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MANICHAEAN
01-22-2011, 03:02 AM
LOST SOUL IN PARIS.

It was at the Hotel de l’Horlorge,
That an Englishman, aptly named “George,”
Was seated at three,
Drinking afternoon tea,
Oblivious to all those around.

He had concerns for his soul,
Unperceived life’s future role,
And pondered on how to be free.

For whatever the cadence,
With dreams in abeyance,
He considered he could not go on,
Then be rather dead,
Take a shot to the head,
Than suffer to just look upon.

In the stick that was life,
Where perils were rife,
Joy was never much more than a gambit,
The staff’s head you might sit,
But if fate was ill-fit,
More on the shod iron of the crampet.

No taciturn Scot of fixed hard outlook,
Or Welshman who dreamt of the valleys,
But Albion’s own chose to move his own rook,
His spirit to stiffen and rally.

Outside was all gay,
On that bright Paris day,
And down on the Faubourg St Germain,
The lovers held hands,
And gendarmes made plans,
Of how to make sure crime did not pay.

In the Elysee, the same,
Sarcozy he came,
To attend to l’affairs de La France,
And in Brittany fair,
They breathed in the air,
Brought over that sea called “La Manche.”

But back to our tale,
Of this man they called “George”,
Afraid of losing his soul,
What must he retain?
And more important, “sustain?”
To ensure he kept his life whole?

So the senses he listed,
And considered them each,
The practical, and even those sensual,
Deficiencies none,
The full total sum.
That to man was considered essential.

And food was the first,
With drink also thrown in,
For his brain was outliving his liver,
Other organs were dead,
Except for his head,
Where his thinking continued for ever,

He thought of James Boswell
His tastes were discerning,
For rabbit washed down with good porter.

Ortolans he scorned,
Burgundy, never mourned,
For dining would he brook no mean quarter.

No sin of servility,
But repose in tranquillity,
Flesh of whelps he consumed to his full,
And fresh quail & soft sparrow,
Gnawed down to the marrow,
Till his belly was pleasantly full.

Soul, go not to the North where the gales lash the coast,
Go not to the valley Sunrise,
Nor to where the sun sets, and existence’s a bet,
Or the south of indulgent surprise.

Return to the city of which you were born,
Of surroundings familiar and fair,
Work and desire till sorrow forgets,
And quietly you sleep in your chair.

The writer has power to pull you all through,
The past he is always conveying,
Through dark labyrinths,
Of caverns of thought,
Or is he just with your mind playing?

Operations in life are sometimes performed,
And sometimes without anaesthetic,
But reality’s face is also adverse,
To those that choose not to gainsay it.

One’s love of old friends grows deeper as fewer,
And idle talk, no longer discerning,
Whenever we meet the soul has returned,
It’s being on fire and burning.

And George on this day, he felt his cheeks glow,
The blood it danced through his limbs,
“Stay with me my Soul and share of the days,
That Providence, trust me, will bring.”

blank|verse
01-25-2011, 01:00 PM
If nothing else, I think this one deserves a bit more attention than it has so far garnered because of the time and effort that must have gone into its writing.

Some of the rhymes are, quite frankly, terrible (starting with the one in the first two lines!) and the first stanza is written like a limerick - both of which would be acceptable for a comic piece, but as I take it this one isn't (and to honest, I've still not read it all the way through, apologies!) it seems wholly incongruous to the subject matter. It is a good example of how important it is to match form and content.

Still, there is clearly intelligence here and narrative skill, it's just a case of finding a more appropriate way to express that, I feel. b|v

PrinceMyshkin
01-25-2011, 01:32 PM
I couldn't find the thread that I assumed must run through this nor could I come to terms with the character of the voice, which seemed to conceive of poetry as something alien to spoken English and which could be bent any which way at times to make a rhyme or pseudo rhyme.

hillwalker
01-25-2011, 02:13 PM
Wow - well, I did manage to read through this and at first assumed the 'limerickish' style was intended to convey humour (albeit rather cerebral and self-indulgent). But that assumption was replaced by nausea brought on by the cumbersome phraseology, clumsy meter and intermittent rhyme (either dreadful or absent).

You have obviously put a great deal of effort into this but I wonder whether you had the energy left to read through it again afterwards. If so you might have reconsidered changing many of the verses such as this one:

The writer has power to pull you all through,
The past he is always conveying,
Through dark labyrinths,
Of caverns of thought,
Or is he just with your mind playing?

where to sustain any rhythm we are tempted to pronounce 'labyrinths' with the stress on the 3rd syllable before the rhythm is abandoned altogether in L4 - and accept the final line as normal syntax when of course it absolutely is not.

There is no doubt about your prowess as an accomplished writer - but this needs a major rewrite to make it palatable, and preferably a reduction to more manageable proportions.

H

MANICHAEAN
01-26-2011, 04:10 AM
Dear blank verse, Prince & H
Taken on the chin. It is a nonsense, and was just something I tried, having never written "poetry" before. In fact I have had no formal education on this aspect of composition. I would not know an alexanderine from an LP of Des O'Conners Best Loved Songs!
Thus my dear Lit Netters, I would really appreciate from you whatever you can give me regards the bare bones of a poem's structure & anything else you might recommend. Might as well start with the basics, before I enter this arena again.
Best regards
M.

hillwalker
01-26-2011, 06:09 AM
In fact I have had no formal education on this aspect of composition. I would not know an alexanderine from an LP of Des O'Conners Best Loved Songs!

