Thomson's Stroke

[Delta40]

He twitched against his will
on the foam rubber mat
Moaned
Cried
Wrestled
like a bad joke.
The nurse cajoled him
as she rolled him.
Try harder
You're doing great
Just one more time.
His words
stored
poured
swirled
round his mind
bursting to gush
into strings of
gratefulness
invectives
pleading
But they tripped over
on the way down
Everything he felt
All he knew
came out as
Urrr,
dribble
urrrr
slobber
urrr
drool.
He lay there
getting stretched
pulled
pressed
as if the parts of him
that were paralysed
could be ironed out
by a squeeze here
and a squeeze there
Urrrrrrrrrr!
Now then Mr Thomson
be patient
We're nearly done
The nurse pretended
as he was bended
that she knew what he meant.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I felt very much involved with this as a narrative but was puzzled finally by two things: the comparison of him, early on, to a "base" animal, which led me to expect some element of moral commentary on him; and 2nd, the unexpected and unprepared for switch in the last 3 lines to his point of view, whereas he had appeared to be virtually unconscious prior to that.

[Delta40]

Good observation. changes made.

[Hawkman]

Good narrative, Delta, but I feel the poem would still work even if you didn't use quite so many one word lines. Really not sure about that execrable pretended/bended rhyme though, it undermines the poem, I feel. Apart from these fairly minor quibbles you still seem to be on that roll.

Best, H