Could i be a winner

[matt3224]

Along this road I'm not alone
at the end of the path i cant go on
then i see your figure merge
and feel your hand gripping mine

i can see our future i can see it fine
but am unable to grasp it, why?
although its a struggle i'll do my best
it's not like "**** it" is gonna get me there quick

unable to get into my shadow
I'm unable to step into what is me
I'm not in need of help
I'm not in need of you

when i think of my life alone
when i think of losing you
i realize how wrong i've been
i realize what i need

i need to stand up for me
i need to stand up for us
i need to say "**** it" to what i haven't done
i need to have an ending with the line

"Finally i've won"

[matt3224]

Together we stand facing the end,
on the shore we wait for the waves to come.

This won't stop,
what we've built,
This can't stop,
what we share.

I'll hold you tight so you won't feel a thing,
just these words in your ear and my kiss on your cheek,

This won't stop,
our undying love,
This can't stop,
the love that has gotten us here.

Hearing the thunder of the waves now close,
you shut your eyes and pull me tight, waiting for the end.

This won't stop,
our memories from being lost
This can't stop,
the warmth in our hearts.

As the waves crash down around us,
leaving just one second of complete silence,
leaving just one second of complete abyss,
this, is the last second of our lives,
this, is the only one we need.

This won't stop,
the way we feel,
This can't stop,
this moment from happening.

I'd give it all up just for that moment,
just to spend those last seconds with you,
i couldn't let you go to face the end alone.

This won't stop,
this can't stop...

...us

[matt3224]

Under the sky with it's blanket of stars
the calm before the storm with thunder not far.
As the clouds appear the wind will follow
if only we had more time to show were not hollow.

It was in the news that this was the end
it would start with a storm that would transcend
into a flood that would wipe us all out
those that survived would not live through the drought

As it starts i grab my coat
on foot i run, a scarf around my throat
i'm coming for you girl
to say goodbye before this all unfurls

finally i reach your front door
tap tap i'm here please don't ignore
as the door opens she flings her arms around
that boy she thought would have drowned

Follow me i know a place
she took his hand, followed him to the space
It was a beach nearby next to the now raging sea
on the shore together they felt completely free

The storm lashed around them without affect
as they're eyes locked all else suffered from neglect
this is only half the tale just a prerequisite
the waves are next making this rhyme fit

[matt3224]

When i was 10 years old,
Before realism took hold,
I thought i'd end up with a princess bride
and that love was something that i'd find

However as the years went on,
that previous vision had become redrawn
filled with sadness yet nothing inside
i was less like Dr. Jekyll and more like Mr. Hyde

Girl after girl i repelled with rejection
that i acquired through shallow misdirection
i continued not knowing if i'd ever have a son
if only i could find that person i could call my plus one

Never mind how my taste reflects,
the other women whom i've perplexed,
despite their novelty and lack of respect
what happened next i did not expect

A girl that i almost lost
due to my feelings getting crossed
how did i manage to hold on to
the relationship that got me through

Three years now i say with a smile
the love we share is going to last awhile
and on our wedding day theres just one thing
that follows in this small word string

Just say Matthew
I love you
i need you
and no one else will do

And if i come to an end before you
no matter if we fell through
remember what we had despite the dead end
these are the words i want you to commend

Matthew
I'll love you
I'll miss you
and no one else will do but you

[matt3224]

The spread of the darkness
casts over my mind
myself is hidden
a needle in the haystack

To break the redundancy of my life
is out of reach
forever stuck in this false persona
never to beseech

Wake up
this is your life
you are the only one
that can break the cycle

Fear is the lock
motivation is the key
find the key
enlightenment is inside

[Alexander III]

you should post these in the personal poetry section, if you want people to comment and read them.

[TheHothive]

The words you used are simple yet very affective and motivating.

[JBI]

Beseech there makes no sense, as much of the poem, the word tries to be more than it is - the message is overt, and uninteresting, and the diction unnatural and quite silly.

Who wrote that? if it is you, then read before posting.

