hi...what do u think about this one? "we will depart"

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

hi...what do u think about the meter first, and then the other parts...thanx

that breeze with a mutter cried we will depart
my pleasure narrowed in the twilight as a heart

gloomy despair burnt my soul as steams
your hands are cold as tomorrow of dreams

i wondered in the innocence of a child o "Mom"
i hug you with a love of dears in calm

let me know if the moments were not happy to bear
or my heart was not large, but it was clean as the tear

dont release me in the way of woe and grief
with the song of misery to the mirage of life

i heard the loneliness in my ears it cries
dont dream of return, she is gone with days

dont count the moments of arrival, she died
in that grave she sleeps as the star in the cloud

[PrinceMyshkin]

There are some moving lines in this, but at times your rhymes seem forced - and then it is a great disruption when you abandon them towards the end.

[Jerrybaldy]

I agree with Prince, if you set up a rythmic flow you need to see it through or at least return to it as you close. Not to sure about the star in the cloud.... I can still feel the hurt described none the less.
JB

[hillwalker]

1) the meter stumbles between line 1 and 2 and never really recovers

2) the rhyme forces you to write some rather strange-sounding sentences. I'm assuming English is not your first language so perhaps attempting to write something in both strict meter and rhyme was too ambitious.

There are some original expressions but overall it did not make a great deal of sense.

H

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

thank u hillwalker for ur comment
thankx jerry and prince..thank u all
what do u mean by strong rhyme?

[hillwalker]

what do u mean by strong rhyme?

'forced rhyme' is when you choose to end the second line with a particular word just because it rhymes with the end of the first line - making no attempt to keep the sense of the poem intact. You are forcing a word into the poem that has no reason to be there other than because it fits the rhyme scheme.

For example :

that breeze with a mutter cried we will depart
my pleasure narrowed in the twilight as a heart

'heart' rhymes with 'depart' - but 'as a heart' is meaningless in this context.

and the same could be said for most of the couplets in this poem.

H