Two Men

[the facade]

Hey friends,
this is my first time posting some of my poetry. Hope you like it.

Two Men

Two Men,
He and He,
meet at the abysmal
bottom of the abyss.

He and He,
Ropes in hands,
fling and fly
up the wall of men.

He:
"Lovely day for a climb and perhaps some whiskey to celebrate time?"
He:
Agrees in rolling rhyme.

He and He
Fit legs into gaping mouths
and wring fingers
into noses.

He:
"Praise nature that hath blessed us with rope".
He:
Agrees, those without have no hope.

Further up,
He and He,
Crampons on feet,
crawl up the icy mountain;
stab here, stab there.

He:
"Praise nature that hath blessed us with rope and crampons"
He:
Agrees and jabs his foot into men of songs.

He and he,
Slip and dip,
plummeting towards
the abysmal abyss.

He:
"Praise nature that hath blessed us with harness".
The Other,
Dips and dips
but no harness.

"Nature hath not blessed you with harness", he says as he climbs further up than ever before.

[Sionn Harrow]

abysmal abyss? hmm...

[Delta40]

I can vividly imagine climbing upwards on the faces of men here. Not sure about the end and yes, abysmal abyss.....

[the facade]

Point taken! Thanks for the comments!

[hillwalker]

An interesting concept, two men aiming to outclimb each other and gaining height at the expense of the rest of humanity.

But I found the use of 'He and He' rather self-indulgent. And each quote seemed almost like the opening half of a fable - with a rejoinder that made little sense other than sharing the same end rhyme (or 'rolling rhyme' as you term it).

And as everyone else has pointed out - 'abysmal abyss' is truly an abominable choice of phrase.

H

[the facade]

Hey hillwalker,

If I ask annoying questions, it is not to defend myself but rather because I'm not really schooled in poetry and I respect your opinion. So:

1) Why is "He and He" self-indulgent?

2) There appears to be a general consensus that "abysmal abyss" is abominable :) Why?

[Delta40]

abysmal abyss is abominable? lol. I'm not an expert but I think abysmal abyss is a tongue twister that one would try to get out after a drink too many. It doesn't flow very well.

The Abominable Abysmal Abyss sounds like a great title for an entertaining poem though!

I'm not making fun of you and welcome to lit-net. I look forward to reading more of your posts Facade.

[the facade]

Thanks for the warm welcome!

[hillwalker]

'abysmal abyss' is like 'bad badness' or 'good goodness' - awkward, rather meaningless and not particularly poetic (despite the alliteration)

'He and he' - have you ever heard anyone refer to 2 men as 'he and he'? Doubtful. So you presumably chose to give them this rather quaint title and keep referring to them by the same name in order to make them appear more memorable or perhaps elusive. I don't know. Either way, it sounds affected.

H

[Bar22do]

Hey and welcome here,

I find your form and idea interesting. As others, I'm not happy with "abysmal abyss" (abyss tells it all alone); now do you mean to bring the reader's attention (repeated He and He) the competing individuals are both males? but you could perhaps allude to this without the clumsiness of that phrase? Actually, I think your poem can altogether do without the "he and he" lines and the title could become the first L, if you allow me pls see below:

Two Men

meet at the bottom
of the abyss.

Ropes in hands,
fling and fly
up the wall of men.

He:
"Lovely day for a climb and perhaps some whiskey to celebrate time?"
He:
Agrees in rolling rhyme.

Fit legs into gaping mouths
and wring fingers
into noses.

He:
"Praise nature that hath blessed us with rope".
He:
Agrees, those without have no hope.

Further up,
crampons on feet,
crawl up the icy mountain;
stab here, stab there.

He:
"Praise nature that hath blessed us with rope and crampons"
He:
Agrees and jabs his foot into men of songs.

Slip and dip,
plummeting towards
the abyss.

He:
"Praise nature that hath blessed us with harness".
The Other,
Dips and dips
but no harness.

"Nature hath not blessed you with harness", He says as he climbs further up than ever before. (I'd suggest here "alone" instead of "than ever before").

Best to you,
Bar

[the facade]

I hear what you guys are saying, I'll avoid that in the future.

Regarding the "He and He" - my intentions were to make them seem equal in title and ability. When the latter slips (and lacking a harness), he turns into an "other" and thus into the obscurity of the masses. I may have failed with that one.

Bar, thanks for the welcome! I really like the idea of the title slipping into the poem!