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bortleman
01-21-2011, 03:16 AM
The single working street light was the only illumination on the street at three in the morning. The pole was rusty and the electrical wires hung like intestines. This was a part of town where nothing got fixed in a timely manner. Plastic advertisements littered the street.

Cy could see the white tops of his vans kick in front of his vision. The hood of a zip-up jacket covered his head. There was a scuff to his walk as his hands gripped the inner fabric of his coat pocket. The brief lighted corner hurt his eyes as he traversed it. He had just spent a mile walking in complete darkness. If he had to, he would walk ten miles more, but he was only a block away from his objective. He was lucky that there wasn’t a strong police presence. If there was he would have surely been stopped.

Cars were rushing on the highway that crossed over the forgotten community. Cy couldn’t see them. He always walked with his head down. He couldn’t care less because there was only one thing on his mind. His body was hungry for a fix.

He rounded the corner to Jeff’s town house and almost skipped his way up the stone stairs. The door was sea green with deep gouges in the wood. The smell of trash was in-escapable and it made his stomach hurt. The temperature was below freezing. In all honesty, Cy felt miserable.

He banged on the door. “You’re just here to get what’s yours.” He told himself as a shiver slid down his back. Jeff answered the door with the hazy green light of the living room in the background.

“What’s up man? Come on in.” A cheshire cat grin spread across his face. “You’re just in time.”

Cy followed him to the sofa and fell back on it.

“Grab a controller bro, its all set up.” There was a wooden coffee table between them and the television. An Xbox controller sat opposing Cy.

“Actually man, I’m just here to pick up” said Cy. Jeff’s face contorted disapprovingly.

“Well, that’s gonna be hard.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I ain’t got any.” Jeff raised his hands and eyebrows almost as if he was saying “tough luck”.

“What the hell do you mean you don’t have any?” Cy exploded standing up. “What happened to ‘Oh yeah dude, don’t worry about it. I got you covered’ huh?”

“Sorry bro! I got more people than you to sell to. Plus he could afford to pay full price.” Cy was already pacing around his corner of space and ran his hands through his hair in angst.

“Well do you know where I can get any more?”

“Dude everyone is asleep, it’s hella early.”

“COME ON JEFF!” Cy took a couple deep breaths. He tried to calm his shaky hands. A couple deep breaths more and he was collected. “Ok ok ok ok, listen Jeff. I need a fix really bad. Could you at least try to call them? Please man.” Jeff was leaned away from him now. He wasn’t sure he wanted to help him at all.

“Alright, I’ll call, but if he doesn’t answer you’re outa luck.”

“Ok ok ok, cool man, cool.” Cy sat on the edge of the sofa and clasped his hands in anticipation. Jeff pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and entered the dark adjacent room. Cy prayed to God that he would be able to score. “I just need to get it. It’s owed to me, he told me he had it for me, so, he owes it to me to find some” he thought. Jeff came back into the room.

“You’re a lucky man, he just came up on some.” Jeff had a cocky smirk on his face. “So I’m assuming you need me to drive you right?”

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

Jeff’s car was an off yellow Oldsmobile. It was abused and, worst of all, the heater was broken. It worked though and Cy didn’t care as long as it got them there. The drive seemed to take forever. The entire time Cy’s right leg bounced. He glared at the passing scenery.

“Almost there buddy.”

They parked the rickety car on the street near some bent over trash cans. “Remember, just get what’s yours Cy.” He told himself again. He had never met a guy of this magnitude. This was like a dealer’s dealer so he better play nice. “I’ll play as nice as I need to. As long as they…” His train of thought was interrupted by the front door opening.

The man at the door didn’t say anything. He just let them in. Cy figured he would let Jeff do majority of the talking. He didn’t want to look like an *** in front of this guy. The needy pit in his stomach was much worse now, his whole body was starting to ache.

The interior was styled much like a normal house would be. The only difference was a loaded shotgun in the corner near the door. There was a conversation between the other two. Cy couldn’t even pay attention, his body’s need was overwhelming.

“Ok” said the dealer’s dealer. “It’s gonna be two hundred.”

“Two hundred?!” Cy’s heart beat thumped quick as he was filled with anxiety. He only had a hundred on him. “Could we do just a hundred?”

“I told you kid. Two hundred is what it costs. Now cough up or get the **** out!”

Cy panicked. “This is so unfair. This ***hole owes me a break. I deserve this. ****ing Jeff ****ed everything up. These people don’t understand.” His eyes spotted the shotgun. In a flash it was in his hand, it’s live barrel pointing at the two.

“I said one.” Came the dark face under the hoodie.

“That ain’t gonna happen.”

