Adrift

[hillwalker]

ADRIFT

Adrift in the sloppy outwash
from another cocktail bar.

In the glossy air
the grey detritus of the past
suspended in this moment.

The lifebelt of the future
floats forever out of reach,
while undercurrents of redemption
tempt me stretch for it
but tilting deck
throws aim wide of the mark.

Each round becomes a tightening noose;
I’m drowning in slow motion,
holding tight this glass
for kiss of life from lips imprinted on its rim.

Behind the helm the ghastly sparkle;
amber spectre of St Elmo’s fire;
each neon gem a shimmer,
blow flies feeding on a bloating corpse.

I fight the undertow
of spiral chatter;
words to drag me under,
waterlogged with falsehood,
flattery and fallacy.

Marooned inside a world hung-over,
Crusoe cruciform upon a sinking raft,
I haul myself towards the bone dry reef of morning,
take fresh bearings:

Shipwrecked now inside a bottle.

H

[MANICHAEAN]

Dean Martin would have loved it!
Best regards
M.

[Hawkman]

Hi hill, this is a strong poem with great imagery but I would query:

"while undercurrents of redemption
tempt me stretch for it"

which doesn't read well. Tempt me stretch - hmm. to add the necessary 'to' would disrupt the metre, so I suggest, "tempt my stretch for it."

The only other quibble I have with this poem is:

"blow flies feeding on a bloating corpse."

This grizzly image feels out of place to me. almost as if it was included to shock and expose the poet's soul, to give added depth. Personally, in context, I feel it's a step too far.

I particularly liked:

"I’m drowning in slow motion,
holding tight this glass
for kiss of life from lips imprinted on its rim."

but I would suggest changing for to the as it might work better, but it's just a suggestion.

This is brilliant:

"Marooned inside a world hung-over,
Crusoe cruciform upon a sinking raft,
I haul myself towards the bone dry reef of morning,"

Definately one to add to the archive I'd say. Great read.

Best, H

[Delta40]

I like the the last line as a culmination of sea sick turbulent journeys at bars and the subsequent hangover. a vessel in a vessel. Great writing Hill.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Like Hawkman I was put off at first by "tempt me stretch for it" but came to feel that the missing "to" was indicative of the effects of drink beginning to take hold as there is further evidence of tipsy syntax in some of what follows.

Your language, as ever, seems to have more heft to it than that of virtually anyone else I know.

[hillwalker]

Thanks, @Mani - he probably would, but he might have struggled to read it out loud :-)

@Hawk - I take your point(s) but having wrestled with my conscience regarding the rather short-cut diction I'm happy with it the way it is - as you say, it maintains the metrical beat and the missing conjunctions are implied without need to ponder over changing what virtually came off the wire the way I wrote it.
And the blowflies - 'twas not my intention to shock - merely a comparison between the buzz and vision impairments resulting from intoxication and the damage done to one's body.

@Delta - thanks for enjoying the closing line - the idea for the poem arose from the idea of a ship in a bottle > a ship wreck in a bottle > and 'the bottle' as term for alcohol.

@Prince - thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the 'tipsy syntax' and for your kind comments.

H

[Bar22do]

It was a great read indeed, hill, with occasional rhythm's irregularities, probably intentional to fit the theme. S4 plus last are the vintage of your poem, truly great poetry. Thanks hill, Bar

[Lumiere]

"The lifebelt of the future" & "the bone dry reef of morning" have great resonance for me, (though I don't even drink - but this poem is about much more, I'm sure, and true and rich enough to be inclusive . . . )
A really fine thing you've written; thanks for writing it.

[blank|verse]

This one's as choppy as the Irish Sea, hill!

I like the opening stanza, which has an Eliot-like ring to it; the phrase 'sloppy outwash' conjuring a stumbling group of friends spilling out of a bar, the music and smoke....

The repetition of the phrase 'in the', which has just been used in stanza 1, is a bit clumsy, and the stanza shifts the reader away from the action to abstractions.

The construction 'the [concrete noun] of the [abstract noun]' is over-used. I can accept 'grey detritus of the past' but I think I did actually wince when I read 'the lifebelt of the future'. It's a particularly weak phrase and you've stretched the extended metaphor beyond breaking point here. It's followed with 'undercurrents of redemption', which again is weak and abstract.

I would advise deleting stanzas 2 and 3; thereafter things pick up, and I agree with what Hawk said are the strengths and shortcomings of this section.

But then, as the opening image places the reader outside the bar, the sudden 'Each round', which jarred anyway, becomes more of a problem. And I'm not convinced by the defence that this imitates the mind of a drunk.

Probably the main issue is that with such constant punning it comes off as tongue-in-cheek. The narrator could have a real issue with alcoholism, or at least seeking solace through drink – there is desperation in the poem – but it's washed away by the constant maritime references, which have the effect of winking knowingly at the reader instead of providing real emotion.

Still, there are some imaginative moments in this, but as it stands, I just feel it's a bit over-egged. b|v

[hillwalker]

@Lumiere and @Bar - thanks for the feedback and your kind comments. Although I'm partial to the occasional drink this was written more fom observation than personal experience.

@b|v - over-egged. Well, possibly I've spun out the sea-faring metaphor rather too far. The blame lies with that final line whence the idea for the entire piece stemmed.
I think you may have become sidetracked by the choreography since all the 'action' in the first 6 verses remains inside the bar (although I admit that 'outwash' could as easily apply to 'chucking out time').
And tongue-in-cheek? Not intentional, more a case of an attempt at illustrating the alcoholic's denial of his ailment.
But your input is valued as ever and has been taken on board (oops - these nautical puns keep sneaking up on me).

H

[Haunted]

So many awesome metaphors, all building up to the last line, "Shipwrecked now inside a bottle." What a clever twist of an familiar image. This is a great poem, Hill.

[hillwalker]

Thanks so much @Haunted - you are too kind.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

'Each round becomes a tightening noose' was my highlight, Hill, its one of those ' bugger I wish I had thought of that' lines and is one of many culmlinating in the close.

I'll have a Dubonnet.

Cheers
Jerry

[hillwalker]

"Aah, Dubonnet" - or should that be "argh"? (I'm asssuming you recall the ad).
Thanks @Jerry - always a pleasure to hear from you and receive your generous feedback.

H