To A Lost Lover

[everyadventure]

I have
nothing
of you

no photograph
of the two of us
walking in the cold
autumn sun,
you, golden in
amber light
and me,
wearing a peacoat
and my heart on
my sleeve

i have
no letters
to shred
no evidence
of the words you spoke
i live for you
nothing but memory
watching you leave
is what i do best

no matter.
i shall place these
memories
within a box
and tie it with string
i will place it on
my closet's highest
shelf, alongside
college tomes
and woolen sweaters

the memory of you
opening your door,
illuminating the night...
standing tall in a
brilliant corona,
the dear S. I remembered
but in the form of a man
your slow smile
the way you looked at me
as though you were
drinking me;
the draw
the pull
that left us both
speechless…
it will gather dust
until

someday
when I've grown very old,
I will find this box
and with tremorous hands
brush away gossamer
cobwebs
I will untie brittle string
and sift through
our youth
marveling at what I've
forgotten

[PrinceMyshkin]

I doubt that it was intended (and nothing in the poem itself supports the thought) but at first sight of the title, I wondered at the possible ambiguity of it: "lost," one would initially assume, to you; but could it also mean lost to or in himself?

These lines

the memory of you
opening your door,
illuminating the night...

were the most affecting to me. On the other hand I thought the "gossamer cobwebs" were too self-consciously poetic and a touch lachrymose.

[hillwalker]

Lovely poem - especially these lines :

the way you looked at me
as though you were
drinking me;

I'm just curious how you choose your line breaks???

H

[Delta40]

I like how a woman can drink in every detail of the memories she has no physical evidence of and still store them in a box to look at a later date. Good poem and one which pulled my own heartstrings.

[blank|verse]

So, to continue our discussion from the other thread... you could relineate the first two stanzas of this nicely yearning piece like so:

I have nothing of you.
No photograph of the two of us
walking in the cold autumn sun;
you, golden in amber light
and me, wearing a peacoat
and my heart on my sleeve.
I would argue that this way, the poem sounds more natural, and the speaker more reflective, which helps create a more persuasive poem. Otherwise, the constant breaks are quite distracting, and the reader has to concentrate more on them and less on what is being said, which is where you want the reader's attention to be.

The first line for example, is an effective opening line: 'I have nothing of you', but is said in one continuous breath, with the stress falling on nothing, not three staccato bits as the poem currently suggests.

(And I like 'peacoat' - it's a nice detail that brings the scene to life; and in context, creates assonance with 'sleeve', which works well. I also like the use of 'corona' here. Wonderful. b|v)

[Jerrybaldy]

I like your poem but ultimately I dont believe it

[everyadventure]

@ b|v: very helpful, thank you! I can't say why, but I think I was afraid to use long lines in a poem... almost as though someone would look at all those words strung together and say, "That isn't a poem! It's a story! Now move it to the proper forum thread or else!"

@Jerry: I'd be curious to know which part you found unbelievable? The ability to pack away those memories and leave them on the shelf? Or the entire scenario?