Open Water

[bortleman]

He floated up the steps. His hangover kept him in a gray dream. The whole world swayed with him on the uneven keel of the boat. Several attempts later, the liter produced a flame. The tobacco sizzled as it was eaten by heat. The rails were cold with condensation. The murky ocean floor sank below the waves. He could see the island fading in the distance. There was the blackness of his eyelids. The island was gone. Water splashed against the hull. He couldn’t be sure if he was actually moving, though the ship rocked. Through the dirty plexy glass there was an empty seat at the helm. The pale clouds surrounded the little vessel. Something buzzed. Inside the smell of coffee was everywhere. The rough plastic handle of the coffee pot was reassuring. Today’s newspaper lay folded on the small table. Margret Wilson drowned. His rough wool pea coat was draped across his shoulders. The rain started earlier than he expected. There was no more noise. There were no more lights. The rope synched tight on his leg. He stared into the abyss. Mr. Wilson found the ocean calm and teal green beneath the waves. The ship sailed on. There was blue ink on the black and white picture of Margret Wilson.

[Jack of Hearts]

This is a large step in the right direction. Compared with your previous works the improvement in style and readability is so huge it's head-spinning. It's exciting to see such a leap.

Two notes this time bortleman:


The tobacco slizzed as it was digested by heat.

Either the narrator is Snoop Dogg or 'slizzed' is a typo. But, more importantly, it's kind of hard to imagine anything being 'digested.' After all, most of the digestive process occurs where most people can't see. Perhaps a word like "chewed" or "ate" is a better choice? There are a couple of other places where the same thing could be said- better to describe it in a way the reader could see with his eyes in these places.


“I’m starting to believe the ocean’s much like you. Cause it gives and it takes away.

The closing quotation mark wandered away. The reader senses the poignancy of the line but at the moment it seems a little overbearing or over dramatic. Here, the reader thinks, is where you can do what you always did in your other pieces: be subtle and make the reader assemble it. In doing so the reader will really feel/discover for themselves the final kick.

Cheers bortleman. Each of your posts has been an improvement of the last and the reader looks forward to seeing where you'll go next.



J

[bortleman]

He floated up the steps. His hangover kept him in a gray dream. The whole world swayed with him on the uneven keel of the boat. Several attempts later, the liter produced a flame. The tobacco sizzled as it was eaten by heat. The rails were cold with condensation. The murky ocean floor sank below the waves. He could see the island fading in the distance. There was the blackness of his eyelids. The island was gone. Water splashed against the hull. He couldn’t be sure if he was actually moving, though the ship rocked. Through the dirty plexy glass there was an empty seat at the helm. The pale clouds surrounded the little vessel. Something buzzed. Inside the smell of coffee was everywhere. The rough plastic handle of the coffee pot was reassuring. Today’s newspaper lay folded on the small table. Margret Wilson drowned. His rough wool pea coat was draped across his shoulders. The rain started earlier than he expected. There was no more noise. There were no more lights. The rope synched tight on his leg. He stared into the abyss. Mr. Wilson found the ocean calm and teal green beneath the waves. The ship sailed on. There was blue ink on the black and white picture of Margret Wilson.

"You are the tide."

[hillwalker]

An atmospheric piece with some striking imagery. This does indeed reveal another side to your writing.

The only quibble I had with it was the flow - or lack of..... If you actually read through this with a critical eye you will discover that almost every sentence is a statement. And the piece as a whole is a list of individual statements - each of which could be taken out if necessary without undermining the story's structure. There's nothing substantial enough here to bind them together as such.

Stylistically this makes it rather too matter-of-fact for the reader to engage with the character or with his situation. It reminded me of one of those old detective movies where someone is being interviewed, lets slip a careless thought and is reminded "just the facts, ma'am". This is all we have to go with here - a list of facts. But I'm sure it can be worked into a much stronger piece of writing with minimal effort.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

Mr. H.L. Walker-

This reader seems to understand intuitively what you're saying but is having a hard time articulating it to himself in a conscious or logical manner. Though the author perhaps may not need further explanation, this is a curious occurrence of dissection. The reader believes you are saying that the sentences do not show enough of a relation to each other? Or that there is nothing guiding the reader between them, from point A to point B?

Something to that effect, not quite what is fully being intuited... as the reader said, he cannot articulate.




J

[hillwalker]

This reader seems to understand intuitively what you're saying but is having a hard time articulating it to himself in a conscious or logical manner.

As hard a time as I had trying to convey what I felt the piece lacks. It's written as a series of statements - and that's the problem. Almost every sentence follows the same standard grammatical pattern : Subject - verb - object with a few other add-ons here and there.

