Nursing

[everyadventure]

starfish hands
latch flatly
while lashes
throw shadows
on cheeks
like yeast rolls
tiny toes
line up to be
counted

steady
wisp of breath
matches
the rhythm of
my own
and the creak
of the
rocking chair

[motherhubbard]

So nice. Cheeks like yeast rolls :)

[Jerrybaldy]

Nice imagery. I was thinking of mother and baby and then switched to grandmother due to the rocking chair. A smattering of punctuation would have prevented me first reading that the cheeks were like yeast rolls.

[hillwalker]

I'm picturing a mother nursing (possibly even suckling) a baby.

The first stanza had a lot of 'sh' and 'ch' sounds - the latter on first reading seemed a bit too harsh - but now I realise they match the sound of the rocking chair perfectly.
Another gem.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

There's a tsunami of wit, good humour and shrewd observation in these images and perhaps I'd have felt it came up short no matter how you ended it so quickly but the "creak of the rocking chair" was I think unavoidably an unwelcome premonition of mortality.

[everyadventure]

Hm, I DID intend for the cheeks to be like yeast rolls... but perhaps it could also be read that the toes were like rolls? Needs some work... I was trying to keep in mind the form of the poem, I wanted the lines staggered to mimic the back and forth motion of the rocking chair, but perhaps it sacrificed some of the meaning.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hm, I DID intend for the cheeks to be like yeast rolls... but perhaps it could also be read that the toes were like rolls?

Well, but sadly I don't think you could have both the toes like rolls and the sheer ebullient joy of


tiny toes
line up to be
counted

[blank|verse]

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RUBBISH!! HOW DARE YOU POST IT ON LITNET?!

Is that more like the response you expect from me?? :)

'Hilarity' aside, this is very good, ea. It reminds me of some of Sylvia Plath's baby poems. There's a lot of assonance and consonance going on in the first stanza (the stronger of the two) and I agree with Prince that the 'tiny toes' image is outstanding - the highlight of the poem for me. (Maybe an 'and' before 'tiny toes' would help make that read more easily.)

The break after 'cheeks' in the other notable image does make it read slightly oddly, maybe changing it to 'yeast roll cheeks' would help, I'm not sure.

An enjoyable poem, good stuff ea.

[everyadventure]

Yes, B|V, seeing your name beside one of my posts strikes equal parts fear and anticipation within my heart. However, I do value your opinion highly, and you bothering to comment at all tells me that you haven't entirely given up hope!