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PickEm'Up
02-14-2011, 06:16 PM
Don’t work too hard; that’s what they always said to me. You’ll hurt yourself, be careful, or don’t overdo it. Like I don’t know my limits? If you ask me it’s just yet another chance they see to nag me. I guess they don’t think I’m capable. Granted my grades aren’t the best, and when I leave school, I won’t be at the best college, but still. If I have dreams and I work for those dreams, whether I fail at achieving them or succeed, will it matter in the end? I tried, that’s the main thing right? Who knows, I don’t even know myself anymore. I just live for one reason.
Today hasn’t been the best. The bus journey into school was too quick for my liking so I tried to slow things up by waiting to get off; boy did I get some **** off the driver for making her late for her slimming class. That was just the start though; next there was math. Now, I’m no genius as I explained before, but I can work with my numbers. It’s the one subject I can get by in. I’m not too bad at it, but I’m not great either – story of my life. In class today though, I slipped off into the voids of my imagination. I was here one second...but then the next...I was just gone. Off into the clouds, flying through them, untouchable and more alive than I had ever been. I had control over this place, it was my place. A snap of misses Craford’s fingers got me crashing back into the harsh reality of it all though. Back in maths class, with the pen and the pad in front of me.
Lunch didn’t make anything better, but it gave me time to think. I sat alone in the cafeteria, toying with my plate of cold pasta, trying to float off again. I shut everyone out and let go; I just let go. This time was different, there were no clouds here. I was on the frontline, defending for my country, my people. I was brave, courageous, someone to look up to. I charged in with my brothers of war, into the battle to end all battles. Through the gun blaze and smoke, there he was, smiling back at me like he always did. I reached out for him but never is my arm long enough. No matter how hard I try, I can’t reach him. He’s just too far away. The bell must’ve gone because the cafeteria’s emptied and the dinner lady stood waving in my face.
The rest of the day went pretty swell. Triple physics wasn’t too bad and I survived. Me and Winston had to do a joint experiment. He did most of it, we didn’t talk that much. I don’t think they get me, my classmates I mean. I suppose no one can understand, but I don’t blame them for that. I mean, why would you even want to understand. I’d rather I was just left too it, no questions asked. We got top marks for our experiment and I got to do the cool bit at the end. Mixing the acids and alkalis to create a chemical reaction – brought a smile to my face anyway.
The journey home was quiet. I’m the last stop before the bus turns round. I live on a farm – it’s peaceful, away from everything, kind of like me. It’s very fitting for me and mom. When I got in, I put my books away and went out the back. Our back yard is, well, huge. It’s fields which stretch on for miles. Me and mom like to come out here and so that’s where I am now. I’m with her. Arms around each other, We’re watching the last sun set of august; It’s been a year now, it was the last time I spoke to my dad and we both miss him so much – I can always find him in my mind when I want, but I can never reach him unless I’m here, with mom. We both stare out for a long time, until the sky is dark and we can see no more. I live for him, for knowing that one day we will meet again and the three of us will re-join, like it was always supposed to be. He died for reason and so it is my duty and honour, that I shall die for the same. I leave for the forces the end of next month. My mom tells me she’s proud...I believe her.

hillwalker
02-14-2011, 06:30 PM
This reads like autobiography so I'm guessing there's an element of truth in it.

You write well, but there's a great deal of 'telling' and not much 'showing' - so we get to spend the day with you step by step, lesson by lesson, but we don't get to see your life through your eyes until close to the end.

Still it was an enjoyable read.

h

PickEm'Up
02-14-2011, 06:49 PM
Reads like an Autobiography? Well gee, that sucks. Oh well, so much for that. Cheers anyway H

everyadventure
02-15-2011, 12:28 AM
You didn't seem to like Hill's comment that it read like an autobiography. I don't know whether that means it ISN'T true, or whether it means it IS true and you'd like it to read more like a story... in any case, I hope you won't be offended by my take on it.

The first thing I thought of was that this character likely has Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (http://www.maytal.co.il/articles/2002Malaptdaydr.contemp.psych.pdf), which would definitely make an interesting jumping-off point for a story. Its onset could certainly have been caused by the trauma of losing his father.

