The Rain

[Zeniyama]

I wrote this one night before bed.

---

Put your scarf on. Go outside. Look at the rain--rain: sweet cloud-dew. Scarf over face. Outside. Out, under a cloud. Big cloud. Rain from gray ceiling. Rumbles far away. Small flashes. Hand to face. Pull down scarf. Sniff rainy wet cloud-dew air. Sweet. Sweet. Savour it. Scarf back up. Take a few steps. Feel wet springy grass under boot under foot. Soft, warm socks. A May morning. Sweet early cloud-dew morning. Rumble in distance. A tear in the eye. Or a drop of rain? Feeling in heart. Heart in chest under coat. Soft coat. Itchy--wool. Yet soft--warm. Stand for awhile. Then, turning, back into house. Home. Warm fire. Sleep. Nice sleeping day. Rainy May morning.

[bortleman]

I like the imagery. The way you associated the personal feelings about each particular article in the sentence worked well. However, I think the only time the transfer between images flowed well was "foot. Soft warm socks." It is a natural transition that is easy for the reader because when you picture feet, socks and boots follow, you might want to consider editing some of the other transitions to help the flow a little.

Also the short brief statements are hard working against the flow. It kind of feels like a stutter step the whole time. Good imagery though.

[Jack of Hearts]

This is to be commended for its experimentation. It's interesting in its use of language and features some elegant content.

It lacks a degree of smoothness at parts. Maybe you don't feel so, or at least got what you wanted from the effect... hard to say. Such fragmented grammar can be beautiful but often needs to be played with for extended periods of time to get the flow just right.

All that aside, works like this that challenge language and have such focus on a given subject matter ought to be encouraged.




J

[BeagScribhneoir]

Excellent imagery! :D And a great use of the instantaneous present to tell a whole story, also a very unconventional use of the instantaneous present as it is most commonly used in the form of/with onomatopoeia in action scenes, e.g. "CRASH! His sword collided with my shield..." or something like that :) Plus I like the roughness and lack of a smooth flow that bortleman and Jack of Hearts commented on because I personally think it works to the story's favour when considering the subject matter. It's rough like the storm :) I really liked it!

[hillwalker]

A downpour of images and sensations. There's some room for improvement, without altering the style if you found it appropriate, since it does work well. The flow could be smoother in places.

I just wonder why we needed to be told under what circumstances it was written?

H

[Zeniyama]

Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I kind of liked how my story's a bit disjointed, but I do agree that a bit of smoothing out could definitely help it.

As for the circumstances under which it was written, I don't know why I included that. From the first work I posted on this forum, I've just felt a strange compulsion to add a little note about the text before each of my works.

[hillwalker]

I've just felt a strange compulsion to add a little note about the text before each of my works.

Grr! :mad:

Don't - it generally ruins the impact of the piece itself and often suggests that you are not particularly serious about what you have written. Let the reader judge your writing on the merits of the piece itself.

Best regards

H

[BeagScribhneoir]

Grr! :mad:

Don't - it generally ruins the impact of the piece itself and often suggests that you are not particularly serious about what you have written. Let the reader judge your writing on the merits of the piece itself.

Best regards

H

This is not the impression I got from the circumstantial information given, to me it shows that Zeniyama has a keen interest and passion for writing and will write whenever a thought comes to mind, no matter when or where that may be.

In my opinion, as long as there is the imagination, passion and writing equipment present, it shouldn't matter where, how or when texts were formed. And to know such information will not affect my view on the text. :)

I'm not being negatively argumentative, just merely expressing an opposing opinion :)

[hillwalker]

I'm not being negatively argumentative, just merely expressing an opposing opinion :)

You are right - it's a personal matter, and one I find tiresome rather than enlightening. We all have a passion for writing - that's why we come onto this forum - and often put pen to paper when the urge takes us. To have the writer explain how, why and when the poem or story was written even before we get to the piece itself is distracting. It's much more interesting to discover the creative process that went into into its completion after we have had an opportunity to read, absorb and pass unbiased comment.

H :cool:

[BeagScribhneoir]

You are right - it's a personal matter, and one I find tiresome rather than enlightening. We all have a passion for writing - that's why we come onto this forum - and often put pen to paper when the urge takes us. To have the writer explain how, why and when the poem or story was written even before we get to the piece itself is distracting. It's much more interesting to discover the creative process that went into into its completion after we have had an opportunity to read, absorb and pass unbiased comment.

H :cool:

Fair enough :) like you said it's a personal matter, each to their own :)