Superfluous Eyes

[Patrick_Bateman]

Reposed on highest bough and enraptured in melody

A nightingale is brooding in solitary harmony.

A long, unyielding body twists and writhes below.

Possessed with fraudulent power she is restricted in flow.

Worshipped! The sovereign shimmers with intense golden delight

But this sun fires down its flames and proves its veritable might.

The day has come when West must meet East

No force can dispel bloodlust in nefarious Fascist beast.

Lovers embrace in realms of passion as their hearts rapidly beat

Beneath the grimy film of pretence lie traces of dark lies and deceit.

Greeted as saviours foreign legions encounter the oppressed

But soon grim revelations leave miles of slain and depressed.

[hillwalker]

It's very difficult to figure out what this is about because you write in such an artificially 'poetic' manner - I'm guessing it is some attempt to describe oppression, and how it can even make the nightingale pause in its song. But there are lots of other references to the sovereign and the sun and lovers that baffled me.

The flowery, convoluted language you employ does absolutely nothing for me I'm afraid. Smothering everything you are trying to say in layers of pretentiousness makes it quite unpalatable. Perhaps you believe this is the way poetry is supposed to be written. But that's not the case.

H

[Patrick_Bateman]

It's very difficult to figure out what this is about because you write in such an artificially 'poetic' manner - I'm guessing it is some attempt to describe oppression, and how it can even make the nightingale pause in its song. But there are lots of other references to the sovereign and the sun and lovers that baffled me.

The flowery, convoluted language you employ does absolutely nothing for me I'm afraid. Smothering everything you are trying to say in layers of pretentiousness makes it quite unpalatable. Perhaps you believe this is the way poetry is supposed to be written. But that's not the case.

H

The flowery, convoluted language has its purpose. And that becomes evident when you realise what the poem is really about.

The title itself is a BIG help.

And the last 2 lines are to be taken literally, unlike the rest

[hillwalker]

I'm guessing maybe the presence of foreign powers in Iraq or Afghanistan - but I still don't see the need to dress this up like some Shakespearean sonnet. But that's merely my personal opinion.

H

[Patrick_Bateman]

Your reaction is perfect. I want you to see that the language is pretentious and flowery. It settles with the theme of the poem.

Like I said every word is for a purpose and intentional.

What would really get me to cream my pants is if you realise why and what the poem is essentially about.

I probably sound even more ostentatious or defensive because of your critique but I am not just trying to spare any embarrassment.
I have been on this forum a while expected responses like that from those who are more astute and have a trained eye for poetry.

[Patrick_Bateman]

I'm guessing maybe the presence of foreign powers in Iraq or Afghanistan - but I still don't see the need to dress this up like some Shakespearean sonnet. But that's merely my personal opinion.

H

Further back in time.
I'd say deciphering the 'lovers' part is key to understanding pretentious veneer.

[Patrick_Bateman]

but I still don't see the need to dress this up like some Shakespearean sonnet.

H

The poem evolved from being a sonnet I tried to write in Iambic Hexameter

but once I got past the 4th line I ran into a wall and then went in a completely new direction as i was hit with inspiration and also revised the opening 4 lines to conform to my new idea.

Although it may seem I am trying to be showy with colourful language, I have never been more prouder of a composition as its the first time I've written something does exactly what I want it to, with every word and technique being purposeful and done for a very specific reason.

I'm sure it's clear I haven't been writing poetry long (usually just haiku and short poems) but I think this is a big step forward for me.
Your summary has been perfect so far the only thing is to make it complete by realising the meaning of the poem and its composition and therefore understanding why you initially found it pretentious.

However I don't expect you to spend that kind of time on my poem.

[Alexander III]

My honest critique:

Lots of beautiful images, but it seems to me that you overload the poem with multi syllabic words and descriptions. This draws aways from some of the images, as when one is surrounded by pleasure pleasure becomes the norm and is no longer appreciated. The same with your poem, to many images, so that they are no longer appreciated and when a really good one comes it is ignored because there are to many. I hope you get what I mean.

