The One

[BSED90]

I will never be with you, I will never be your love
The closest you will ever get to me is this massive shove
You send signals of false hope
But I’m not the girl that’s going to mope

You have said it more then once, but never to me
You think you’re so perfect, So dreamy
With every thought I gave at daybreak
You became a stupid heartbreak

Romeo and Juliet we are not
This is a love that I must boycott
My hand comes at a price all can afford
I’m just a girl that wants to be loved and adored

Forever you will want me to hold
But to you, my hand will always withhold
Out of your league, I have become
It’s a sad and depressing long anticipated outcome

I have no feelings, no love in my heart
You wanted to be hers from the start
Fact or fake the true so clear
It’s been all about her for many a year

Like she is the earth and you are the moon
You revolve around her worse then the moons of Neptune
For once you made me wish I was the sun
But then I realized that I was just your vixen

As you should know my heart can’t be won
Not when I come second to everyone
Forever with a wet face, you will always regret
That little love interest, but you can’t make me fret

Who would want blonde over a brunette
I will never run out of things to regret
It’s been said and proved; your love for her is oh so true
This whole relationship is something that I wish I could undo

I put someone on hold to answer to you
He’s waited on me and he’s proved to be true
He’s fixing the pieces one by one
And his hearts been mine since day negative one

[MystyrMystyry]

I'm confused - is this actually addressed to someone in particular? Or imaginary?

Are you angry and want to be rid of him? Because it doesn't sound that way

It reads a mite contrived and too nicely rhyming to express the contempt you would otherwise feel, as though you're not saying a final farewell but gently wishing they'd reform

And then you start talking about having someone who's always been in the wings and yet you still maintain lyrical words to the one you don't want

If you rewrote it to the one you want and made it a love poem, then it would ring true

Or wrote it angrily to the one 'you've gotten rid of' (!) then it would make sense

Please keep writing, because the moons of neptune needs to be said, but to do a serious poem it has to make sense in both structure and style

But still thanks for sharing it, and hopefully there'll be many more :)

[hillwalker]

I think you have a lot more to say - this indeed reads like a gentle 'shove'.

My only criticism would be the way you have allowed rhyme to dictate how you express your thoughts here - and lines like 'Out of your league I have become' are just wrong. I'm assuming you never speak like this, so why try to write like some wussy poetess?

Write the way you think - the way you talk - that's the way forward. And let'd really see what you have to say for yourself.

H

[Delta40]

I agree with the above. There is no doubt about the pent up, tumultuous emotions but they are seriously confined by rhyme. Write in your authentic voice. Free yourself from preconceived notions of poetry.

[everyadventure]

Let it out, sister! SCREAM IT!

[BSED90]

I think you have a lot more to say - this indeed reads like a gentle 'shove'.

My only criticism would be the way you have allowed rhyme to dictate how you express your thoughts here - and lines like 'Out of your league I have become' are just wrong. I'm assuming you never speak like this, so why try to write like some wussy poetess?

Write the way you think - the way you talk - that's the way forward. And let'd really see what you have to say for yourself.

H

I wrote this for an assignment. The emotions from the class were mixed and the professor loved it. I wanted the opinions of some others. I only rhyme like this when I have to. I think it is so hard to rhyme when forced.

[hillwalker]

I think it is so hard to rhyme when forced.

It is indeed - and your poem proves how it can backfire when you don't listen to your insincts.

Your professor may have loved it but he/she would have done you a greater service by suggesting you redraft it in the voice you use every day.

But it's a great start - as the others have already said, let it all out.

H