“YES IT IS ***HOLE!” As spit shot from his gnashing teeth. “Now hand it over!” The man didn’t hand it over, instead, he reached for a pistol. Cy was more focused and shot him dead. It was a shame that Cy didn’t know about the mechanics of a shot gun. Otherwise he would have known he couldn’t have shot with out hitting Jeff.

“S**t, ****, ****!” Came his worried curses. His nerves were gone and he frantically searched over the bodies. He was sure he killed them both. “What next what next what next?” he thought. “I need to get out of here fast.” He threw the shot gun down at the bodies, and pulled a small baggy from the dealer. He took Jeff’s keys.

The next chain of events was a blur, and then he was driving down an alley. He rolled the car to a stop and looked down at the dirty bag clenched in his fist. He held it close to his face as his hand opened like a water lily. Cy smiled.

Jack of Hearts
01-21-2011, 03:38 AM
This held my interest all the way through. It's a story about the main character Cy needing a fix and not caring who he has to use or shoot to get it. From the very first paragraph it was evident you were trying something new yet again- each of your pieces have been different and progressive in their styling.

It's a simple story about getting a fix and not feeling remorse in that moment of instant gratification. Yet it's so clear, so readable.

A fine piece, especially as Cy's thoughts are presented (real life experience? hopefully not!). Your reader hopes you continue to push forward. He senses your best work is yet to come.




J

Delta40
01-21-2011, 08:21 AM
There are some grammatical errors but I was hooked like JoH. Especially from 'The pole was rusty and the electrical wires hung like intestines.' ugh! I knew it was going to be dark from that point on. You captured the growing desperation of the character very well and as a cynic I was waiting for the twist, never sure if this was really about getting a fix from drugs or something unexpected.

well done.

hillwalker
01-21-2011, 10:43 AM
Definitely an improvement. More sentence variation and the pacing works really well.

It seemed rather rushed towards the end -the 'High Noon' shootout a quick way of tidying up all the loose ends. And I got the feeling it had run away from you there, as if you took your hands off the wheel and the story rumbled on downhill without much sense of direction.

But that's a minor quibble. As Jack says - I sense there's even better to come. And bravo for keeping at it.

H

bortleman
01-21-2011, 04:05 PM
I did some small touch ups, mainly towards the end. I had written this pretty late so I think the end deserved a go over when I wasn't fighting sleep. On a side note, The Package by A Perfect Circle was the inspiration for the work, if you're interested.

The single working street light was the only illumination on the street at three in the morning. The pole was rusty and the electrical wires hung like intestines. This was a part of town where nothing got fixed in a timely manner. Plastic advertisements littered the street.

Cy could see the white tops of his vans kick in front of his vision. The hood of a zip-up jacket covered his head. There was a scuff to his walk as his hands gripped the inner fabric of his coat pocket. The brief lighted corner hurt his eyes as he traversed it. He had just spent a mile walking in complete darkness. If he had to, he would walk ten miles more, but he was only a block away from his objective. He was lucky that there wasn’t a strong police presence. If there was he would have surely been stopped.

Cars were rushing on the highway that crossed over the forgotten community. Cy couldn’t see them. He always walked with his head down. He couldn’t care less because there was only one thing on his mind. His body was hungry for a fix.

He rounded the corner to Jeff’s town house and almost skipped his way up the stone stairs. The door was sea green with deep gouges in the wood. The smell of trash was in-escapable and it made his stomach hurt. The temperature was below freezing. In all honesty, Cy felt miserable.

He banged on the door. “You’re just here to get what’s yours.” He told himself as a shiver slid down his back. Jeff answered the door with the hazy green light of the living room in the background.

“What’s up man? Come on in.” A cheshire cat grin spread across his face. “You’re just in time.”

Cy followed him to the sofa and fell back on it.

“Grab a controller bro, its all set up.” There was a wooden coffee table between them and the television. An Xbox controller sat opposing Cy.

“Actually man, I’m just here to pick up” said Cy. Jeff’s face contorted disapprovingly.

“Well, that’s gonna be hard.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I ain’t got any.” Jeff raised his hands and eyebrows almost as if he was saying “tough luck”.


“What the hell do you mean you don’t have any?” Cy exploded standing up. “What happened to ‘Oh yeah dude, don’t worry about it. I got you covered’ huh?”

“Sorry bro! I got more people than you to sell to. Plus he could afford to pay full price.” Cy was already pacing around his corner of space and ran his hands through his hair in angst.

“Well do you know where I can get any more?”

“Dude everyone is asleep, it’s hella early.”