Also, you use many cliches of romantic poems from 200 years ago. Many of your rhymes and images are cliches, so it would be best to drop them as they offer little to the poem and get in the way of the images which you have created which are not cliches.

Lastly the rhyme feels forced at times, which detracts from the poem and if you use rhyme you must use a constant meter and though I am no expert when it comes to meter your's is hard to keep up with and does not seem to flow. This is partly because of the excessive use of multi-sylabic words.

[Alexander III]

Ohh snap, I just realized that this poem is satirical...Haha I am a dunce, ignore what I said before, I had not realized it was a satire.

[hillwalker]

..... every word and technique being purposeful and done for a very specific reason...... I don't expect you to spend that kind of time on my poem.

I'm intrigued - you say further back in time, so given the mention of Fascism then it's possibly the second World War or Spanish Civil War you are refering to.
As for the lovers - I'm still not convinced you have given enough clues to identify them unless you mean national alliances. But there's nothing here to suggest that.

And your affirmation that every word has a purpose -


Reposed on highest bough and enraptured in melody
A nightingale is brooding in solitary harmony.
A long, unyielding body twists and writhes below.
Possessed with fraudulent power she is restricted in flow.
Worshipped! The sovereign shimmers with intense golden delight
But this sun fires down its flames and proves its veritable might.
The day has come when West must meet East
No force can dispel bloodlust in nefarious Fascist beast.
Lovers embrace in realms of passion as their hearts rapidly beat
Beneath the grimy film of pretence lie traces of dark lies and deceit.
Greeted as saviours foreign legions encounter the oppressed
But soon grim revelations leave miles of slain and depressed.

I've underlined the words and phrases that jar the most and cannot for the life of me see their significance.

As for the identity of 'she' in line 3 - and the one who is 'worshipped' - I give up. You obviously have designed this with great care to convey some subliminal message but unfortunately it was too obscure for this reader.

Thanks for taking the time to respond in such detail.

H

[Patrick_Bateman]

My honest critique:

Lots of beautiful images, but it seems to me that you overload the poem with multi syllabic words and descriptions. This draws aways from some of the images, as when one is surrounded by pleasure pleasure becomes the norm and is no longer appreciated. The same with your poem, to many images, so that they are no longer appreciated and when a really good one comes it is ignored because there are to many. I hope you get what I mean.

Also, you use many cliches of romantic poems from 200 years ago. Many of your rhymes and images are cliches, so it would be best to drop them as they offer little to the poem and get in the way of the images which you have created which are not cliches.

Lastly the rhyme feels forced at times, which detracts from the poem and if you use rhyme you must use a constant meter and though I am no expert when it comes to meter your's is hard to keep up with and does not seem to flow. This is partly because of the excessive use of multi-sylabic words.

I understand what you said and reading it to myself some lines sound clumsy.
But I think this is negligible once you see what the poem is about. I think it's a bit precipitate to comment on a person's use of words and language before understanding why they were used or what the poem is about.
The cliches are good as they run parallel to the idea of political cliches that 'allies' promulgate when they try to convince the other of their 'good intentions'
But as you said in a subsequent post, you have discovered that it is satirical.
(It's not a poem for purists) I did not follow a metre as it was restricting what I wanted to say in the poem so I discarded any attempt to follow a metre, and like I said I haven't been writing poetry for long and so I want to concentrate on the composition of the words, before I start getting all fancy and trying to masquerade as a real poet.

[everyadventure]

Reading this, I think of Nostradamus. Seemingly nonsense, but would perhaps make sense retrospectively, if we had any idea what you were talking about.

