The Last Assassin

[DanPearson]

I'm going to post all the chapters in here rather than make a new post for every chapter.

Chapter 1
The sun arose from the horizon and casted a blinding light through the kitchen window of the quaint cottage. An aged man scurried into the light infested room and pulled a large curtain over the window, blacking out the attacking light. He lit a candle and sat at a small oak table in the centre of the room and pulled a large hood over his balding head.
“Damn light.” The man groaned stroking his wiry grey beard. He stared into the flickering flame of the burning candle, in silence. From his long gown the man pulled a long pendant from a baggy pocket, holding it above the flame. The jewel on the tip of the golden chain glistened emerald light as he dropped it lower into the flame. Muttering alone, the strange fellow fluttered his eyelids rapidly as the shining pendant vibrated slowly. It picked up speed and soon the colour shined brighter, more direct.
“Cedric!” an angry cry bellowed. “What are you doing? I thought this was over?” Light from the opened door surged through, submerging a baffled Cedric.
“Get out of here Eli! You weren’t called here! I don’t need you anymore” he thumped his clenched fist upon the sturdy table and leapt to his feet. The light from the open door empowered Cedric, causing him to swiftly turn to the darkness of the room.
“Now’s not the time Cedric, we must leave.” Eli commanded. He wore a long padded beige coat, dropping just below his knee pads. His hair curled carelessly over his boorish face and shoulders, a hint of ginger spread amongst his dark hair. He grabbed a small note pad from his undercoat and handed it to the clearly angered man. Cedric turned to face the light, his bony face now more defined as the sun shone. He stroked his beard once more.
“No! No way! I’m 64 now Eli, I refuse to fight his battles” Cedric raged.
“He needs you Cedric; I’m no longer as young either! Listen to me, he’s on the brink, I mean it this time, things have changed-”
“What about you?” questioned Cedric.
“He needs us both, this is serious!” the portly built man pleaded, he turned and trudged towards the door. “We’re assassins Cedric, not murderers” he bellowed from the distance. “The horse is out front.”
Cedric looked towards the door to see if Eli had gone, once checked he stared down at the pendant upon the table, stroking the shiny surface of the jewel. Dragging his eyes away from the distraction he pulled on a dark crimson coat from a hanger next to the sink and wrapped it tightly around his nimble body. He headed towards the door, but halted at the exit. He turned again and headed back into the dark kitchen, grasping the pendant upon the table. Quickly, he placed it into a velvet bag and stashed it into his pocket. Once again he headed towards the door, this time he never looked back.

[DanPearson]

