Breakfast

[AlfredtheGreat]

** * * * *My morning cup of tea is bitter and steeped in regret. The silverware to the right of my plate remind me of some bountiful shiny prize that I have failed to win. Breakfast is served on a white plate that is chipped and cracked down the middle. On it are two two eggs, sunny-side up, and a couple strips of bacon smiling back at me. My eyes close from tiredness. They reopen and it seems as though the bacon and egg face is laughing at me. I sit and stare at it for awhile. The sound of the laugh grates my ears. I decide that I've had enough. I pick up my fork and gouge at the two yellow eyes that had been judging me this whole morning. The yolk runs and the face is gone. And the rest of my breakfast goes peacefully.*

[Jack of Hearts]

My morning cup of tea is bitter and steeped in regret.

Not a big fan of this line.


... the bacon and egg face is laughing at me.

This is interesting.

And these two critiques represent how this author feels about this short, short piece. At intervals you take a step forward and perhaps one and a half back. There's stuff in there to be salvaged but a clever edit is in order (based on what this reader has seen of yours, you know what you should do and how to do it).



J

[hillwalker]

It's extremely light-weight - I wonder what you were expecting your readers to gain from reading it.

The first two sentences do it no favours - if you're aiming to create some sense of despair then there has to be a better way than this.

It did pick up slightly when the egg and bacon fastened their grin on you - but then collapsed into banality once your eyes close from tiredness..... and failed to recover.
No pace, no tension, no originality.

As the start of something deeper or more revealing this might be repairable, but as it stands it's a mediocre blog entry with nothing new to say.

H

[everyadventure]

Ouch! A bit harsh, fellas! I actually liked the first line!

The first thought I had was that this was the morning after a one-night stand (then again, my mind could just be trudging along in the gutter). It seemed a little over the top that this plate was in such ill repair... I know you're trying to set a mood here, but...

Can you keep going with this? Show us a reason for this despair?

[MatthewFarlow]

I thought that all the asterisks at the beginning were covering up for swears. Interesting way to start, I thought.

I enjoyed it though. A very powerful breakfast.

[AlfredtheGreat]

Thanks, the asterisks happen when you post from a mobile DVD for some reason. And thanks, I knew they were weak metaphors but not terrible.

[AlfredtheGreat]

*device