Shwoosh!

[MystyrMystyry]

What a morning - a thousand marauding Mongolian hordesmen came riding

through my backdoor, mowing me down into the dirt beneath their

trampling hoofs

And then when I got up out of the mess that was left of me and quickly

locked the door, there was a knock on the front door - well, not a knock as

such, more a "Come out with your hands up!" through a megaphone. I

peeped through the curtain and there were Swat and Special Ops and Army

and Federal Cops - what to do!?

They were coming down the chimney so I hastily lit a fire which took care

of them temporarily, but they'd be back eventually when I ran out of books

Suddenly a crash and smoke and they'd thrown a teargas grenade through

the window, so I ran to the bathroom and wet a towel and buried my face in

it

But I couldn't do that for long because I couldn't see and I was getting

hungry and then I remembered my swimming goggles - so when I opened

my fridge there was the severed head staring at me from he freezer (I'd

forgotten about that severed head!) and also a bushelworth of squirming

maggots came pouring out at my feet

"I should clean this place up more often," I thought to myself, "Now these

damn maggots have eaten everything..."

There was another knock at the door - okay, so it was more of the roar of an

angry ogre who had come down from the mountains to eat me alive

"No thanks!" I yelled out through dog flap. "I've already got some!"

This seemed to appease it, and it thundered next door to the neighbors'

house - I hope they're alright... but I was happy I finally found a use for the

dog flap

Now I still had the problem of the teargas which was making me feel a little

spare and had a decision to make - the attic or the cellar?

I decided on the attic, as that would afford me a bit of time should the

mercenaries come searching - did I mention them? - well there were

mercenaries after me too

Where'd all these rats come from?

And then there was the howling wind that blew up from somewhere, and

not only up, but the roof off into the bargain, which was probably just as

well, because at the very same second a Boeing 747 crash-landed right

where I'd been standing

Seeing as I now had no attic, the cellar it was, but upon opening the trap

and climbing down I heard the first "hisss" of many

The cobras! I was meaning to get rid of them, but it had completely slipped

my mind - and they'd been breeding like it had been going out of style -

thousands of them climbing up my legs

I made it to the coalhatch with no time to lose, and fortunately the

snakecatcher had just pulled up

"There's the snake!" one of them cried, and tried to snare me in a net, while

the other was tryng to break my arms and legs

"You've got the wrong person!' I pleaded with them to see reason, but they

wouldn't listen, and it must have been my lucky day because one of the

bounty hunters turned up and being a bad distance shot managed to take

them out instead of me - and I only got a couple of grazings and a head

wound and concussion

While he reloaded his Smith and Wesson, I made a break for it to the open

sewer pipe, but I had no idea monsters had taken up residence down there -

I call them monsters but more specifically they were bona fide bogey men

with their customary black capes and stovepipe hats they were

unmistakable

But I couldn't recall if I was supposed to stick to the shadows or the light,

so I tossed a coin which I failed to catch and alerted them to my presence.

Good thing I had another coin and promptly threw it far toward the other

end of the drain - they fell for it!

