Phone Call

[everyadventure]

last night you called
you called!
and we spoke of
nothing
in a way that meant
everything

you'd just been shopping

what did you buy, i asked
chicken
yogurt
celery
cereal--

--what kind of cereal?
eager for any detail
of your life
after me...

today i went
to the market
and bought a box
of Special K
with strawberries

and tomorrow
with 600 miles between us
we shall share
breakfast

[PrinceMyshkin]

I would amend and add a bit to the last lines:


we shall have breakfast
together


What a delicacy of touch and feeling throughout this, the restraint - that which one feels to be unsaid beneath that which is - is a testimony to the esteem in which this relationship was and is held.

[everyadventure]

Yes, I debated adding "together" as well. I went back and forth on that one... I'll let it sit a day or two and see what I think :)

[hillwalker]

I liked the longing implicit in the last line of v4 ...after me.

As for the inclusion of 'together' (or not) - if your intention is to imply some parallel life hindered by distance (geographical as well as relationship-wise) you might rather consider replacing 'have breakfast' with 'share breakfast'.....

just a thought

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes, I debated adding "together" as well. I went back and forth on that one... I'll let it sit a day or two and see what I think :)


Whichever way you decide re "together," I hope you'll add "breakfast" to the line before it, otherwise there's implied drama in the line break after "we shall have," a pause during which the fully engaged reader might be expected to wonder Now what's she going to say? That they will have brunch? a stroll down memory lane... oh, there it is: "breakfast"! What a surprise! and well worth the drama of waiting for it...

Edit: By contrast, look at the lines


today i went
to the market
and bought a box
of Special K
with strawberries


where the break after "Special K" emphasizes the importance you gave to getting precisely the right kind of Special K, the kind, presumably, that the person you were talking with prefers.

[everyadventure]

@hill: that's it! You've got it! I feel a bit guilty stealing your word, but it's precisely what I wanted to say.

Now if I ever have it published (which I have no intentions of doing) it shall have to say: Written By EveryAdventure and Hillwalker ;)

[blazeofglory]

After a long gap I read a poem. This poem is interesting since it touches on some of the realities we live with in today's world.

Love is not love anymore though ostensibly it is still the same thing. Industrialization or technology eruption has man self centric and he just craves nothing concrete and he is satisfied with virtual things.

Yes men are likely to feel bored in a while with love and sex.

[everyadventure]

@blazeofglory: say what?? :O

Something tells me that maybe that comment landed in the wrong place, LOL. I'm guessing it may have been meant for Manichean's poem "Sex" although I chose to pass over reading that one...

[hillwalker]

@hill: that's it! You've got it! I feel a bit guilty stealing your word, but it's precisely what I wanted to say.
Now if I ever have it published (which I have no intentions of doing) it shall have to say: Written By EveryAdventure and Hillwalker ;)

You are too generous. There's no need - when I'm short of a word I'll remember you owe me one.

H

[blank|verse]

Well, it's an effective ending to the poem, however it's been tinkered. (Although can I suggest a further amendment and remove the italics from the '600 miles' line?) The poem works well through its nicely observed characterization which is effectively conveyed in the desperately excited italicized second line and elsewhere.

As a general comment, I'm really not a fan of the seemingly random line-breaks. Those in the first stanza do work quite effectively, but thereafter there doesn't seem to be any guiding principle behind them, which leaves them open to the accusation of being 'cut-up prose' not poetry. For example, rhyme would have been nice here, reflecting the slightly child-like behaviour of the narrator perhaps. It's always worth considering how much bearing on meaning a poem's form has, as well as it's content. [Steps down from lectern...]

[everyadventure]

@b|v: this made me laugh, as it's precisely what we've been discussing all morning: EA's inability to make proper use of line breaks! It is indeed a fatal flaw of mine, and one I would desperately like to amend.

If you have any tips or practical advice that will help me along the way, they'd be greatly appreciated!

[blank|verse]

It's difficult to say just like that, but as a general guide, listen to your voice (or that of the narrator). A lot of poets writing free verse use phrasal or clausal breaks, and many seem naturally to imitate blank verse (as in iambic pentameter, not me personally!) in terms of voiced stresses per line.

It all depends what you want to achieve and what the voice of the poem is. So if the narrator is more thoughtful, calm, or trying to be persuasive through a philosophical argument (you know - like Prince's poems! :)) you might want longer, more 'thoughtful' lines; if she is more tetchy, angry, confused, emotional in some other way, this is something worth reflecting in syntax, line breaks etc.

Is that any help, or just more confusing?!

[Jerrybaldy]

This I believe, the beauty of those small details to make distance no object in the desparation to feel togetherness. Beautifully done.