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sweety
02-13-2011, 12:45 PM
The day started badly enough without witnessing a girl from the flat opposite, wearing a black and white striped jumpsuit, take a leap from the top of the building.

Later I saw her flatmate, emerge from the building.
Starry snowflakes fell on her long blond hair as she walked to the hotel bar a little further along.

The clink of glasses in the hallway rumbling dull like an avalanche was adding to my headache. I walked sullenly round the room looking for something strong to drink but I could find no spirits anywhere.

I poured a glass of clear cold water from the tap and gazed out the frost stippled window at the sparkling red panties frozen on the branch of a tree.

I decided to go outdoors where the bright sheen of the sun glittered on the cold, frosty street and made my way sluggishly along the icy footpath to the hotel bar.

The blond girl sat on the bar stool, her long slender legs dangling to the green worn carpet, in front of her stood a glass of whiskey.
She took an envelope from her bag and nervously opened it as if she was afraid of what it would say. Her trembling hands held the paper open, she winced when she read the letter.
Her stare was distant when I said hello. Disheartened and hung over I took my large whiskey to the fireplace and sat on the unseemly couch that had seen happier days and watched the sparks of the embers make their way up the chimney.

The feeling of euphoria as the whiskey entered my nervous system calmed the shakes a little. It was with apprehension that I sucked the nicotine from my first cigarette. Dizziness and instability usually followed.
I closed my eyes in anticipation, the bar went round and round, my stomach churned. Even before I opened my eyes, I had a feeling I would throw up.
The fire sizzled, crackled and protested when my watery vomit hit the flames.

Looking at the stranger in the mirror over the mantelpiece, a ghastly red face with eyes puffed and bloodshot, mucus escaping from the nose, I wondered who he was and how it had come to this.

The girl walked over and sat down on the old couch next to me.
''You look awful'' she said in a voice older than her years and handed me a glass of whiskey.

''Sláinte'' I said.

''Do you mind if we don’t talk'' she said, gazing into the flaming fire.
''Fine by me'', I said. We fell silent. The ghosts of hell haunting her and the D T’s creeping up on me.

The barman filled our drinks.
Then she told me that the girl who had jumped was her girlfriend. ''We lived together for eight happy months as a couple.''

I nodded.

''She was of the Muslim faith but we were very much in love''.
Tears fell from her beautiful eyes. I hadn’t noticed before how young and vulnerable she was.

''In the note she said that her brother had raped her and blamed her for bringing dishonor to the whole family. That's why she took her own life."
She went quiet, there was nothing more to say.
We were cocooned in a cloak of silence.

I felt sick, the shakes were getting the better of me. Excusing myself I went to the gents, this time the watery vomit spattered the filthy mirror.

Checking my pockets for Valium I found one stuck to a piece of chewing-gum.
When I got back she was gone. I bought a bottle of whiskey and staggered as best I could home with a heavy heart.

Back in my apartment I realized there was no way I was going to beat the D T’s this time.

Drinking neat whiskey from the bottle and swallowing as many pills as I could find, I looked out through the frost-made lace on the window pane and saw the blond-haired girl jump.

Ice rain replaced the starry flakes.

The bright sparkling red panties frozen on the bough seemed to mock me

Delta40
02-13-2011, 07:09 PM
I think you have a good story here but the girlfriend jumping - witnessing two jumps in one day seems a little over the top to me. Perhaps if the story had a few more installments so the reader can journey further with the girl before she jumps but as it is, something this short, I personally think it is too much. I do like the seemingly non-caring attitude of the narrator.

sweety
02-14-2011, 06:40 AM
Thanks Delta for reading and commenting on my story.
I know that seeing two jumpers in one day is a bit “OTT”, but I always try to give my short story’s an unexpected twist at the end . :cheers2:
S

Delta40
02-14-2011, 07:09 AM
Thanks Delta for reading and commenting on my story.
I know that seeing two jumpers in one day is a bit “OTT”, but I always try to give my short story’s an unexpected twist at the end . :cheers2:
S

As long as the twist balances with the content. I'm not very articulate here, I know but my point is, the story itself was engaging and had an impetus of its own without adding something that seems totally unrealistic. An OTT twist can diminish the impact of the story, while a subtle one may add to it.

sweety
02-14-2011, 07:21 AM
Hi Delta,

You’re right, the end should have been (with hindsight):

Drinking neat whiskey from the bottle and swallowing as many pills as I could find, I looked out through the frost-made lace on the window pane.

Ice rain replaced the starry flakes.

The bright sparkling red panties frozen on the bough seemed to mock me.

everyadventure
02-14-2011, 11:08 AM
Ooo yes Sweety, that is the PERFECT ending!

hillwalker
02-14-2011, 11:47 AM
Great piece of writing - and the revision makes it stand-out.

H

sweety
02-14-2011, 02:20 PM
Hi,

Thanks very much @ Delta40 (especially for pointing out my OTT ending), Everyadventure and Hillwalker. Glad you liked it.

S

MANICHAEAN
02-15-2011, 01:10 PM
Sweety
You and I must have a drink sometime! I know where you are coming from. Please take the advice given above. You've got it in you, so let it develop.
Best regards
M.

sweety
02-16-2011, 04:41 AM
Hi M.,

Thanks for the invite. :thumbsup: May the road rise up to meet you.

S