Exit

[Jerrybaldy]

I am leaving the car
by the lesser used
windscreen exit
my hands by my side
tombstoning
like the kids from the cliffs.
as I marvel at glass cubes
exploding into the night
toward the tree that stopped me.
The band are still playing
double four time.
Watching the spinning wheel
and a black ant
conquering a daisy,
I am nature boy,
free from my car,
waiting for the blues
and the twos
to take me back.

[Delta40]

This poem has a real slow motion feel to it Jerry as I picture you exploding through a windscreen, glass cubes scattered across the air like diamonds...

very picturesque and with music too

[Jerrybaldy]

across the air like diamonds, bugger it, now I want a rewrite :)

[Hawkman]

Don't rewrite it Jerry, you might come into conflict with McCartney's Lawyers, "Baldy in the Air With Diamonds" a lesser know early draft of "Lucy in the Sky..." Interestingly the principle initials of the song spell LSD, whereas in your version they spell BAD. Definately an iffy trip, even with a musical accompaniment. :D As it is it's a good poem though.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

This is like watching a car crash in slow motion - and I mean that as a compliment (honestly). A really well-crafted piece.

H :-)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Wish I understood what the "twos" refer to but apart from that what an easy, catchy swing to this.

[hillwalker]

I believe 'blues and twos' refers to the ambulance service - blue lights and two-note siren.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks Hill and Delta - I had slow motion in mind and I am pleased that you picked that up.

Hawk - Baldy in the air with diamonds :D

Prince - Hill is right on the blues and twos.

thanks all for commenting
Jerry

[Scheherazade]

very picturesque and with music too

This is like watching a car crash in slow motion - and I mean that as a compliment (honestly). Agree with above comments; made me hold my breath as followed him flying through the air throughout the poem.

My only issue is that the slow-motion feeling, I feel, is distrurbed by the "I"s and new sentences... So, I am wondering -and I have no idea how this can be achieved at the moment- if it would be possible to arrange the poem so that it is one single sentence, describing all that you have in this version.

:conehead:

[Haunted]

love the blow by blow description and the poetic quality of it all. I hope it's a band from 1948.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Scher
I agree and I have removed the 'I's' in places.
haunted. It is of course double four time '48 :)

[blank|verse]

A characteristically darkly humorous poem, Jerry. I like the technique, but maybe you could make the first part all one sentence, to reflect the content more, like this:


I am leaving the car
by the lesser used
windscreen exit
my hands by my side
tombstoning
like the kids from the cliffs
as I marvel at glass cubes
exploding into the night
toward the tree that stopped me.

And as hill didn't pick you up on this one, Hawk

McCartney's Lawyers,
Lennon wrote 'Lucy in the Sky...'! :)