Bad Writing

[Jack of Hearts]

Bad Writing
A Collection More for the Author than for You




1. NA 1- Flacid Spider Monkey


The infrastructure was uprooted. For a time, production had been key but production required infrastructure and that was salvaged. It was salvaged because it was easier to put the resources elsewhere- isn’t it easier to look outward to criticize than inward to create? A more conservative allocation of resources, to be sure. This is how a brain looks on paper.

So rather than spilling brain matter out on the page he flung poo at other people’s statues that had come to personify his own impotence.

He had liked becoming a monkey. A bestial nature was within him but he lacked that austere dignity say a tiger or even a proper chimpanzee would possess. So he turned into a little spider monkey and scampered away from the keyboard. On his way out the window, back into the wild, his little feet smashed some buttons.
Dskngq’gj43i34joogj-oj]g54jrpogsji

[Jack of Hearts]

2. NA 2- King Slave


Gather ‘round children, wherever you roam, and admit that- I mean, hear a story about the birth of bureaucracy, red tape and the etymology of the word ‘kafka-esque’.

Once upon a time there was a great warrior. Grrrr! His name was Lothri and he was so strong. He was ripped like that guy who does the Shake-Weight commercials. Only his shake weight was a claymore sword that weighed as much as your baby sister but was not as fun to swing around recklessly. Yeah, I know!

Lothri had just had won a decisive battle against the eternal enemy of his countrymen, some other country’s men. The countrymen had effectively defeated the mean of the other country and their countrymen so men of the country and their countrymen went into the other men’s country. Lothri, who had fought valiantly, savagely and with an impeccable hair style, was democratically nominated to be their King (the only other choice being the octogenarian Lothru, a man with a kindly, mindful heart but cruel, wanton bowels).

Kids, Lothri was kind of like the teacher now. He got to make all the rules and be in charge of the classroom only the classroom was an indeterminate anagram of the bourgeois, la petite bourgeoise, ma petite amie, My Dog Skip and the upper middle class. Super cool, huh? But Lothri himself was tired of fighting. He figured he had paid his dues and everyone all agreed! So as leader he made a new law for his people: the king didn’t have to fight.

Lothri got old, though, just like Don Vito Corleone in the ‘Godfather’ (but not ‘The Godfather II’ where he gets young again. Really hoping one of you little squirts figures that one out for reals, ‘cause these knees ain’t what they used to be.) Pretty soon he died. I mean went to kitty heaven. I mean people heaven. All of his people thought he was a gosh darn good king and missed him. But wait! Lothri had a son, Lawndree. They figured the papa had just done such a swell job, why not give junior a try. So Lawndree and his wife, Fabriqe Soffna (a fair French maiden reminiscent of the springtime) were now king and queen. Lawndree had a lot of daddy’s hard won wisdom and even had fought a few battles himself- he sure was happy to get to retire early as per Lothri’s law! All the people thought Lawndree was a pretty good king too, even though sequels are never really as good as the originals (the exception being ‘Empire’… I mean, c’mon- ‘“I love you,” and Han just gets all frozen and says, “I know.” ).

The problem came in the third heir, Goldebond Medichatefutpohder. Goldebond never worked a day in his life and never listened to his parents. You really ought to listen to your parents children, and adults who tell you all these lovely lovely stories. Nobody liked him, he was complete **** as a leader, that ends the story. Now, onto the word of the day, ‘nepotism’ yay! Get out paper and a pencil… n…e-p… o-t-i….

[MANICHAEAN]

Jack
This is so theraputic. Can I join in please with my own "bad writing?" Extracts that one can never quite throw away!! If it disrupts your thread though, I shall of course desist.
I read both stories and could tell you enjoyed putting down whatever came into your head. In there, were a few nuggets, but then you already know that.
M.
Extract Story Written January 2009.

"Seth arrived in Discovery Bay on the north coast of Jamaica late afternoon by bus from Montego Bay. Tall, in his mid sixties, dressed in faded blue jeans and a white Gant cotton top he descended the stairs and looked around. A cold, restless, impotent desperation, concealed under a polite exterior and a good-natured smile. The location was not the vibrant undercurrent of downtown Kingston or the glitz of touristy Ochio Rios. It was a cove community on the Caribbean encompassing a cross section of indigenous Jamaican society, from the affluent ensconced in their villas on the surrounding hills, to the Yardie in his corrugated iron shack who knew not where the next meal was coming from.

The real estate office on the main drag, for some obscure reason was open, manned by the perspiring manager. Seth explained his need for a villa for an extended period and appeared not to have much concern regarding rates. By 6.30pm, the sun was setting and Seth was established on his newly acquired porch, suitably equipped from the nearby store with a bottle of Wray & Nephews rum, a tray of ice, coke & other accoutrements of a medicinal & beneficial nature.

Small communities are such that any interruption in the daily routine soon starts a ripple of speculation throughout. So it was with the initial establishment of Seth. In true Jamaican fashion they soon concentrated on the essentials. Was he rich? Was he married? What was his background, his character, his bathing habits, his faith & his intentions? Some had him as a retired banker, a hit man in between hits, a failed priest; such is the paucity of people’s imaginations when given so few facts to grasp at."

[Jack of Hearts]

MANICHAEAN, the author is tempted to deny your request as he fears your contributions may elevate the quality too much, increasing unintentional disarray, 'crossing the streams', etc, etc, big ornate words, etc.

On the 'reals', as the kids say, you are more than welcome.

Also, if any readers out there enjoy the bad writing here, please feel free to visit the Jack of Hearts archive in the Personal Poetry forum, where there are many more laughs to be had.




J

[Jack of Hearts]

3. NA 3- Love in the Nighttime Meadow


A full moon shone across the meadow. Two lovers ran to embrace each other amid the flowers.

“Bla bla bla bla,” she wept into his large masculine arms.

“Blah,” he said while kissing her forehead and stroking her hair.

"Bla!" she said while turning away in anger.

"Blah," he said while gently reaching for her arm through the night, to stop her going.

“Bla bla!” she said, her blues looking up into his chiseled features, stoic and distant like mountains so far away.

He gave one quick nod of affirmation. “Blah,” he said tenderly.

“Bla bla bla?” her voice grew more excited now and she clutched his chest in suspense.

His eyes searched left; they searched to-and-fro. At last he conceded:

“Blah.”

[MANICHAEAN]

Jack
I beg to differ as I think my contribution to be 'cheap, sentimental & ragged arsed crap of the highest order", but then the original thread & initiative is yours & I shall withdraw gracefully.
Regards
M.

[Jack of Hearts]

Dear MANICHAEAN,

Forgive this author's absurd sense of humor. He is prone to silliness and was not clear in his original response to you- you are welcome and encouraged to engage here if it is in your heart's desire. Sorry for the confusion.




J

[Jack of Hearts]

4. NA 4- On the Internet


My love for you is like a pot

and I think I’d rather tell you not

about the time that I got caught

seeking what I ought not have sought

on the internet.