So granted a couple of moments to consider the best plan of action I

decided to hop on an old log and grab a paddle and sail it through the

sewerage, but it wasn't an old log at all - it was the back of a ferocious

crocodile that must've taken a wrong turn somewhere

And now I had two problems, three if you include the bats that had got

stuck in my hair and the carnivorous leeches hanging off me everywhere

(yes - even there!) and me with no salt to get rid of them

I decided that if I put my head between the croc's jaws as a tease it would

bite the bats off when I quickly withdrew - it worked, except now my hair

was entangled in its razorsharp fangs

I couldn't believe it! I'd remembered to bring my pocketknife, which easily

took care of that

Soon there was a light ahead - it was the open ocean, and I thought I

should be free of this mess if I can make it that far

An angel must have been smiling on me because I did make it - right into

the encircling sharks taking bites out of me and stinging jellyfish tentacles,

while above the waves were illegal salvagers and pirates and the coast

guard who lost interest in the others when they spied me, exhausted from

my battle with the croc, swimming helplessly against the current

Imagine my surprise when I was rescued by North Korean frogmen spies

who'd been busily setting up a minefield - they took me back to their

submarine for questioning and I explained that I was just out for a dip and

got caught in the riptide

They seemed to believe my story and tied me to the back of a torpedo

aimed for a battleship

Well that was the one of the most thrilling experiences in recent memory,

except I had to then figure a way off before detonation which was getting

very close

I gnawed through the nylon ropes until I was free and was sucked straight

into a school of hungry giant territorial squids - and you guessed it - sushi

calamari time

Of course I couldn't defeat them all what with the general exhaustion, so I

hurriedly departed in a pool of black ink from a cut sack before letting them

get the better of me

And would you believe what happened next? The pirates I'd seen earlier

threw me a lifesaver and keelhauled me onto their ship - but these weren't

modern pirates - this was a ghostship and all the mouldy cutthroats had

been dead for centuries, and they were demanding a blood sacrifice in order

to return to life

Well, needless to say I wasn't going to be party to those kind of

shenanigans and hurriedly scaled the rope to the crowsnest, kicking them

off as they came close

From this vantage point I could see another ghostship nearing from the

stern - it was a Royal vessel and it was firing its cannons at us

Well I would be safe - unless a cannonball knocked me off my perch - which

is precisely what did happen, so no need to relate my disappointment about

that

Back in the swirling sea there was an unusual bubbling beneath me and

when I dipped my head in to investigate I found that it was being caused by

a kraken - huge it was, and it quickly set its sights on me as a hearty snack,

and before I knew what was happening it swallowed me in one gulp

Inside its guts I came face to face with a mermaid - I'd never seen one

before - and got to talking how her boyfriend was coming to save her, well

by and by we heard a scratching and it became clear it was the sound of a

sword cutting through the kraken into its stomach - a hole big enough for

both of us to fit through, so after a deep breath they took me to their home

in the lost city of Atlantis - well, lost no more - this was the real deal

I was allowed to rest there until I'd fully recuperated from my ordeal (and

then some if I so chose) but after pocketing the enormous sacred ruby from

the forehead of a statue it was time to hightail it out of there

I swam so fast I got the benz on the way up, but at least I outswam them -

except a new peril surfaced - an edgeless maelstrom in the middle of the

blue, and I got caught up in the swirl. I thought it would be wise to take

another deep gasp before being sucked into it down down down down

down like someone had pulled out the plug

But, do you know, on the other end of a maelstrom there's the motherlode

of hot magma, it being so close to the Earth's core, and it converts all the

water into steam which gets forced back to the surface through a series of

fractures like vents, and it was through one of these (only one luckily) I was

forced back to the surface, and not before time as it was getting very hot

down there

And through this labyrinth of interconnecting fissures I made my weary way

to to the top of a dormant volcano on an island in the South Pacific where

headhunters immediately began shouting at me for interrupting some

religious ritual or other, and they didn't seem particularly happy to see me,

with their eyes wide and tongues awaggle and spears ashake I was out of

there, my friends, like a bullet from the barrel of a gun, until that is I fell

into a deep dark chasm

[MystyrMystyry]

Pt 2

"Hello!" I cried, though more to hear the echo than expecting anyone to

answer, but as the echo died away there was another "Hello!" from

somewhere - either this was very deep and vast indeed, or I had visitors

amongst the stalagmites

I made my way toward where I imagined it had come from, reckoning from

where in the sky the sun had been on my brief observation it must have

been about lunchtime, and it was a good thing I had yesterday's trousers on

and in them yesterday's sandwiches so I ate while I tripped along in the

darkness

And dark! It was so dark I couldn't see a thing, my mind was trying to fill in

the blanks, and doing it wrong too, which is the reason I kept tripping over

the different sized rocks and periodically taking in mouhfuls of dirt also

Finally I found myself in a large pool of water - I knew this because of the

splashing my gumboots made as I tried to negotiate my way out of it, but

to no avail - for what seemed an hour I swam around and around in search

of solid footing, but apart from rare tiny islands that hardly granted seating

(though it may have been the same tiny island) I could see no way out of it

"Hello!" I yelled again, and waited for the echoes to die away, and sure

enough, "Hello!" came the response

"Where are you!?" I ventured

"Over here!" it called back

I'm trapped on a tiny island in the middle of a large annoying puddle!" I

cried out. "Do you think you could help out a fellow explorer!?"