[Jassy Melson]

For one thing, this "poem" tries to say too much.

[An Arab voice]

The words you used are simple yet very affective and motivating.

I like simplicity in writing.

[the facade]

I'm sure that the pretentious tone that pervades some of these comments is not conducive at all for "young poets".

[JBI]

I'm sure that the pretentious tone that pervades some of these comments is not conducive at all for "young poets".

Well, that is true, but it is important to not use a public forum as an outlet for just praise (you are assuming the author is young, which I will humor) when you do not, assuming he wrote the poem, respect the forum by reading the stickies and familiarizing with the boards themselves.

I merely applied a sharp eye, as I am want to with any poem (softer than I normally would too) and gave a response, as if the author was anonymous.

If one is wanting just to share their own work, as a sort of casual activity without seriousness of discussion, he/she can read the stickies after becoming familiarized with the boards (they are in caps by the way, quite hard to miss if you read anything in the process of posting, that is, if you care about anything but your own post), and then turn to the quite friendly Personal Poetry section. Seeing as this is the 5th time the poster has not READ BEFORE POSTING, the responses seem fitting. It's just a tragedy that this forum goes unread, as well as unmoderated for the most part.

As it is, this being put in the reading and discussion of "Poems, Poets, and Poetry" warrants it as held to the same standard as everything else posted here, from Wallace Stevens to Li Bai

[the facade]

Well, that is true, but it is important to not use a public forum as an outlet for just praise (you are assuming the author is young, which I will humor) when you do not, assuming he wrote the poem, respect the forum by reading the stickies and familiarizing with the boards themselves.

I merely applied a sharp eye, as I am want to with any poem (softer than I normally would too) and gave a response, as if the author was anonymous.

If one is wanting just to share their own work, as a sort of casual activity without seriousness of discussion, he/she can read the stickies after becoming familiarized with the boards (they are in caps by the way, quite hard to miss if you read anything in the process of posting, that is, if you care about anything but your own post), and then turn to the quite friendly Personal Poetry section. Seeing as this is the 5th time the poster has not READ BEFORE POSTING, the responses seem fitting. It's just a tragedy that this forum goes unread, as well as unmoderated for the most part.

As it is, this being put in the reading and discussion of "Poems, Poets, and Poetry" warrants it as held to the same standard as everything else posted here, from Wallace Stevens to Li Bai

JBI, I absolutely agree with you. It was posted on the wrong part of the forum and it is something that should be payed more attention to. Also, though I have only started posting comments and poems very recently, I have been on this forum for a while and I can always trust your input on other people's work to be just and educated.

My concern is more for the type of comments on this forum that are not constructive in its criticism at all, exemplified here by Jassy. I was specifically alluding to his open letter to "young poets" and the obvious irony it entails.

Cheers

[matt3224]

these are in the personal poetry section :s

Literature Network Forums > Writing > Personal Poetry > Could i be a winner

[hillwalker]

So they are - at last... though I'm not sure what you're expecting to win. Certainly not the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Unfortunately most of these are extremely personal poems alluding to 'love' or coming to terms with private issues like self awareness. The problem is it's all been done before by much better writers with much more insight and wit and a great deal less self-importance.

My advice would be to look at what you want to share with the world at large - what have you discovered that's worth having someone else read. If it's just some rambling lines about your undying love for your g/f then forget it. Send her a post card. But if somewhere along the way you've experienced an original thought by all means let's hear it - otherwise try writing about less complex issues.

Of the ones you have posted the 3rd was probably the best - until I got to the end of the first verse. The rhyme destroys it for me.

'we're (?) not hollow' ??

It rhymes but makes absolutely no sense, and the rest of the poem is just too ridiculous for words. The end of the world is coming so our hero puts on his scarf before settingoff to save his girl. Please!

If you're still writing feel free to start a new thread on here, but be prepared for more criticism unless you have something original or at least a little more sensible to share. Keep it tight and simple - and forget about rhyming until you've mastered the art of expressing yourself a little more clearly.

H