First Poem: Marbles

[everyadventure]

You speak, I hold your words in my hand:
weighty marbles,
polished smooth,
clattering brightly.
They slip through my fingers
and roll away.

It's likely
that someday
months from now
I'll spy one under the sofa.
I'll reach for it, hold it to the light,
admire its singular roundness,
perfect form and color,
and tuck it in my pocket.

Throughout the day,
your word will press against me,
incessantly
relentlessly
repeating.

[blank|verse]

Very nice, EA – a simple conceit that works very effectively, the 'marbles' are open to the reader to interpret metaphorically.

I like the idea of the marbles speaking, and holding their 'clattering' words in your hand; it's an original image, and perhaps the poem could have more similarly inventive figurative touches.

Maybe it could also be tighter – could you rephrase the cliché in the first stanza ('slip through my fingers')? Do you need the first two lines in the second stanza? Or even the last three lines of the poem? Would keeping things in the present tense work, so the action described in stanzas 2 and 3 happen now – 'your words press against me'?

There's a slight issue in that you start by addressing the marbles directly, in second-person ('you') and shift to third-person ('they') then back to second at the end; but for me I don't think that's a major problem.

I'd also say it's good to consider how the form of a poem can match content, particularly when the content is 'marbles', here described as having a 'singular roundness, | perfect form and color'. Maybe this is something that could be effectively reflected in the form of the poem? If you'll forgive me, I had a go at reworking your poem to show you what I mean. (I also think rhyme would be particularly effective here, if handled well. Maybe in another poem!)

Overall, I think it's a successful first post, and I look forward to reading more of your poems. :)


Marbles

You speak.
I hold your words in my hand,
weighty marbles,

polished smooth, clattering brightly.
They slip through my fingers
and roll away.

Months later, I reach for one under the sofa,
and hold it to the light to admire its
singular roundness, perfect form and color.

I tuck it in my pocket,
where throughout the day,
your words press incessantly against me.

[PrinceMyshkin]

You use that metaphor so well, and the last three references to it leave us (as it presumably does the speaker) in a state of puzzlement as to what those marbles/words really stand for.

[hillwalker]

Rather like a stone inside a shoe or a marble lodged in the corner of a pocket I actually think the last three lines work quite well to complete the metaphor - a marvellous poem

H

[Delta40]

Very nice. I wonder if there is dust and fluff on the marble you find under the sofa?

[everyadventure]

Thank you, thank you, for all the thoughtful feedback. I sincerely appreciate the time you took and the helpful advice-- especially from you, blank|verse! You're absolutely right, tighter is better, and all of your tips were right on. I'll give it a round II.

So lovely to have found this place...