Scream into the night

[kittypaws]

When your heart is
wrenched
Out of your chest.
You become depressed
And scream out the window
Into the cold black night
“Why does no one love me?”

You have sunken so low
How low will you go?
Slipping back inside
Back against the wall,
Under the sill
The rain and snow
Hammering in.

You hang your head
And long for better.
Life is meant to be of bliss.
Hugging your knees
You shed tears;
Trying to find comfort.


kittypaws......:frown5:

[hillwalker]

You really must get yourself a pair of clippers; and I don't mean nail clippers but preferably those with long, sharp blades that can be used for cutting back hedges or jungle undergrowth.

Some of this poem is fine - but some needs some hacking back to the live wood otherwise the reader is left wishing he/she had stuck to the path.


When your heart is
wrenched
Out of your chest.
You become depressed

..... scream out the window
Into the cold black night
“Why does no one love me?”

You have sunken so low
How low will you go?
Slipping back inside
Back against the wall,
Under the sill
The rain and snow
Hammering in.

You hang your head
And long for better.
Life is meant to be of bliss.
Hugging your knees
You shed tears;
Trying to find comfort.

The underlined bits as a minimum need removing. Overall it's a mixture of melodramatic and banal.

You describe a heart being wrenched from your chest - then try to paraphrase that visceral feeling into a weak 'You become depressed' which immediately destroys the sense of pain and loss the narrator is suggesting.

Similarly, the parts that follow ask the reader to focus on the personal pain, but too often we get side-tracked by weak additions that make it appear disjointed.

There's a skeleton for something much better here but as it stands it looks like something written down rather too hastily, in a moment of need presumably. In the cold light of day you would probably agree it can be tightened.

H

[Delta40]

I don't have the critique skills of Hill but as he has brought it to my attention, I agree. You have already implied the underlined bits with what you have written and there is no need to unravel it further. Allow the reader to use the words to tap into their own psyche and understand what it might feel like for them.

Having said that, I rather like 'how low can you go' when slipping beneath the windo sill...perhaps you could (pardon the pun) reframe it?

[crackery]

Having said that, I rather like 'how low can you go' when slipping beneath the windo sill...perhaps you could (pardon the pun) reframe it?

right,more deep and reframe it

[kittypaws]

I really enjoy this site....

Delta you are special and

Crackers you are kind.

I will store this away in one to re-write when I learn to write without sooooo many words...to let the reader's mind create the image.

H ~ once again many thanks.

don't worry! I will be back!

kittypaws

[Haunted]

the things Hill and Delta pointed out are valid but aside from that, there's some good stuff here. I really like these lines, they paint a picture:


Back against the wall,
Under the sill
The rain and snow
Hammering in.


Hugging your knees
You shed tears;
Trying to find comfort.

Now if only you just make it tougher....

[kittypaws]

thank you Jane.....

H is correct. I wrote it in haste but the 'behind the scene' was that is how I felt. I tend to write out of emotion and get caught up in the feeling and then think everyone will understand. I do need to take some time to rework my writes but then I really fudge them up!

Everyone takes something different from a poem....thank the Lord!

That is why everyone has a favorite author or style.

I am working on my style.

kittypaws