MystyrMystyry
02-10-2011, 04:54 AM
The trick is to make it understandable to the point it seems to make sense, but still avoiding the pitfalls of cliche - thus putting our own real world into absurd focus which many depressing writers forget to
There is an attitude of old writers that to be word-important is the thing, to express what they've learnt in the form of number of words they've picked up over the decades - they tend to forget that writing should be about having something to say, the words are just the tools used to get there
To say it 'with humour' would appear to be the dish of the day - not the chef's special - there are many writers who have a sense of humour who are hilarious, but only locally - like going on Letterman as guest stand up, opening with 'Here's an impersonation of my Uncle Fred!'
You may get laughs. but they won't be genuine from anyone outside of your hometown, and they certainly won't be lasting
The subtle joke is best, which is not quickly understood but which may hit the reader later in the week as quite brillliant, causing them to laugh on the bus, or even not at all - but whichever, to make them realise they've learnt something is key
There are some writers who think their sense of humour is automatically transferred to the page simply because they wrote it, this isn't true, the writer who thinks he is funny usually isn't - except to people who are similarly unfunny
Never criticise someone for having no sense of humour for they will quickly be on the offensive defense like a spider cornered - he will charge because he has nothing to lose - and if they had no sense of humour before they will certainly have none after a pointblank critique of its absence
If you are an old man (over forty) you shouldn't bother to write at all because you are already a joke, sir!
If you are a woman you should never draw upon your personal experiences for inspiration - there is nothing duller to someone who doesn't know you than hearing about your family and pets - these are conversations reserved for bridge nights and will eventually bring about sharing of photographs of grandchildren in preparation for the nursing home
If you are an old bugger you should never criticise in print a younger writer who has more talent than you ever had - this is called bitterness of the fool and it will eat you up
Should you be a young writer starting out do everything in your power to shock and terrify - it won't work, but it's more fun than sitting around like a vegetable pretending to be a sophisticated old intellectual fart
For poets - never use rhyme, it's archaic and a ridiculous way to carry on - save it for a pop song - the world needs better popsongs, that is if there must be popsongs they should at least be better lyrically than what we've been served lately (c 1950 to the present)
Always have an intention - there's nothing worse than reading something in which the author seems to have no idea what's going on beyond their own backyard - it might be a pleasant place, but there's not a lot to learn there
Drink heavily (not heavingly) and keep a record of the altercations that ensue - always good resources for the writer trying to break new ground, but also drink cheaply - paychecks are rare and they just aren't what they (if ever) were
Use decent pens and be sure refills are plentiful and handy (use decent refills too)
Never read reviews of your own work - very important this: critics don't know what they're talking about and are all somewhere between half-mad, completely mad, and just plain barking mad, and don't believe the lie that criticism is important - it's spread by these untalented hacks who have sold their souls for regular paychecks
Should the criticism be unpaid and unsolicited this applies doubly so - punch them in the nose and they'll soon learn their place
Should you choose to allow yourself to become a critic there are some very good pest exterminators utilising the latest in chemical warfare technology - give them a call
Writing for television, film, radio etc - this isn't writing at all, at least not in the true sense - to be sucessful you must demand high salaries and that's against the writer's code, but to be bad at it is fine: just like being bad at picking your nose
Writing for mass market consumption - the venerable sausage churners are great for monkeys and publishers alike - it doesn't matter if Dan Brown stole his misinformation and fabrications - he made lots of people lots of money with which all concerned have promised to replace the forests with
Writing for self-enjoyment - don't be fooled, there are many more enjoyable methods to obtain self-enjoyment, like reading - writing for self-banging head aganst wall more like it
Writing for politicians - well someone has to don't they? The number of monkeys being paid more than their fair share of peanuts grows exponentially every year so there are many opportunities to dig deep into the pile and accumulate for the long winter months
Writing for commerce (copywriters unite!) this is perhaps the easiest form of writing as it takes only a smidgin - a smidgin of imagination, a smidgin of product knowledge, a smidgin of talent, a smidgin of bending the truth - but the rewards can be Regal!
Writing for magazines - uh huh, quite a few ex-sportsmen and grammar school children end up in this gutter, though to be found at the bottom rung of the prestige ladder, it offers abundant opportunities for advancement and networking - like assistant editor, which entails no writing at all, and you still get invitations to the most exclusive parties
Newspaper writing - though some refer to this malignant hybrid as journalism, it is clearly only due to writing for a journal that it earns its stripes - there are levels of honesty and integrity that may indeed be one man's truth but which exist for no-one else
Writing for children - contrary to popular belief children are not as stupid as they look and they know steamed cabbage from ice-cream, and they know which they prefer
Writing for dummies - you've all seen them, but who has sunk so low to buy one, and who left to write them, and definitely who will admit this?
Ghost writing - this is a poor man's way to a quick buck, and can make a bad book tolerable - all writers should do it at least once, and then run like a thief
Writing on toilet walls - honorable and a guaranteed audience - and many of our favorite poets got their start here
Writing greeting cards - yes, you have it in you, but are you certain you want to share/impose it?
Writing on the madhouse wall - also known as a cry for help/attention - not recommended
Writing graffiti - another path for the tyro with flair, often 'writing' can be eschewed in favour of something poignant - a thousand words from one picture? Give me some of those pommegranites!