“COME ON JEFF!” Cy took a couple deep breaths. He tried to calm his shaky hands. A couple deep breaths more and he was collected. “Ok ok ok ok, listen Jeff. I need a fix really bad. Could you at least try to call them? Please man.” Jeff was leaned away from him now. He wasn’t sure he wanted to**help him at all.

“Alright, I’ll call, but if he doesn’t answer you’re outa luck.”

“Ok ok ok, cool man, cool.” Cy sat on the edge of the sofa and clasped his hands in anticipation. Jeff pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and entered the dark adjacent room. Cy prayed to God that he would be able to score. “I just need to get it. It’s owed to me, he told me he had it for me, so, he owes it to me to find some” he thought. Jeff came back into the room.

“You’re a lucky man, he just came up on some.” Jeff had a cocky smirk on his face. “So I’m assuming you need me to drive you right?”

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

Jeff’s car was an off yellow Oldsmobile. It was abused and, worst of all, the heater was broken. It worked though and Cy didn’t care as long as it got them there. The drive seemed to take forever. The entire time Cy’s right leg bounced. He glared at the passing scenery.

“Almost there buddy.”

They parked the rickety car on the street near some bent over trash cans. “Remember, just get what’s yours Cy.”He told himself again. He had never met a guy of this magnitude. This was like a dealer’s dealer so he better play nice. “I’ll play as nice as I need to. As long as they…” His train of thought was interrupted by the front door opening.

The man at the door didn’t say anything. He just let them in. Cy figured he would let Jeff do majority of the talking. He didn’t want to look like an *** in front of this guy. The needy pit in his stomach was much worse now, his whole body was starting to ache.

The interior was styled much like a normal house would be. The only difference was a loaded shotgun in the corner near the door. Cy noted that it was considerably nicer for being the home of a dealer. He could see, on the edge of his vision, a small end table in the corner with a dirty bag on top of it. There was a conversation between the other two. Cy couldn’t even pay attention, his body’s need was overwhelming. “That’s mine.”

“Ok” said the dealer’s dealer. “It’s gonna be two hundred.”

“Two hundred?!” Cy’s heart beat thumped quick as he was filled with anxiety. He only had a hundred on him. “Could we do just a hundred?”

“I told you kid. Two hundred is what it costs. Now cough up or get the **** out!”

Cy panicked. “This is so unfair. This ***hole owes me a break. I deserve this. ****ing Jeff ****ed everything up. These people don’t understand.” His eyes spotted the shotgun. In a flash it was in his hand, it’s live barrel pointing at the dealers.

“I said one.” Came the dark face under the hoodie.

“That ain’t gonna happen.”

“YES IT IS ***HOLE!” As spit shot from his gnashing teeth. “Now hand it over!” The man didn’t hand it over, instead, he reached for a pistol stuck in his wasteband. Cy was more focused and shot him dead. It was a shame that Cy didn’t know about the mechanics of a shot gun. Otherwise he would have known he couldn’t have fired with out hitting Jeff.

“S**t, ****, ****!” Came Cy’s worried curses. He rushed over to Jeff’s body. Jeff was gasping for air in groans as his fingers pressed against his bloody shirt and found the chasm in his abdomen. He stared up at Cy with the sad look of a drama mask. He died with that expression on his face.

Cy’s nerves were gone and he frantically searched over the bodies. Jeff was dead, he never wanted to shoot him. If Jeff would have helped him, this never would have happened.

“What next what next what next?” he thought. “I need to get out of here fast.” He threw the shot gun down at the bodies, and snatched the package from the table. Jeff did have one last thing to offer Cy, his keys. He wouldn’t be needing that car anyways, at least, not anymore.

He didn’t even give the scene a second look and he was out the door again. Cy ran even though there was no one around to care, or give chase. The car shook to a start as the dim headlights came to life. The tires screeched as he sped off.

The next chain of events was a blur of street lights and dumpsters. Cy finally found an alley he deemed safe. He rolled the car to a stop and looked down at the dirty bag clenched in his fist. He held it close to his face as his hand opened like a water lily. Cy smiled.

Delta40
01-21-2011, 04:20 PM
The ending is a bit more exciting. I'm not so sure about 'worried curses'. It feels typical that Cy would blame dead Jeff for this situation rather than own it himself.

bortleman
01-21-2011, 07:03 PM
To everyone:

Thanks for the feedback and criticism. It's nice to hear what the readers are thinking, even if the train of thought is lined with a few teeth. It's been kinda rough changing some writing habits these past few days, but I couldn't have known what needed fixing if I didn't have anyone to tell me. So all in all I appreciate the time invested in reading, and reviewing. Hopefully I will have something half as helpful to write for you in return.