Lilly Ann

[BSED90]

A fun loving girl 19 years young
She lived on the outskirts of town
Lilly Ann was what they called her
She started out a good church going country girl
She followed the rules and minded her manners
Always climbing trees with the other children
Won awards for tying ropes at the county fair
As she got older she was known for getting in trouble
She liked adventures and living on the edge
No one ever wanted her; she was just a little wild
Not the marring or childbearing type
She wanted to live in another world
A world where she could be somebody
She felt she had no other way
No one ever thought she would use her skills that way
Climb up that tree and tie that knot
I guess in a way she finally got out of this town
Now, some say that she was a brave girl

[Hawkman]

Hi BSED90. This is a pretty good poem and it tells its story with a nice volta. But there are a few suggestions I would make. The lack of punctuation and the capitalisation at the start of every line make for uneven reading. You have also used "She" a lot when it isn't necessary, eg:

"A fun loving girl of 19 lived on the outskirts of town.
Lilly Ann, that was what they called her,
started out a good, church-going country girl,
followed the rules and minded her manners..."

I'ts a good piece but a little prosaic. It has room for a polish, I think. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more of what you have to say.

Live and be well - H

[everyadventure]

You don't play guitar, do you? This would make a fantastic country song. I like the way you pulled the story 'round back to the beginning, with the tree-climbing and knot tying.

A little suggestion: "She felt she had no other way / No one ever thought she would use her skills that way" The two "ways" on the end of the lines are a bit clumsy. Maybe consider changing the first one to "choice?"

Thanks for sharing, can't wait to see what you come up with next :)

[hillwalker]

A neat twist at the end. As Hawkman says, it's a little like reading prose, but it's well-written all the same.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Would you, could you, be that soldier?

[BSED90]

Would you, could you, be that soldier?

I think I missed something? It may be that its 2:30 am. What does this mean?

[Scheherazade]

Nice little poem though I feel it needs some revision because of the repeated words mentioned above.

Also, I feel (and this is a very personal point of view) so much has been given to the reader readily that it almost feels like reading a story rather than a poem. I wonder if it is possible to arrange it so that some of the things the reader discovers between the lines and draw their own conclusions.