There is an attitude of old writers that to be word-important is the thing, to express what they've learnt in the form of number of words they've picked up over the decades - they tend to forget that writing should be about having something to say, the words are just the tools used to get there
To say it 'with humour' would appear to be the dish of the day - not the chef's special - there are many writers who have a sense of humour who are hilarious, but only locally - like going on Letterman as guest stand up, opening with 'Here's an impersonation of my Uncle Fred!'
You may get laughs. but they won't be genuine from anyone outside of your hometown, and they certainly won't be lasting
The subtle joke is best, which is not quickly understood but which may hit the reader later in the week as quite brillliant, causing them to laugh on the bus, or even not at all - but whichever, to make them realise they've learnt something is key
There are some writers who think their sense of humour is automatically transferred to the page simply because they wrote it, this isn't true, the writer who thinks he is funny usually isn't - except to people who are similarly unfunny
Never criticise someone for having no sense of humour for they will quickly be on the offensive defense like a spider cornered - he will charge because he has nothing to lose - and if they had no sense of humour before they will certainly have none after a pointblank critique of its absence
If you are an old man (over forty) you shouldn't bother to write at all because you are already a joke, sir!
If you are a woman you should never draw upon your personal experiences for inspiration - there is nothing duller to someone who doesn't know you than hearing about your family and pets - these are conversations reserved for bridge nights and will eventually bring about sharing of photographs of grandchildren in preparation for the nursing home
If you are an old bugger you should never criticise in print a younger writer who has more talent than you ever had - this is called bitterness of the fool and it will eat you up
Should you be a young writer starting out do everything in your power to shock and terrify - it won't work, but it's more fun than sitting around like a vegetable pretending to be a sophisticated old intellectual fart
For poets - never use rhyme, it's archaic and a ridiculous way to carry on - save it for a pop song - the world needs better popsongs, that is if there must be popsongs they should at least be better lyrically than what we've been served lately (c 1950 to the present)
Always have an intention - there's nothing worse than reading something in which the author seems to have no idea what's going on beyond their own backyard - it might be a pleasant place, but there's not a lot to learn there
Drink heavily (not heavingly) and keep a record of the altercations that ensue - always good resources for the writer trying to break new ground, but also drink cheaply - paychecks are rare and they just aren't what they (if ever) were
Use decent pens and be sure refills are plentiful and handy (use decent refills too)
Never read reviews of your own work - very important this: critics don't know what they're talking about and are all somewhere between half-mad, completely mad, and just plain barking mad, and don't believe the lie that criticism is important - it's spread by these untalented hacks who have sold their souls for regular paychecks
Should the criticism be unpaid and unsolicited this applies doubly so - punch them in the nose and they'll soon learn their place
Should you choose to allow yourself to become a critic there are some very good pest exterminators utilising the latest in chemical warfare technology - give them a call
Writing for television, film, radio etc - this isn't writing at all, at least not in the true sense - to be sucessful you must demand high salaries and that's against the writer's code, but to be bad at it is fine: just like being bad at picking your nose
Writing for mass market consumption - the venerable sausage churners are great for monkeys and publishers alike - it doesn't matter if Dan Brown stole his misinformation and fabrications - he made lots of people lots of money with which all concerned have promised to replace the forests with
Writing for self-enjoyment - don't be fooled, there are many more enjoyable methods to obtain self-enjoyment, like reading - writing for self-banging head aganst wall more like it
Writing for politicians - well someone has to don't they? The number of monkeys being paid more than their fair share of peanuts grows exponentially every year so there are many opportunities to dig deep into the pile and accumulate for the long winter months
Writing for commerce (copywriters unite!) this is perhaps the easiest form of writing as it takes only a smidgin - a smidgin of imagination, a smidgin of product knowledge, a smidgin of talent, a smidgin of bending the truth - but the rewards can be Regal!
Writing for magazines - uh huh, quite a few ex-sportsmen and grammar school children end up in this gutter, though to be found at the bottom rung of the prestige ladder, it offers abundant opportunities for advancement and networking - like assistant editor, which entails no writing at all, and you still get invitations to the most exclusive parties
Newspaper writing - though some refer to this malignant hybrid as journalism, it is clearly only due to writing for a journal that it earns its stripes - there are levels of honesty and integrity that may indeed be one man's truth but which exist for no-one else
Writing for children - contrary to popular belief children are not as stupid as they look and they know steamed cabbage from ice-cream, and they know which they prefer
Writing for dummies - you've all seen them, but who has sunk so low to buy one, and who left to write them, and definitely who will admit this?
Ghost writing - this is a poor man's way to a quick buck, and can make a bad book tolerable - all writers should do it at least once, and then run like a thief
Writing on toilet walls - honorable and a guaranteed audience - and many of our favorite poets got their start here
Writing greeting cards - yes, you have it in you, but are you certain you want to share/impose it?
Writing on the madhouse wall - also known as a cry for help/attention - not recommended
Writing graffiti - another path for the tyro with flair, often 'writing' can be eschewed in favour of something poignant - a thousand words from one picture? Give me some of those pommegranites!