The Gloaming

[qimissung]

he came
walking through the gloaming
the uncle
whose presence
I most dreaded
at Christmas
who laughed loudest and longest
at the noisome
off-color
jokes he produced
as effortlessly as
he did the steam of smoke that curled
like a laurel wreath
around his head
and whose greatest talent beyond this
was his dexterous handling
of his ubiquitous whiskey and cigarette,
the latter which lay in his hand
like a loose woman
and which I presumed
he spoke to as peremptorily
as he might to a waitress
late at night
in a diner
"You know you liked it" I imagined him
saying after the telling of a particularly salacious joke
the
antediluvian sneer
attached to his lip

they found him on a bridge
broken
wearing his favorite hounds tooth jacket

standing
looking at the coffin
I could feel
us, jostling elbows
Here, I said gruffly
you might need this

Qimissung
February 2011

[Delta40]

antediluvian - what a word! Had to look it up in my oxford. Your description of your uncle puts a shiver up my spine. Have we not all known one?

I especially liked the flow of

and whose greatest talent beyond this
was his dexterous handling
of his ubiquitous whiskey and cigarette,
the latter which lay in his hand
like a loose woman

provided a insight to his character.

I am a little baffled with the last line.

[everyadventure]

What a glorious sentence that first stanza is. "To my surprise I sent my grandpa's lighter with him?" I must be missing something...

[Jassy Melson]

l like it, although I didn't understand the last two lines. I got a feeling they didn't fit the poem, but were kind of an afterthought on your part.

[qimissung]

First of all, thank you, Delta, everyadventure and Jassy, for reading and commenting. The last two lines were not an afterthought, at least I didn't think they were. The niece put a memento of her grandfather, one precious to her, in her uncle's coffin. She is surprised to find that she cares after all.

The narrator isn't me, although this is based, in part, on two of my uncles.

[Delta40]

Ah! I see. I guess I was picturing him at the bridge so it was a leap to the funeral. Perhaps you may consider making it more clear since it is a nice thought.

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you for clearing that up concerning the last two lines. I think you should put some kind of reference to a casket in the last two lines, because it is kind of mystifying at the end. I got the feeling of being lost with the last two lines. The rest of the poem is, I think, marvelous.

[PrinceMyshkin]

What a glorious poem throughout - almost more like a sculpture in how solid and visible it is! These lines in particular


of his ubiquitous whiskey and cigarette,
the latter which lay in his hand
like a loose woman


ought to go straight into everybody's anthology of great lines, as would these


and which I imagined
he spoke to as peremptorily
as he might to a waitress
late at night
in a diner
"You know you liked it" I imagine him
saying through the
antediluvian sneer
attached to his lip

if you could just clear up the appearance that he has just 'serviced' her in the diner, which puts him up on a different level of macho crudeness than elsewhere indicated.

And I agree with the others, that something needs to be made more clear about that lighter. In fact the whole "to my surprise" is, I think, a distraction - since we're not shown anywhere earlier anything that might prepare us for her affection for him.

[Haunted]

You made the uncle come to life, then you killed him at the bridge. A brilliant treatment Qim. I tripped on the last line too, maybe add a word or two for clarity.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Whoops sorry, this was essentially a repeat of what I'd posted earlier.

[AuntShecky]

antediluvian - what a word! Had to look it up in my oxford.



"Antediluvian" ("before the flood," referring to the deluge associated with Noah) sets up the image of the uncle on the bridge on the end. In contemporary usage, it means extremely old, ancient, or prehistoric.

What was intriguing about the use of the adjective was that it modifies "sneer." The uncle's facial expression is -- here's another $5 word for you --"atavistic," meaning a throwback to our early ancestors. The image reminds me of a line I read somewhere in Auden where he describes a
group photo and it goes something like
"Oh how lower ordersy the gang will look."

[qimissung]

Prince, AuntShecky, Haunted, thank you for reading, and all of you for your comments.

Actually, the parts that troubled you also troubled me, or they at least crossed my mind. I kept two things in mind as I posted this poem. First, I wanted to show, not tell, although I am just as capable as anyone of telling. Secondly, I wanted this to be about him, mostly. I wasn't sure how to bring the two together to my satisfaction. It wasn't that she liked him, or even felt any affection for him-further than that I will not go at the moment.

Suffice it to say that I gave it some thought and made some changes. I like it better, and how can I say this?

THANK YOU

for encouraging me to be a more thoughtful writer.

[moonbird]

Your brilliant use of details really made the poem come to life. Like many others, I was a bit confused about the last two lines, but I think once you clear up a few mechanics you could make the flow a lot smoother. Well done.

[PrinceMyshkin]

But, dear Qim, how are we to interpret the closing line now? What are we supposed to understand "this" is?

[Hawkman]

Hi qim, Sorry, but I have to agree with PM on the last lines. As it is, the statement, "you might need this", reads as referring to the, "coexisting energies" which is a little esoteric to say the least, especially when all that has gone before is an exquisitely drawn portrait. Which draws me to consider that although it is very well written, it does read a bit like very well written prose. I could see this being worked up into a good short story.

Anyway it's always a pleasure to read something you've written. Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

I think the ending is baffling still - like a whodunnit with the last line missing.

[qimissung]

But, dear Qim, how are we to interpret the closing line now? What are we supposed to understand "this" is?

You'll figure something out. :D

Thanks everyone.

[qimissung]

Hi qim, Sorry, but I have to agree with PM on the last lines. As it is, the statement, "you might need this", reads as referring to the, "coexisting energies" which is a little esoteric to say the least, especially when all that has gone before is an exquisitely drawn portrait. Which draws me to consider that although it is very well written, it does read a bit like very well written prose. I could see this being worked up into a good short story.

Anyway it's always a pleasure to read something you've written. Live and be well - H

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15535

This was written to mimic a note left on the door of an ice box, and is considered poetry...

[hillwalker]

An unsolved mystery - but it was a pleasure to come late and discover much of what went before has been erased like the clues at a crime scene.

If 'it' is the lighter then I would suggest it still needs to figure somewhere in this wonderfully evocative poem. But a brilliant piece of writing all the same.

H

[Bar22do]

I come late to this one too... (was away).
Actually, the last two lines spoke strongly to me and let feel the movement of throwing sth into the coffin. "Here, you might need this" reads even poignant to me, as if N wanted to force herself to find the most affectionate words in the circumstances.. And the phrase is charged with complex emotion indeed, to the point that what she threw into the coffin is much less important. That IMHO, of course.
Excellent piece of poetry, Qim. Best to you, Bar

[AuntShecky]

Oh, but the last line was so fitting. Of course he might "need this" -- and probably not "on the
rocks" but straight up.

q, please continue to cultivate this fine sense of subtlety.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Although I objected to the suggestion that he'd got it on with the waitress right there in the diner, I much prefer thinking that than learning that he told the occasional off-colour (or even misogynistic) joke:



"You know you liked it" I imagined him
saying after the telling of a particularly salacious joke

'sides which the statement "You know you liked it" seems wedded to the situation where some man has either talked or forced a woman into submitting to him and it seems terribly anti-climactic in the quoted situation.

[qimissung]

Although I objected to the suggestion that he'd got it on with the waitress right there in the diner, I much prefer thinking that than learning that he told the occasional off-colour (or even misogynistic) joke:



"You know you liked it" I imagined him
saying after the telling of a particularly salacious joke

'sides which the statement "You know you liked it" seems wedded to the situation where some man has either talked or forced a woman into submitting to him and it seems terribly anti-climactic in the quoted situation.

:lol:

[qimissung]

Thank you, Aunty, Bar and Hill. It's nice to feel understood. :)