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zoolane
01-19-2011, 06:03 PM
Vanity.

In two in the morning, she busy Hoover under the table in the dining room for tenth time from six in the evening when she came home from work, next polish and clean glass ware again and that same time make sure she looking perfect very sense of the word. She had dinner at the normal time of nine in evening which sound weird to you and me. She has certain ritual; she has to carry soon as she get home. It clean bath then have a bath, clean again and same in very room in her one bedroom flat. She final laid her head down that three am for few hours’ sleep.

The alarm sound off that half past six, she jump up, strip her sheets of the bed put them in washing machine, re make bed with exalted same pattern bed spread, in the shower, she take about half an hour now she got down fine art. She having toast and coffee but feel slightly weird on her right side of her body. Suddenly the hand with cup of coffee fell to floor it broken in three pieces but handle was still in her hand. She stood up. On that side was stoop for some reason, everything on the good side of her body was saggy and she couldn't’t move any of limps on that side.

She wasn’t bother that her body was being difficult at this precise moment in time, she was more worried about mess on the floor and how going manage to clean it. She try walked over to sink, where she keep the dustpan and brush under the sink. With her good hand, she open the door the crash, pull out item and with foot the edge of the flat bit and slow pick up broken china cup.
After that awkward mess was sort, she gradually pulls herself to middle of the sitting to famous sparkle clean mirror. She dusts herself down, straight up her hair and smooth out her hair. She still tries to move non response side of her young body. She perch herself on the plastic cover of her favorite chair, and put on a silk glove to phone for an ambulance. Her face turns to terror as she looking over everything in great detail, she spying some dust on top shelf of her glass unit. Which hold few figures and photos of family.

With eyelid is closed but she determine to get to unit. Where she knows is cloth hid behind the chair in box. On one foot and other on tip toe. Reach high as her body will let her go. She feel strange again with that she utter sound which was supposed to be scream. With that fell to floor take figure with her. Brawl out on the floor she try to make herself presentable but her body will not do as it command by her brain. In her mind she think that I must get to chair so can smart myself up. As her long fingers try claw their way toward the chair but she grew weaken and weaken.

Jack of Hearts
01-20-2011, 03:36 PM
This reader has read many of your posts. Despite your troubles with language, you still manage to get your stories across in a very striking manner. In certain ways that is quite a display of skill.

As for your character, vanity is her vice- even when she's suffering a stroke, she must clean her cabinet. Even in her denying, limp moments, her mind is telling her soon-to-be-corpse to arrange itself in a presentable manner. Interesting and disturbing.




J

zoolane
01-20-2011, 04:57 PM
This reader has read many of your posts. Despite your troubles with language, you still manage to get your stories across in a very striking manner. In certain ways that is quite a display of skill.

As for your character, vanity is her vice- even when she's suffering a stroke, she must clean her cabinet. Even in her denying, limp moments, her mind is telling her soon-to-be-corpse to arrange itself in a presentable manner. Interesting and disturbing.




J

Hi Jack,
Thank you for comment and your kinds words. I am slow getting better with writing I hope. The peice was suppose long but I thought put her out of misery.
Zoo

hillwalker
01-20-2011, 06:41 PM
I missed this revisit, zoo.....

This is a better version. We get to engage better with the lady by the way the story sticks close to her behaviour without any external destractions.

And I hope you don't mind me saying, but your spelling has improved out of all recognition over the last few months.

H

Delta40
01-21-2011, 04:29 PM
good story Zoo. I think the first version has more punch. Your brevity in story telling is one of your strengths.

zoolane
01-21-2011, 04:36 PM
good story Zoo. I think the first version has more punch. Your brevity in story telling is one of your strengths.

Ty Delta.

zoolane
01-23-2011, 06:07 PM
Pain in her left side of her chest, broke out reach other side to dawn in with suffering. Her breath become shallow, heavy as she try grasp the air with dry crisp red lips but her eye lids flutter with exhausted. Her chin resting on the cream soft carpet with scene of lavender drift up her nostrils. With wet substance wetting her lips, trickle down to her mouth, out corner of her eye. She caution glimpse of the liquid it looking like scarlet like her favourite lipstick. Sudden she felt surge of pain in her chest, gentle faded away in her best presentable position she hopeful for.

Delta40
01-23-2011, 06:12 PM
lol. I hope she was wearing her best knickers too! very strong imagery

everyadventure
01-26-2011, 11:09 PM
It's clear you're aware that your prose has a stilted sort of rhythm... but, rather than distract from this piece, it pulls the reader in. What will you say next? How will you say it? It's a style that's utterly unexpected and unique, and is pure poetry. My favorite line: re make bed with exalted same pattern bed spread. Lovely. You have a fan here :)

zoolane
01-29-2011, 12:33 PM
Thankyou very much for comment everyday. I like your avatar.