"I'm not an explorer!" I heard the reply. "I'm lost!"

"Where!?"

"Over here!"

"Have you got a torch!"

"Yes!"

"Maybe if you waved it around I could see it!"

"Sure! Did you see that!?"

"No!' I creamed hoarsely. "Are you certain it's lit!?"

"Didn't say it was lit!"

"Well what did you wave it around for!?"

"Who said I did!?"

"You!" I shouted back. "Er, don't take this personally - but you don't

actually have a torch do you!?"

"Yeah!"

"But it's not lit!?"

"My matches got wet in a confounding pool of water!"

"I have matches!" I screamed into the darkness

"Well maybe you could light my torch!"

"Good thinking! How do you propose I do that!?"

"Uh oh!"

"Uh oh what!?'

"There's something in here!"

"What sort of thing!?"

"Very big hairy snorting snarling thing!"

"Why aren't you running away from it!?"

"Oh I am - believe me!"

I thought it best if I stopped our communication lest one side of it was

clawed and gnawed to bits before I got hold of its torch, and in the black I

heard sparse echoing noises, that I hopefully imagined to be footsteps

running toward me

I climbed back into the water, swam around some more, eventually found

another (or the same) tiny island, and sat on it

"You still alive!?" I shouted

"Yeah!"

"Well tell me if anything happens!"

"Be sure to!"

"Okay!"

"Waaagh!"

"Waaagh what!"

"It's got me!"

"Well don't let it eat you!"

"I'll keep that in mind!"

I looked around at the things I couldn't see, imagining all sorts, when I

chanced to look up - there was a pinprick of light I hadn't noticed before, it

being so miniscule and distant and up above and all

Why this now kept me entranced is a not a curiosity as being able to see

anything after a while is better than nothing - and I'd been looking at plenty

of nothing for a few hours now

"Hey!"

"Yeah!?"

"I can see a tiny pinprick of light in the ceiling!"

"Lucky you!"

"No need to be sarcastic!"

"I wasn't - I genuinely thought lucky you!"

"Oh - You beaten that big hairy thing off yet!?"

"Don't ask!"

"Punch it in the nose!"

"Why there!?"

"Apparently they've got lots of sensitive nerve-endings in their noses!"

"Who have!?"

"Big hairy things!"

"Oh - here goes!"

"Well!?"

"It worked!"

"When you say 'It worked!' in what manner did that manifest itself!?"

"It ran away!"

"Oh, I was thinking you might have knocked it out!"

"No such luck - might've made a good dinner!"

"How long have you been down here!?"

"I've lost count of the days and weeks and months - we're not all fortunate

enough to have a tiny pinprick of natural sunlight in our ceilings!!"

"Now that was sarcastic!"

"No - I don't think it was!"

"Your voice is discernably louder!"

"So's yours - what'd you do!?"

"Swam to another island!" I said. "Though it may be the same island! Er,

can you see the tiny pinprick of light!?"

"In the ceiling!?"

"Yep!"

"Nope!"

"Are you looking up!?"

"Up, is it?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, right! Yeah I can see it!"

Splash! Splash! Splash!

"Stop walking!" I yelled

"Done!"

"Good - now retrace your steps!"

"Can't do that!"

"Why not!?"

"Because I've lost my steps!"

"I told you to stop walking!"

"Correct, and now I'm swimming!"

I groaned, as you do, when you've lived as long as I have

"Have you still got the torch!"

"The torch!"

"Yes! Do you still have it!?"

"No, because I dropped it in my haste to escape the big hairy thing!"

There was a pause in the conversation while I gathered my thoughts into a

streaming ball of obscenties

"You know you can stop shouting," the voice said calmly from behind me

"No I can't!"