[Patrick_Bateman]

Highest bough At this point in time one of the subjects of this poem was 'Uber alles' shall we say ;) high up in the political stratosphere, looking down on everyone else.

enraptured in melody His desires in this East (most important to him) are about to come to fruition his melody is in the well known phrase 'the World shall hold its breath'

brooding and solitary harmony will likely speak for themselves now as the first line is put into context.

long unyielding body some may have seen this as a river and that interpretation is fine but it actually referred to how Allies in the West viewed the Red Army. Vast and powerful in numbers of men and material.

fraudulent power Germany knows of the weak old man under the extravagant spectacles and propaganda showing strength and invulnerability.

restricted in flow USSR cannot permeate wherever it wants. All the propaganda and displays of military might in the world cannot hide the recent defeats to the Finns and in earlier war with Poland.

shimmers...intense golden delight A dictator esteemed as a God, bringing good and promising future to his people etc

fires down I struggled with the wording here and have probably chosen poorly

veritable Force against neighbouring territories may not be formidable enough to conquer, but the misery visited upon own inhabitants is done with such force and energy that the 'might' of the Party is justly described.

nefarious I chose this because of the 's' sound at the end compliments (in my opinion) the sounds in the middle of the word 'Fascist'.

'Lovers' refers to the years of union and alliance where both sides were scratching the others back and providing plentiful supplies of what the others needed (sites for military training manoeuvres or raw materials etc)

grimy film of pretence...dark lies I'm sure these are self evident now.




miles of slain and depressed purely literal phrase.

I'm explaining the underlined words as quickly as possible as I am technically 'at work'

:)

[everyadventure]

Thanks for the interpretation. Your poem might benefit future readers if you'd maybe but a sub-title in italics, referencing the War. Again, has a very Nostradamus vibe, but there's nothing wrong with that.

[Patrick_Bateman]

Thanks for the interpretation. Your poem might benefit future readers if you'd maybe but a sub-title in italics, referencing the War. Again, has a very Nostradamus vibe, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Thanks for the tip

I think I shall

[hillwalker]

Yes - I think footnotes would have helped (but even now most of the explanations you have provided don't make much sense to me).

It is still an awkward poem both in the use of language and metaphor and in the meter. I think trying to write in this style has backfired as the whole point of doing so was lost somewhere along the line. Satirical? In what way? Satirising propaganda might have been better done by the use of slogans rather than 'classical poetry'..... it asks more questions than it answers.

H

[Patrick_Bateman]

I'll hope to get better then, and there is more than one way to satirise :)

[hillwalker]

I'm sure you can - I just feel you are expecting too much of your readers with this one.

Good luck

H

[Jerrybaldy]

I despair. But I probably shouldn't.

[Patrick_Bateman]

Thanks.

Well you guys suck :/

[hillwalker]

That's as maybe - but you posted this 'poem' expecting a critique and got the truth, as unpalatable as that may seem. Perhaps if you were to try reading poetry you might well discover how wide of the mark your effort falls.

H

[Patrick_Bateman]

That's as maybe - but you posted this 'poem' expecting a critique and got the truth, as unpalatable as that may seem. Perhaps if you were to try reading poetry you might well discover how wide of the mark your effort falls.

H

The only thing that annoys me is that you said you don't like flowery language and cliches

therefore the poem is trash.

I don't like Jack Black but High Fidelity is still a great film.

[hillwalker]

I didn't say the poem was 'trash' - I said most readers would fail to make head or tail of all the metaphors you inserted - and the flowery language does not make it any easier to read.

And you insisted the flowery language was essential for the poem to make sense - I don't see how. You even say the title makes sense - how?

Perhaps I'm missing something, but my comments were a genuine attempt to point out the flaws in the poem.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thanks.

Well you guys suck :/

I assume that you are fairly young and you have professed that you're fairly new to writing poetry. For the sake of your future relationship with your readers, I recommend that you choose between the following attitudes:

1) Your readers will always suck because none of them will ever get all that you intended by this or that poem nor how hard you worked it it; or

2) Your readers NEVER suck because the majority of them will approach any one of your poems with the best that is in them, hoping that the poem succeeds in whatever it set out to do; because the success of the poem will constitute their reward as readers.

As for the poem in question here, I think it suffers from one of the most widely-held assumptions about poetry: that the more obscure it is, the more profound or original it must be.