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paperastronaut
01-24-2011, 08:42 PM
Once upon a time a blind poet composed a rhyme

He asked the gods to find him and of a future remind him

With new powers in his pocket he shut his door an locked it

And upon his electronic instrument he pushed the keys to implement

The gifts the gods had given him to tell the future according to them

Dark tales and lines streamed forth and the poet’s room began to morph

Turning to stone his carpet covered floor and to gaping hole his wooden door

Smells and sounds surrounded him and a small child counted ten

Ready or not here I come but the morphosing room had just begun

A book-cased wall grew ever tall until at last it began to fall

It tore the house in two exposing mid-winters sky cold and blue

The ruined house lay in a stony heap around the trembling prophet’s feet

Onward forth the prophet wrote until at long last the house was smote

From the buildings bones a dirty city grew and through it robotic horses flew

All the children in the street ran and hid their grimy feet

When the child’s counting ceased one metal horse returned to feast

Then all the children’s fearful eyes turned skyward looking for that thing that flies

Then from ‘round a corner came the horse like bane with its hideous electric mane

Head pointed towards the running child the animals eyes grew wild

And as the child stumbling fell the horse dove down a life to quell

At this point the poets writing stopped for he’d never hoped so much for writers block

To the gods his prayers beseeched let the visions stop or my life be leached

Of destiny one voice replied it spoke of a future not to be denied

The choice is yours to remove the vision it can only be your decision

The gift of sight we gave to you; choose to take it or refuse

At this the poet said “my earthly vision has been blurred who am I to change what has occurred

If deity chooses this gift to give what can I do but accept and live”

As said before the giving has been done either way the future has begun

“So what to do then of the future write so in the future we can better fight!

For if a child’s life be spared its worth my mind being beyond repair”

So the prophet returned without a pause to writing and of future salvation cause

And with an awful bang the dirty city recame and at the feat of a heaving hero a metal horse lay slain

Glancing from fallen horse the child’s eyes grew wider when he realized he’d been saved by the epic jungle fighter

With life and hand extended the child thanked the fighter then running through the street he joined the other blighters

When the poet saw the child saved he thanked both gods and fighter because now the future seemed far brighter

But the wild warrior knew much better for he never read his mail until he held a letter

And as of yet only one horse lay killed the rest have yet to be forever stilled

The fighter’s hammer was covered red for with it he had crushed the mighty horses’ head

Now with robotic horse slain all the remained was to return to the forest and his safety gain

So through dilapidated buildings he walked; under cover of twisted wire so as not to be stalked

From the heart of the ruined heap, through the woods, and to his jungle keep

While walking through the city not a shadow even stirred but he longed for the woods where the jungle cats purred

For his mother raised him in the trees and his father taught him the jungle ways while we was shorter than his knees

The woods had ever been his home and the awful city always caused a bitter groan

But finally he made it to the cities edge across the barrier he’d dash as if jumping from a ledge

As he leapt from his cover he heard one bullet then another

With heart and legs running first he dove then he leapt because for him they were gunning

He seemed to be untouchable not a bullet could ever reach him nor of their pain teach him

One last moment in the open, then a bound to a tree leaving nothing in the sights of the robotic sentry

His mind was filled with violence but surrounding him was peaceful silence

Through the woods he walked while above him the jungle bids squawked

Lonely jungle dogs growled and hungry jungle cats prowled

But the jungle was fighter’s home and through it he loved to roam

And here in the jungle he had some support they were known as the jungle cohort

These were men strong of arm who gave to lives to cause all electric beast ample harm

They were lively men of the wood similar to the ancient Robin of Hood

When and where to strike was never a mystery for they were guided by some book full of future history

Yes your conclusions are most likely true they get their guidance directly from you

Even though it might seem astounding it’s all very real for every word is resounding

These dark men of the wood have been guided not chance but by you for with them you have sided

The prophet sat back in his chair, the room rebuilt itself but he felt like he’d entered some madman’s lair

This is the end of my life, he thought, everything I’ve done before this day has been for naught






Thanks for reading! This is my first attempt at any sort of poetry... so feel free to give me any contructive criticism... regular criticism works too ;) I'll appreciate any advice you can give me... if you think its total crap let me know.

p.s. i read a lot of homer last semester so that might explain a few things... this is supposed to be the first section of 12

hillwalker
01-25-2011, 07:48 AM
First section of 12 - your ambition is creditworthy.

However, I doubt I shall be bothering to plough through it as this first section was difficult enough to get to grips with.
I found the rhyming scheme tiresome after a while - every line struggling to maintain a constant internal and end rhyme can make a piece sound a little like a nursery rhyme. And some of the forced rhymes are indigestible -

And upon his electronic instrument he pushed the keys to implement

and

Even though it might seem astounding it’s all very real for every word is resounding

for example are pretty bad. The metre or rhythm is spasmodic at best and often falls apart - and overall this reads so clumsily because you are twisting normal language and expression in order for everything to fit the pattern you have chosen to write in.

Perhaps you should give the Simpsons a rest and read some real poetry - and try to write more clearly and naturally. Surely you don't speak the same way you express yourself here. If you have to sacrifiice the rhyme I don't think anyone would mind - better no rhyme than awkward rhyme like this.

good luck

H

paperastronaut
01-25-2011, 12:26 PM
okay, thats just what i needed to hear. i guess i tried to hard to imulate (or what i thought was imulation) homers writing... although this definitely wasn't written to be easily read, if it doesnt flow well then it goes against the basic premis of poetry... and thats not cool :)

i appreciate the feedback!