Sunset

[bortleman]

The pastels of a setting sun dance through the shallow draws of sagebrush covered hills. A man and woman walk down a narrowly cut path.. The woman steps gracefully forward, a feminine sway in her step. She seems to float like a cloud across the ground, pushed forward by gentle gusts of wind, lulling momentarily before lightly sweeping forward. Delicate hands white as ivory wind their way through vegetation. She lowers her affectionate gaze at each twisting desert flower she brushes them, and they reach after her before sliding away as she passes them up.

The man walks self consciously next to her, attempting to stay in stride. He watches her every move, like an alley cat eyeing a fresh catch. Bending his neck around her body he attempts to catch her brown marble eyes. He stumbles as he does this, kicking up tufts of desert dust. The mistake turn his puffy cheeks rosey red. His eyes follow every curve of her slender figure, he can almost taste the sweet flavors that her lotus tongue would fill him with. A lump sets high in the back of his throat, and he starves himself of oxygen trying to swallow it. The soft features of her face confront his contorted expression as the lump finally falls down his throat. A giggle escapes past a hand clasped over her mouth. The noise is subtle like a newborns breath.

There is a moment between them and the man fails to utter any words at all. He continues, following faithfully at her side. The sunset is long with the sun already behind the horizon. The man clears his throat, but solicits no response from her. He doesn't have the words. Her every move is a mystery. He steps beside her and their hands brush past each other. His heart jumps as his pores flush open and cover his skin in oily sweat.

She moves quickly up the path ahead of him. Her hazel hair flips around her head, the strands spinning through the air like the arms of the milky way, as she turns towards him. She flashes a seductive smile at the man. The sky darkens behind her fragile form as he chases after.

[hillwalker]

This is bortleman at your best and worst.

Some of this is very evocative writing - some glorious imagery. You paint a wonderful picture of this pair sharing an idyllic moment.

BUT there are far too many meaningless adverbs - it got to the stage where I was wondering which adverb you would use in the next sentence. There are 13 - I counted them. And most of them are superfluous. Adverbs are a lazy way of labelling an action - which is why they need to be used with caution.

The man walks self consciously next to her, awkwardly attempting to stay in stride with her. He lustfully watches her every move.....

You can improve this by letting us see the man's awkwardness or lust through his own eyes. Describe what thoughts are going through his mind. Show us in what way his movements become clumsy. Telling us he lustfully watches her doesn't tell us anything at all.

H

[everyadventure]

Bortleman! Here I was waiting for a zombie to pop out from behind a cacti and lop off the girl's head! Or at the very least, a rabid coyote attack! So I was pleasantly surprised to discover this was simply a moment, captured in all its beauty.

This line seemed odd to me: "the strands travelling through the air like a slow spinning ice skater." Brought to mind a Medusa-like creature with ice skaters writhing upon her scalp ;)

You've definitely been stretching yourself as a writer... astounding, the progress you've made just within the last month! You're a fun one to watch!

[bortleman]

There are 13 - I counted them.

H

H - I doubt many find humour in a critique, but this made me chuckle. Thanks.

EA - Thank you for the compliments and thoughtful feedback. I doubt I will do much development of this piece. Well, I lie, I might, but thank you for informing me what worked, or didn't, in the story.

[bortleman]

Also I made a small revision from my phone.

[hillwalker]

Revision noted - and it reads much better, as I hope you'll agree.

h

[everyadventure]

Nicely revised; this piece has more motion now. Before it was like looking at a lovely painting; now it's like being IN the painting.

[Delta40]

It is nice imagery. I thought he was going to stumble and in the cloud of dust and her soft laughter, he proposes.

as you refer to a desert flower earlier, I get the impression that it is very warm so

the strands travelling through the air like a slow spinning ice skater

somehow seems out of sync to me.

[bortleman]

Small revision two? From work haha...I hate editing this slowly.

[Delta40]

Small revision two? From work haha...I hate editing this slowly.

lol. don't do it Bortleman or you will end up looking like your avatar! You can please some of the people some of the time etc, etc. Let it stand when only YOU are happiest with it and basically (and in a nice way) stuff everyone else!

I have alot of work unedited simply because I like the end product (Then again, you haven't seen my name in print so I wonder if you should listen to me at all :nod:)

[bortleman]

Don't get me wrong I only edit if I think its justified. The phrase I changed I wasnt happy with the first time I put it down and I just wrote that to see what reaction it would receive. As it stands, it didn't have the desired effect. I frequently don't edit my works on purpose because I like how they were done. I'm not a people pleaser, but if I receive numerous reviews all bringing up the same thing that I was unsure about during the intial writing, then I will modify it.

[Delta40]

Then you are a wise writer B.

[bortleman]

Thank you, :) lol I try to be modest as I can but I gladly accept the compliment.

[Jack of Hearts]

You could probably see your entire journey in this piece, bortleman, if you tried. Parts of it are very fine and parts of it are heavy handed and the all of it displays a stratification of skill. This reader has always envied your ability to grow and work in different styles. Here are a couple of notes if you want them:


The woman steps gracefully forward...

and


The man walks self consciously next to her...

Two of the more glaring examples. You might forgive the first quote, or at least have better defense of it, so consider it supportive evidence at best and focus attention on the second quote. How does one move self-consciously? What does that look like in your mind's eye? What could you say about that rather than just "moves self-consciously"? Saying someone moves "self-consciously" isn't very descriptive- and there's a whole lot of essence in describing something like that. It simply isn't deep enough, artistic enough, it's just convenient enough and that's why it's called reportage. You might entertain that idea for "stepping gracefully" as well.

The second note relates to imagery. This piece is a veritable mish-mash of it.Some imagery you have provided: sunset pastels, sagebrush, a cloud, wind, desert flower, etc, etc... all fine and well but then there's things like alley cats, and a newborn's breath and marble. One feels the piece's integrity might be fortified if the imagery were more centralized and less conspicuous at parts (you may very well account the preceding comments as personal taste).

Reading your work is more rewarding with every posting, but the fact that it changes so much reminds the reader why you are an author to keep an eye on.






J