In that case I'm guessing the problem is that you are 'trying' to write "poetry" - and have this quaint idea that it's supposed to rhyme and have a strict meter. That ain't necessarily so.

My advice would to be to scribble down a few ideas, try to string them together if they fit - a few phrases that sound vaguely lyrical - and try to instill a flow from one to the next. Don't try and tell a story or fill in all the blanks. The reader will do that for you.

Perhaps a starting point could be a reworking of this couplet

Operations in life are sometimes performed,
And sometimes without anaesthetic,

Obviously one of the 'sometimes' needs excising, but since you're no longer tethered to strict form you can dispense with the jaunty rhythm completely - it doesn't really fit the context anyway - and explore the theme behind the statement.

It's a shame George has to be put out of his misery but I'm thinking he was a false friend anyway. Thanks for the dignified response :-) and don't give up

H

Emil Miller
01-26-2011, 10:12 AM
Doggerel has long been part of the poetry scene and, I suspect, will continue to be so. This a piece I wrote for a former acquaintance of mine who was a one time empire builder and also an amusing character who, after several adventures in Africa, came to rest in the nondescript district of Gypsy Hill in London.


Give 'em Hell Liddel

The whitest man I ever knew was give 'em hell Liddel
A nom de guerre appropriate to those who knew him well
Our enemies on hearing it would stand with mouths agape
And tremble at that name renowned from Cairo to the Cape
The Kalahari Bedouin and dark Senegalese
Would gaze in wide-eyed wonder at the pinkness of his knees
And whisky-drinking Majors were sometimes heard to say
Britannia's rule was safe as long as Liddel chose to stay
But on shaded club verandas at the setting of the sun
The Majors never realised that Britannia's course was run
For in contemplating empires, it is only true to say
They carry, each within them, the seeds of their decay
As time went by the word went round that all was not quite well
And rumours strange were sometimes heard of give 'em hell Liddel
T'was said that he had lost his nerve while hunting in the bush
Then beaten all his bearers and given them the push
A story ran that in Sudan he got drunk in his room
Then went and wrote four letter words on General Gordon's tomb
His brother officers began to speak of him with fear
They heard that he'd gone native and was carrying a spear
And one told how while on a trek across the open veldt
He'd seen him wearing nothing but a grubby Sam Browne belt
The Governor General hearing this and fearful for the flag
Dashed off a quick report to go by diplomatic bag
The whole of the appalling tale was known within the hour
By those who spend their days within the corridors of power
'Bring Liddel home' the cry went out 'and save the nation's name'
Great men like these should never fall into the pit of shame
They took away his Sam Browne belt, for pinstripe was the norm
In England where they sent him in the hope of his reform
Alas the whole thing was in vain for him there seemed no hope
Some said that drink would get him and others said the rope
Those critics and the Empire have long since passed from sight
But sometimes in the season when the sun is at its height
A wild and unkempt figure dressed in faded khaki drill
Frequents that part of London that is known as Gypsy Hill
By strangers to the region he's identified with ease
Not by his old pith helmet but the pinkness of his knees
There is warning deep within this cautionary tale
For those of you whose knees are of a hue that's rather pale
So if distraught on kneecaps wan you sometimes tend to dwell
Then give a thought to what was done to give 'em hell Liddel
For should your knees be pink as his or even pinker still
You may be led by fate to tread the road to Gypsy Hill

hillwalker
01-26-2011, 10:24 AM
And that's how it's done - briilliant example of jaunty verse, easy on the ear, and where the rhythm stumbles slightly nobody gives a **** because it's all part of the fun.

H

MANICHAEAN
01-26-2011, 01:06 PM
Brian/Hill

This whole "**** up" on my part has been a great success in evoking such responses. Thank you both.

H. What you have outlined, I have never tried before & its given me both direction and an interest to try it out. (albeit in dark corners to begin with!).

Brian
Marvellous stuff. Now I see how it can be done.

Conclusion:

Taking refuge in Kipling which might be appropriate to future Gypsy Hill environs;

"He that asks no questions, don't get told no lies." (except in this case, the truth)
"Watch the wall my darlings while the gentlemen go by."

M.

Emil Miller
01-26-2011, 01:25 PM
Thanks H and M I'm glad you like it. In truth, it doesn't do the protagonist justice. He could have stepped straight out of an Evelyn Waugh novel.

Jerrybaldy
01-26-2011, 08:32 PM
My best advice would be to never try to write when you have any remote sense of contentment or wellbeing, rather wait until it all goes tits up. Eric clapton had years in a song writing desert, then his son jumped out a tower block window and hey presto ... Tears in heaven.
Jerry
Here to help.

MANICHAEAN
01-26-2011, 11:22 PM
Thanks Jerry. Appreciated.
It does not bode well for me now then, in writing poetry, as those long dark nights of the soul are in the past!
Take care.
M.