Hunter

[Hawkman]

The peregrine returned my stare
and sat untroubled on a branch.
The lightly speckled breast
glowed white in winter light,
while slate grey back and wings
merged with rock.

He didn’t speak
but as he turned his head
his sooty, tear-streaked cheeks
belied his mood.
His head bobbed,
once, twice, then on the wing
he soared, and pumped the air
to rise and fly with purpose at the sun.

Supreme in arrogance, the sky is his.

[Delta40]

I love your poems about birds Hawk. They make me long to be in the Mother country. I feel the chill air pockets between every line

[everyadventure]

You have a good sense of rhythm, I like your sparse use of rhyme. Thanks for sharing!

[Jerrybaldy]

I'm not much of a twitcher, Hawk, but I appreciate the skill in your poem and your own love of our feathered friends shines through this.

[hillwalker]

A wonderfully descriptive piece, Hawk. I can picture it now.

My only quibbles (and there has to be one at least) would be

the last line of v1 - is a syllable short of maintaining the stanza's perfect meter - 'merging with rock' or 'merged with the rock' maybe.....?

and

line 3 v2 seems to have one unstressed syllable too many 'not yet' and so seems out of place for the same reason - though in this instance it can be skipped over.

Great writing nonetheless - some of the internal rhymes are brilliant.

H

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta, Yesterday was a beautiful day for a walk in the woods, but it was hellish cold, much like today. These particular woods have an old quarry which regularly serves as breeding site for peregrines, so I wandered by to check it out. It's early in the season yet, but the tiercel was there and worthy of a poem. Thanks for reading and enjoying!

Hello everyadventure. Thanks for reading and enjoying.

JB, Hi. Funny, I never really though of myself as a bird watcher. Then I looked at the stack of tapes on my shelf; all owls, kestrels, buzzards, peregrines, etc. etc. Not forgetting kingfishers, of course. I guess I've become a twitcher without realising it! Glad you enjoyed the poem.

hill, Thanks for reading. I originally wrote, "...with the rock." but removed it. The break in rhythm is deliberate and makes the line punchier. The line which I'm most twitchy about is: "and quietly put over his crop." It's a bit too technical, doesn't scan well and foreshadows the line about his not speaking. I think the entire line could be dropped with no ill effects to the poem. I'm still debating it. Anyway, thanks for liking it.

Best wishes to you all. Live long and prosper - H

[blank|verse]

This one promised be a dramatic poem, Hawk - it's entitled 'Hunter', it's subject is one of, if not the fastest birds in the world... but the only 'hunting' in evidence seems to be house-hunting. It's a very domesticated bird of prey.

I think the poem suffers from being overly-literal. I imagine this to be exactly what you saw, but it makes for a poem lacking in interest. The narrator looks at a bird, describes it and its nest, describes it some more and describes it taking off. Where's the visceral rush of the bird plummeting through the sky? The blood and gore of the kill?

The poem begins well - the image of the bird returning your stare creates a nice tension between man and beast; but then the second line goes against this. The phrase 'without a care' is very weak – it's a cliché; the internal rhyme with 'stare' makes it too jolly; it introduces anthropomorphism; and it ruins the tension of the first line.

The 'tear-streaked cheeks' image is more original; usually peregrines are described as 'hooded' or similar, but unfortunately the image seems a bit out of place, as the poem acknowledges.

I think 'Eostre's Hares' was more successful as it was more evocative and atmospheric. On the whole I think it is difficult to write poems about animals, but anthropomorphism is one to be careful with, or avoid, if possible. Have you read much Ted Hughes, or Seamus Heaney, who both have poems with animal subjects?

[Hawkman]

Hi B/V and thanks for your thoughts. Actually I rather like the comment about House-Hunting :D But the thing about top predators is that they don't actually do a lot of hunting. Once a day - unless they are feeding chicks. Most of their time is spent sitting around or patrolling territory. (I once saw a peregrine stooping at a Golden Eagle which was cruising through its territory.) Even hitmen only work some of the time - lol. Anyway, I feel I've already covered the hunting in "Yarak". Don't want to be same-ol, same-ol... This is a poem intended to describe a different aspect of the bird's life.