Chapter 2
Eli waited patiently outside, leaning gently against a timber signpost, on top an arrow pointed west, towards the mountainous coastal region of Redport. Cedric emerged from the aged cottage, windows heavily dusted, paint cracked. He approached the awaiting Eli who laughed mockingly.
“Nice to see that you’ve kept your uncles house clean.” he clapped his hands in fake appreciation smirking at the clearly disgruntled Cedric.
“Nice to see you’ve still got your mothers nose Eli.” Cedric let out a forced grin as Eli frowned and turned, stomping towards the horses.
“Come on, we’ve got no time.” His hoarse voice startled the elderly horses that looked up in bewilderment. Cedric followed, his long crimson coat dragged along the dusty cobbles of the path. The mighty sun sat strong in it’s throne as Cedric and Eli wrenched themselves upon the aged grey horses. They set off towards the west; slowly they travelled along the trails of the vast countryside. The area was picturesque to say the least. Huge oaks towered mightily over the winding country path, light shot through the tiny gaps in the leaves as the two travellers slowly guided their horses onwards. A gentle stream guided the road to its final destination, a day long journey to the mighty settlement of Redport. Steadily the two men guided the animals through the winding valleys, the sun a heavy burden. Eli, who was leading the way, slowed his horse so he and Cedric were side by side. Eli stared into the empty look that defined Cedrics face.
“What?” questioned an irritated Cedric.
“Give me the pendant.” Eli replied in a calm, un-confrontational tone. He reached out his dense arm and opened his palm, suggesting with his actions that Cedric should hand over the pendant. “Give it to me or leave, I’m not taking the risk”. Cedric chuckled to himself, smoothing his bare head.
“You need me!” Cedric smiled “you’re nothing without me!” The trees continued to line up against the narrowing path, thin branches and ferns began to cover the cobbles.
“Leave then.” Eli bluntly replied, his low voice echoed. Without hesitation Cedric turned the horse and retraced his steps back to the isolated cottage. As the gap between the two riders widened Cedric looked back in anxiety, expecting to see Eli call him back and discuss what was best for them both, but nothing occurred. Cedric sighed and guided the horse along the road; he reached his fingers into his right pocket and held the cold golden chain of the pendant in his sweaty palm.
“ARGHHH!” an agonising cry bellowed from the distance, Cedric removed his hand from his pocket and pulled on the horses reign, turning towards the scream. He stared towards Eli who was now at least 800 meters away. The sun shone directly into his eyes, he could only see the faint outline of Eli’s bulky figure. The shadowed figure, from what Cedric could see, was perfectly still, the distant horse stooped low as usual and Eli sat up in his normal upright position. Cedric escorted the horse and approached the scene of the cry. He edged closer, Eli stayed still. The leaves of the trees swayed as a light gust of wind swept through from west to east. Now in touching distance, Cedric halted his horse and dismounted, Eli’s back was turned, facing the piercing sunlight. Cedric crept around the front of the stationary horse and slowly tilted his head towards Eli.
“Eli?” Cedric quivered. “Eli, what’s wrong?” Cedric stared into Eli’s blank, colourless eye, wide open and focused on nothingness.
“Cedric. It’s so nice to see you again!” Cedric turned rapidly towards the voice which came from the trees. “How’s that old house of mine?” Cedric’s eyes widened with shock.
“Uncle!” Cedric blurted out with excitement and disbelief. “but your...“
“alive and well young man!” the frail fellow proclaimed cheerfully.
“Where’ve you be...” a surprised Cedric was interrupted.
“Give me the pendant!” hissed the small man, eyes burning with determination. “It’s mine! I want it.” Cedric, vibrating out of shock, grasped the pendant from his pocket and placed it in the outstretched palm of his supposedly deceased uncle. The dark cloaked man held the chain up to his bulging eyes and laughed uncontrollably.
“I’ve been taking good care of it, I’m only using it for the good of the land.” Cedric forced a laugh to accompany that of the old man. The high pitched laughter of the old man continued as he swung the pendant in front of his eyes. Cedric looked on in amazement, however the excitement was short lived. The figure soon disintegrated into dust and was swept away by the breeze, all remains of his uncle were gone, and so was the pendant. Cedric stood rooted to the spot, staring into the empty space.
“You dopy fool!” startled, Cedric swivelled to the sound, “Dopy, dopy fool.”
“Oh no! No, no, no!” Cedric held his hand up to his eyes, grasping his eye sockets in novice embarrassment
“How long have we known each other?” Eli spurted out laughing. “And how many times have I fooled you!” Cedric shook his head in disarray “I think you need me more than you think! I’m just as talented as you, if not more!” Eli pulled the golden pendant from his cloak pocket.
“I’ll be keeping this from now on, and once we get to Redport I’ll be handing it to Gustav. Come on, lets go.” The two travellers mounted their horses once again and set off towards the west. Eli nestled the pendant in his thick wolf skin boots, thoroughly tightening the straps.

[everyadventure]

Another enjoyable chapter from our young friend! You're doing a good job giving us a story without resorting to EXPLAINING the story. You leave it to the reader to recognize the magic, and to figure out that this pendant has some important power... good, good, stuff.

A couple nit-picky things that stood out:

"hoarse voice startled the elderly horses" Using these two homonyms in the same sentence is a bit of a distraction.

"mighty sun" / "mighty settlement" Open a thesaurus and see what you can come up with.

"suggesting with his actions that Cedric should hand over the pendant" is unnecessary. You already SHOWED us this, there's no need to TELL us this.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

[hillwalker]

There's not a lot wrong with this - more good writing and it's good to see you enjoying it. My only advice would be to beware over-writing - inserting adjectives, and in particular adverbs, that are unnecessary and seem like an attempt to make your writing seem more 'interesting'. They normally have the opposite effect - writing is best when it's pared down to enable smooth flow.

Just cast your eyes over these excerpts from the first 3-sentence paragraph :

waited patiently outside, leaning gently.....windows heavily dusted..... Eli who laughed mockingly

and ask yourself are all four essential?

H

[DanPearson]

