Two Poems. Please comment, thank you.

[purplepiccola]

Spring Nights.

Absent minded
yet wide awake
with heart in hand
and soul to take
I remember you
and how we met
the fun we had
those nights of May.
The sparkly lights
of fireflies
lighted up the darken sky
the melody of dancing trees
moving along the soothing breeze.
The cricket sang the same old song
with no need of violins
while we, the young, fell in love
those early nights of spring.

Call to thee.


Lying here
waiting for thee
calling thy name
with every breath i take
and though thou might answer not back
I shall send my call to thee with the wind every night.
I shall send my call to thee
with the moon, with the stars, with the sea
waiting for thee to come to me
to give thee the sun, the rainbow, the love
to give thee every piece of me.
And forever thee shall I adore.
Forever thee.
Forevermore.

[hillwalker]

I'm not particularly fond of the second poem - too many thees and thous. I'm assuming it's a prayer of sorts - nothing terribly original in what it's saying.

The first poem shows more promise - but there are one or two pop song cliches to overcome first - 'heart in hand' - 'how we met/the fun we had/those nights of May.'
A touch of 'Saturday Night Fever'.

Love poetry is not much use if you are just recycling what everybody else has already written or said thousands of times in the past. Try to express your thoughts with a touch more originality - you might surprise yourself.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

True, as Hillwalker says, there are many familiar phrases in that first poem, but they're carried so blithely that I didn't mind them and quite enjoyed the over-all spontaneity of it. As for the 2d poem, no matter how much theeing and thouing one dost doth not make it a poem.

[everyadventure]

The first one reads like lyrics of a pop song. Not a BAD one, perhaps it would make its way up the charts... but as a piece of stand-alone poetry, sans music, it lacks "oomph."

The second is a little flowery for my taste, but that's a personal preference. A whole lot of words and not much said.

[ombre]

I agree, the second poem's thees distracted me from the actual poem, maybe the repetition was your goal, its just didn't do anything for me.