"Yes you can, because I'm here now."
"Without the torch..."
"It's not that important - didn't work anyway - I've lived without it for, well,

I can't remember how long...""
"I hope you mean it didn't work because you wet your matches?"
"By your tone, I'll agree that that's the reason..."
"Right - so any ideas at all on how to get out?"
"None," he said. "Otherwise I would've done it by now."
"So how long were you stuck in the pond?"
"Not long - what I figured was I kept ending up on the same island-"
"How'd you figure that?"
"I left my keys on it, and I kept finding them-"
"Bit risky if you weren't sure that it was it the same island-"
"Didn't say I did it in purpose."
"Oh - and then?"
"Well I assumed that it was somewhere central - and then, gathering my

keys in my mouth, swam as far straight ahead until I hit big land."
"Why your mouth?"
"In case I dropped them somewhere else - dropping them on the island's

easy - I don't know how deep this pond is, and it may have crabs at the

bottom."

With that I jmped off and swam swam swam until I reached big land,

whence I heard a tinkling metallic sound
"I think I found your keys," I said
"Really? hadn't realised I lost them..."

Suddenly from the vicinity of the pinprick there came a loud hammering,

and upon looking up my eyes filled with dust
Someone or something was enlarging the pinprick to the size of a hole for

what purpose I had no idea - but soon it had become quite a large hole

enabling the sunlight entry and illumining quite a large area around me
"What you up to!?" I shouted "More importantly, have you got a rope or a

ladder!?"
"We've got a ropeladder!" came the reply
"Well yes please!"
"Soon as we get down, then we'll let you up!"
"Why? There's nothing down here!"
"We're after the old woman!"
"No old women down here!"
"No? Then we won't bother!"
"Hang on!" I yelled upon realising the ropeladder was being withdrawn.

"Hey, you, whatsisname, - pretend you're an old woman."
"But I am an old woman..."
"You are? What about your masculine baritone?"
"Some people like it - me for one..."
"Got your old woman right here!" I shouted up
"Right!"
"Seriously!"
"Prove it!"
"Tell them something old womanly," I demanded. "Quickly."
"Erm, you've put me on the spot - what do you want me to say?"
"Tell them you're an old woman."
"I'm an old woman!"
"You sound like the other one!" came a voice from above
"What!" I barked. "How dare you!"
"Well?"
"What do you want her for?"
"She knows where the treasure is!"
"Treasure?"
"She buried it in the cave, and we left her to guard it for safe keeping!"
"You didn't tell me that," I said
"None of your business," she responded
"How much are we talking?"
"Enough..."
"Can I have some?"
"What for"
"I need a new house."
"What happened to you old one?"
"It got destroyed - well it was in the process of being destroyed when I

abandoned it - should be completely destroyed by now."
"Oh sure," she said. "Should be plenty enough for a new house."
"Tell them to get us out of here then," I said
"Get us out of here!" she squawked
"Why?"
"Because the treasure's useless down here!"

[everyadventure]

For a brief moment I was afraid this was one of those dime-a-dozen horror tales and I'd have to struggle for some compliment to sandwich between insults. But I was delighted by this over-the-top romp.

All of these things are in a day's work for a writer, no?

Thanks for sharing :)

[YesNo]

Nice dialogue and funny. :)

[MystyrMystyry]

Ah thanks guys - this is unusual for me to comment on comments (I don't usually read them) but I'm not really commenting, just pausing to explain that this was born of frustration/anger - I work in Wordpad, and was writing a much much slower much more detailed story when midway, for a reason known only to Microsoft, the thing inexplicably crashed leaving me high and dry

I began this painfully protracted net quest searching for where (or if) the text is temporarily kept inside the computer and what sort of extension it may have, and, well, ten or a dozen sites later I finally accepted that all was lost, because I just didn't feel up to writing it over again - so I leapt into this hoping to forget the loss, but maybe also adding bits from the other

I didn't/haven't gotten around to it: and this was simply more enjoyable to do regardless

[MANICHAEAN]

Dear MystyrMystyry
Raymond Chandler apparently, when he felt a story was slacking, used to have a guy enter the room with a gun. Your piece needed no such additive as it was freewheeling from the word "Go!"
Did not notice anything about a fairy princess, a moral observation or a happy ending?
Regards
M.

[Dougy]

Force Majeur, definitely an unknown quantity. A force to behold. It's good to let go and freewrite.

I'd advise you to try out Open Office as it's free and doesn't crash as often as MS Office.

Thanks for the adventure,

Dougy