Although the story is constructed of a latticework of some fine images and deft descriptions, there is very little flesh adhering to it and too little variation in tempo or standpoint to maximise the potential such a tale offers.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader detected that as well, but how do you begin to articulate it to another person? It seems to be something that just develops alongside everything else in writing, invisible and seemingly incidental.

The following is not a critique this reader would actually offer to the piece, but a dissection in the interest of getting at the heart of the unspoken, of the inwardly intuited.


He floated up the steps. His hangover kept him in a gray dream. The whole world swayed with him on the uneven keel of the boat.

Ah-ha. Subject-verb-object pattern in the first three lines. To be repeated throughout much of the piece. The first two lines are quite satisfactory and pleasing. But the by the third line, the descent in effect has begun (it’s gradual, minute at first).


Several attempts later, the liter produced a flame.

This is essentially the same thing, only there is a phrase attached to the front of the previous pattern. This little variation does a fine effort to break up the monotonous pattern, but it is perhaps not enough. Also, it is implied that the character has started to attempt to use a lighter. It goes unstated for some reason and makes this quite abrupt. What is the purposes for not making the action clear and definite?


The tobacco sizzled as it was eaten by heat.

Still a quibble with this line. Heat is something one mostly feels (admittedly, it can be seen in some strained circumstances, but that’s a very secondary condition). The reader cannot easily see ‘heat’, and to feel it here is obviously not the intention of the sentence. Again, the subject-verb-object pattern is at play.


The rails were cold with condensation. The murky ocean floor sank below the waves. He could see the island fading in the distance.

The implicit idea is that the narrator is looking over the edge. What a strange thing to not make definite. This is still the same sentence pattern with a bit of ornamentation (that provides a slight effort toward variation).


There was the blackness of his eyelids.

Mixed up about this line. The narrator has shut his eyes or taken a dramatic blink. It’s a bit awkward in the way it’s presented. Again, it’s not stated that the narrator blinked, it’s implied- and for such minute, concrete details, one wonders why? Usually this effect is left for devices of magnitude, such as a succinct unspoken meaning being hinted at, etc.


The island was gone. Water splashed against the hull. He couldn’t be sure if he was actually moving, though the ship rocked. Through the dirty plexy glass there was an empty seat at the helm. The pale clouds surrounded the little vessel. Something buzzed. Inside the smell of coffee was everywhere. The rough plastic handle of the coffee pot was reassuring.

Sentence pattern again and these bizarre little implied actions. Maybe it’s better to have the reader clearly and easily see the concrete picture/action and leave the abstract ideas to such implication?


Today’s newspaper lay folded on the small table. Margret Wilson drowned. His rough wool pea coat was draped across his shoulders. The rain started earlier than he expected. There was no more noise. There were no more lights. The rope synched tight on his leg. He stared into the abyss. Mr. Wilson found the ocean calm and teal green beneath the waves. The ship sailed on.

At the final moment, implying the action actually works quite nicely. But the device has been made cheap by all the abuse it’s taken in the rest of the work.



There was blue ink on the black and white picture of Margret Wilson.

"You are the tide."

The story is better without these stylistic mis-steps. It’s just too heavy handed.



J

[Steven Hunley]

I think you're both right. It's just a series of statements. They need to be related like:

He floated up the steps.(IN THE SAME WAY THAT) His hangover kept him in a gray dream. The whole world swayed with him on the uneven keel of the boat. AFTER Several attempts the liter produced a flame. (SUBSEQUENTLY) The tobacco sizzled as it was eaten by heat. (OUTSIDE) The rails were cold with condensation.(BEYOND THAT) The murky ocean floor sank below the waves. He could see the island fading in the distance floated up the steps.

There's a lack of transitional words here. It could use subbordinating conjunctions, and conjunctive adverbs, some words to indicate time order,or sequence,or words that indicate cause and effect. That's the kind of glue it needs. Otherwise, as you've pointed out, it's just a string of phrases, and you almost have the impression the phrases, no matter how effective on their own, are like beads on a string. If you were do drop them and the string broke, they might be just as effective strung back in any order at all.

And we wouldn't want that would we?!!

[bortleman]

Cool cool, thanks for the insight here fellows. Steve I think that previous posted clicked in my head the most. Thanks to hillwalker and JoH for identifying the problem and then Steven for submitting a solution.

[Delta40]

I'll just applaud your efforts :party:

[bortleman]

Haha thanks for the encouragement delta :)