a piano keyboard. You present it in a unique way here in perfect language and humor.

[Bar22do]

Thanks Auntie and Fire for reading and enjoying it! Auntie, it's a great honour for my little poem to have reminded you of Victor Borge, my idol! he was such an incredible genius!!!

Best regards to you both
Bar