I think the story could be fleshed out some; you tell us about the character's day, but we don't get to EXPERIENCE it with the character. You did a good job at the end establishing the setting, I could see it-- now just apply the same attention to detail to the beginning of the story, and you'll have something great.

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed it :)

hillwalker
02-15-2011, 12:30 PM
Reads like an Autobiography? Well gee, that sucks. Oh well, so much for that. Cheers anyway H

I'm also baffled why you think it sucks.

You describe the day in the life of someone from their pov - and since there's not much else going on I have to assume it has some personal relevance to yourself as the writer.

I'd be interested to hear what was actually intended if not to share some of your life's experience with us.

H

PickEm'Up
02-16-2011, 12:06 PM
So to make it better I should do what exactly?

hillwalker
02-16-2011, 06:26 PM
So to make it better I should do what exactly?

Get rid of the diary style that takes us through his day almost hour by hour without showing us what makes him tick.

Instead let us feel we are living the day in his shoes by showing what thoughts go through his mind. When you describe a scene show us what he sees. Some of your internalised dialogue is good because it does just that - but it's as if you have to account for every moment of his day. You don't.

Concentrate on those interesting moments when he pauses for thought and slips into a parallel universe. Skip lunch - we don't really need to know he ate.

H

PickEm'Up
02-22-2011, 01:24 PM
Shortened it, not sure if it's any better.


Don’t work too hard; that’s what they always said to me. You’ll hurt yourself, be careful, or don’t overdo it. Like I don’t know my limits? If you ask me it’s just yet another chance they see to nag me. I guess they don’t think I’m capable. Granted my grades aren’t the best, and when I leave school, I won’t be at the best college, but still. If I have dreams and I work for those dreams, whether I fail at achieving them or succeed, will it matter in the end? I tried, that’s the main thing right? Who knows, I don’t even know myself anymore. I just live for one reason.
Today hasn’t been the best. The bus journey dragged – I watched on out the window and it was tree after tree after tree; endless scenery. That was just the start though; next there was math. Now, I’m no genius as I explained before, but I can work with my numbers. It’s the one subject I can get by in. I’m not too bad at it, but I’m not great either – story of my life. I was here one second, sat at my desk...but then the next...I was just gone. Off into the clouds, flying through them, untouchable and more alive than I had ever been. I had control over this place, it was my place. A snap of misses Craford’s fingers got me crashing back into the harsh reality of it all though. Back in maths class, with the pen and the pad in front of me.
Lunch didn’t make anything better, but it gave me time to think. I shut everyone out and let go; I just let go. This time was different, there were no clouds here. I was on the frontline, defending for my country, my people. I was brave, courageous, someone to look up to. I charged in with my brothers of war, into the battle to end all battles. Through the gun blaze and smoke though, there he was, smiling back at me like he always did. I reached out for him but my arm is never long enough. No matter how hard I try, I can’t reach him. He’s just too far away. The bell must’ve gone because the cafeteria’s emptied and the dinner lady stood waving in my face.
The journey home was quiet. I’m the last stop before the bus turns round. I live on a farm – it’s peaceful, away from everything, kind of like me. It’s very fitting for me and mom. When I got in, I put my books away and went out the back. Our back yard is, well, huge. It’s fields which stretch on for miles. Me and mom like to come out here and so that’s where I am now. I’m with her. Arms around each other, We’re watching the last sun set of august; It’s been a year now, it was the last time I spoke to my dad and we both miss him so much – I can always find him in my mind when I want, like today, but I can never reach him unless I’m here, with mom. We both stare out for a long time, until the sky is dark and we can see no more. I live for him, for knowing that one day we will meet again and the three of us will re-join, like it was always supposed to be. He died for reason and so it is my duty and honour that I shall die for the same. I leave for the forces the end of next month. My mom tells me she’s proud...I believe her.

everyadventure
02-22-2011, 02:46 PM
This did feel more streamlined to me; it had a clearer focus. I'm glad you gave it another shot!

hillwalker
02-22-2011, 02:46 PM
This is phenomenally better - I actually 'got' who it was the day-dreaming boy was reaching out to in his fantasies of fighting for his country.

You know what you did to make it better - remember that next time you write a story. Edit it down before posting and use the same techniques you used here to keep it short and to the point.

H

PickEm'Up
02-22-2011, 07:17 PM
Thankyou both for your time and comments (: