An Eclipse of Ice

[misterreplicant]

I watch from my warm domain,
Thousands of falling, icy grain.
Covering the ground with pure white,
For when I looked, caused pain to my sight.

I walk into the gusting flakes,
Into the hills of white it makes.
Covering my eyes for protection
From the sky's freezing ejection.

I feel the cold, grow in my bone
Bonding with my body, as if my own.
I shiver while I walk across,
The slippery road of gloss.

After a while, I return indoor,
Like men retreating from a war.
I shake the mess of snow, from my feet,
Hoping never again to meet.

The snow outside, as it builds and build,
Causes men in it to yield
From it's heavy overhead strafe.
I wish you all, to stay very safe.

[hillwalker]

Unfortunately, concentrating on rhyme has resulted in most of the verses making next to no sense.

There's not much more I can say than that - a case of the tail wagging the dog.

H

[everyadventure]

Bless you, Hillwalker, for going first.

I'm doling out challenges right and left today, keeping all the LitNetters on their toes. Here's one for you, my friend: try rewriting this without a single rhyme. Yep, a non-rhyming poem! There are definitely some words worth keeping: "grain" is an original one, "bonding" was a good choice.

Rhyme, in this case, is holding you back, and is an impediment to the mood of the poem. What do you say, will you give it a try? We'd all love to see what you come up with!

Thanks for sharing :)

[Sionn Harrow]

Just tweaking a few of the words might help-- like "icy grains" instead of "icy grain," or "return indoors," instead of "return indoors."

Like everyadventure and hillwalker said, rhyme is holding you back. this has the potential to be a good poem, if you take their advice into consideration.