Chapter 3
The winding road continued to lead the travellers on, the journey was almost complete. A misty haze began to descend upon them as the sun crept behind the mountains in the distance. An orange tint lit up the fog. As the horses advanced along the path the faint outline of a mountainside city emerged from the dense cloud. The overhanging trees and meandering paths had now vanished; flat open terrain awaited the riders. The road lead directly to the main gates of the city, but a toll gate and armed guards stopped the riders halfway. Four heavily cladded guards, dressed in bronze armour and red undergarments stood tall as Eli and Cedric approached. Each of the guards was reinforced by heavy iron claymores strapped to their backs and small steel daggers attached to their waists. One guard proclaimed from the short distance.
“You must turn back, the city is not safe” Cedric and Eli advanced towards the guards. “You must turn back” the guard firmly repeated. Cedric and Eli reached the toll booth and dismounted, the guards stared, disgruntled.
“You must leave, the city isn’t safe! Leave now!” a hint of discomfort and fear crept out from the guard’s voice.
“We’ve got an important meeting with the Gustav Azo, we must see him.” Eli replied bluntly. The guards continued to stare; empty expressions were etched on their faces.
“Listen, I do not care who you are, we have been given orders by the Emperor to not let anyone in or out of the city! If you refuse to abide by these instructions we’ll take you to the fort in Bodon where you’ll be arrested! Now leave!” the guard demanded, frustrated. He pointed his arm back towards the forest.
“Look, we must go through! It’s a matter of life or de...” A deafening cry reverberated around the land; they all looked towards the city, light fog partially blocking their view. Another strained outcry emerged from the city, this time a devastating explosion lifted into the air, an inferno burst out. The horrified horses let out a shriek and galloped off into the distance.
“That’s not a dragon!” Cedric confirmed in a monotonous tone.
“How do you know!” the guard demanded a reply.
“Dragons don’t cry, dragons roar, this...this is something else.” Cedric quivered.
“The Necromancers have taken control of the lower ring” the smallest of the guards cried as he spoke. “They came out of nowhere!” the guard at the front turned and slapped the other in the face before turning to Eli and Cedric.
“Leave this place or die!” he exasperated, his eyes bulged, neck tensed.
“We can help.” Eli held reached into his pocket and pulled out the pendant, the emerald jewel continued to shine. He dangled the jewel in front of the guards eye line, the guards stared onwards, astonished.
“You evil people, you’re as bad as them!” the guards grasped their swords and pointed them at Eli and Cedric. “Who are you?” the guard growled.
“We’re not bad, not anymore, let us thro...” Eli didn’t have chance to finish, the closest guard flung his body at Eli, slashing his sword towards his thick set body . Eli shuffled backwards and drew a small dagger from his pouch. Eli, a battle hardened warrior, licked his lips and evilly grinned. The three other guards advanced forward. Cedric stood with his guard up; he had no weapon but looked strangely confident. The guards continued to push up towards Eli, swinging their claymores viciously around their heads as Eli continued to shuffle backwards, Cedric, all alone watched on. The guards continued to strike, but Eli continued to manoeuvre. Another blood curdling scream came from the city, Eli stumbled to the floor falling on his back.
“Good luck in hell” the guard spat ferociously at Eli. He swung his sword back, arching his back to fulfil his power, but he was ground to a halt. The guards froze, rooted to the spot, limbs rigid and stiff. Cedric held is palm out, his eyes blood red, he muttered to himself slowly. The guards seemed frozen in time, their eyes stayed rooted open, their muscles permanently tensed.
“Wipe their memories, they’re good people” Eli clambered to his feet, brushing down his beige cloak. Cedric approached the statues, holding his hand above their heads. They suddenly tumbled to the ground and lay silently.
“They’ll be okay in an hour” Cedric groaned. The two warriors pushed through the rusty toll gates, slowly edging closer to what could be their last night alive.

[everyadventure]

Just cast your eyes over these excerpts from the first 3-sentence paragraph :

waited patiently outside, leaning gently.....windows heavily dusted..... Eli who laughed mockingly

and ask yourself are all four essential?

I have to disagree with Hill on this one; I think it's more a question of a reader's personal preferences. I DO think your adjectives and adverbs make your writing more interesting. Maybe they aren't ESSENTIAL, but I think they're a nice touch, and they help me visualize the scene better. If you pared this down, I would think: "dull, dull, dull!"

[everyadventure]

One more thing: in these two scenarios, the characters are "blank" and "monotone," but then their speech is punctuated with exclamation marks... how can that be?

The guards continued to stare; empty expressions were etched on their faces.
“Listen, I do not care who you are, we have been given orders by the Emperor to not let anyone in or out of the city! If you refuse to abide by these instructions we’ll take you to the fort in Bodon where you’ll be arrested! Now leave!”

“That’s not a dragon!” Cedric confirmed in a monotonous tone.

[DanPearson]

I'm trying to show that the 'empty expressions' are because of the events which happened in the city, at that point of the story we do not know what has happened and so it (hopefully) makes the reader curious. I used the exclamation marks in the next sentence to show that the guard still had a duty, still a sense of control. It's his job to be vocal and intimidating, even if he's scared he must abide by his orders (I hope you understand where I'm coming from here)

and for the other exclamation mark, if i'm honest I probably got a bit carried away with it all and placed the exclamation marks out of excitement. my mistake. I'll make sure I'm not as sloppy in the future