Personally I don't think it's that bad a poem, though I have some reservations about it, and you make a valid point about the internal ryhme, but I would hesitate to acknowledge anthropomorphism in the piece. As for describing a flacon as "hooded" - I don't think any flaconer would describe a wild bird this way as hooded means something completely different.

I'm not too keen on Hughes but I like Seamus Heaney, though my familiarity with both is sadly limited to a few poems in some (not too recent) anthologies.

Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.

Live long and prosper - H

[Alexander III]

I really like this poem, one of the favorite I have read on the personally poetry sections. The lyricism of the first stanza is very fine indeed.

I also like that when reading this, one does understand the tightness of this piece - as in every word is succinctly selected and on the whole this immediately appears to be a well planned and crafted poem. Bravo!

To be honest, while the third and first stanza are amazing, I question the middle one. It does not seem to add to the piece and it lacks the beauty which the other two posses. Maybe the poem would benefit without the middle stanza, I don't know maybe.

[everyadventure]

(Can someone point me to a poem that blankverse actually liked? Hee hee)

[blank|verse]

Hawk - Thanks for the reply. Yeah, maybe 'anthropomorphism' is going too far; 'pathetic fallacy' is perhaps closer to the mark. Either way, that sense of projecting human emotions onto the bird is definitely what's happening in the second line, and, as I said, is one of the reasons I feel makes that line weak.

And of course, you can choose what you like for the subject of the poem, and maybe the 'hunting / killing' angle is the obvious one. I just think that without much action, a poem needs to compensate in other ways - perhaps through brilliant figurative images instead.

(And I thought 'hooded' was the stock description, but a quick check reveals 'moustachioed' is preferred! I know what you're saying about real hoods used on falcons; I must have picked up the phrase from my old 'I-Spy' book!)

ea - Here's a poem I liked a lot (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=59014). (Although I seem to have liked it for the wrong reason, people told me, which I still find baffling but there we go.)

And you're forgetting I liked your own 'Marbles' (so to speak!).

I think if people have taken the time to write and post their poems, the least I can do is take the time to analyse them properly. With some people who have posted regularly, I can judge their latest poem against previous ones as another means of evaluating it.

And as someone says, I don't consider platitudes to be a particularly useful means of constructive criticism. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

The one comment I would like to make (other than many bravos) is to say surely the last line should be separated by a blank line from that final stanza? It is so much further separated from neutral, descriptive observation of the bird, such a bold judgment, that I think it deserves to be signaled as such.

[Hawkman]

B/V. A3 & Prince. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I hear what you're saying about that line b/v and I'll give it some thought. By the way, to falconers, at least game hawkers, hooded crows are "hoodies" :)

A3, your observation is spot on and I'll adopt it. Same with yours Prince.

ae, ;)

Thank you all again for reading and commenting. Live and be well, H

[qimissung]

This is a truly beautiful poem, Hawkman. I could just see it. Also, I don't think there is anything wrong with anthropomorphism. I'm not advocating it, but it can be used, I think, to make a point.

I really don't like to tell you how to write your stuff, but I would dispense with the last line entirely. You have already said it throughout this lovely homage.

[Hawkman]

Hi qim. I'ts always pleasing to know that you like something I've written. As for the anthropomorphism thing - well, firstly I don't buy it. To me the sin of the word I can't be bothered to write again, only really occurs should one imagine conversations with a beast or imbue it with distinctly human characteristics or thought processes. Animals are quite capable of emotional responses of their own. An angry animal is an angry animal, whatever the reason, and likewise, a relaxed one is a relaxed one. I think it's quite acceptable to use the A word for comic effect though.

As for whether the last line is necessary or not I hope you'll forgive me for sticking with it on this occasion. I feel it closes the poem nicely, and truly describes the image I observed in close up through my binoculars. Peregrines are at the top of the food chain and radiate an aura of supremacy, besides, with a face that shape they can't help looking down their noses at us, especially when they do so from a great height!

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting. Live and be well - H