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bortleman
01-18-2011, 11:52 PM
I pulled my heavy boot up from the sucking mud. It sloshed and shot violently upward. Such was the pace. The leaves waved from their limbs and golden late fall dusk poured across the mountain. Soon the sun would flee across the hill as the winter slid forward with the night and the cold. Crisp frosty air entered my lungs as I slung my rifle, again, and continued on the game trail. Moist fresh dropping delighted my nostrils. Pausing and looking cautiously around, I soon spotted a joyful pile of ****.

Squatting low I searched the immediate crystal white ground for more sign. If this was fresh, there will be tracks nearby. Poking through the mess, my hopes were confirmed. The dark stool pushed like putty between fingertips. Only a few hours tops.

A quick exhale, as squinted eyes peered towards the hilltop. The contours ran easy across the sky and between the oaks showed me a small slope leading shortly down to another hill. That saddle was the best avenue for all deer moving through here. They would be back for water come morning.

The sky dictated that evening was moments away. The well worn straps that held my woodland life together were pulled tighter, hoisting the pack high. Teeter tottering to get the adjustments just right I heavily stepped forward.

It was an easy eighty pounds in all, but each instrument held intentional value. Anything not needed wasn’t brought, and everything included divided life from death. The wrinkles of experience that laced my forehead had taught me well how to pack a ruck. There were blankets, space blankets, first aid kits, splints, matches, maps, clothes, ammunition, pans, food, water, pots, an extra set of boots, ponchos, waterproof tarps, more food, a small tent, and a compass.

I was a solid five miles from base camp, and I hadn’t planned on being here all night, but was prepared for it. I figured if I could make camp tonight near the main trail, and be careful to use as little means as possible, I had a decent chance at bagging some meat.

Shadows deepened. Forgiveness is not common practice for nature. Any carelessness and you would find yourself in the local Sherriff report. It happened all the time in these woods. Sudden pit falls and broken-leg snares sat coiled to usurp you. There were copious stories of lost youths hunted by terrors of the night that studded the usual campfire conversation. The most famous was of Peter Stubbe. It was the usual nonsense. An evil man who had made a pact with the devil. His soul was swallowed whole and now the demon wore his guise to prey on young children.

I carefully made my way. It was still a click or so to where I would camp. The compass needle spun around and caught itself before yo-yoing its way straight. My boot jingled metal chain.

Knife like ivory bone shot forcefully upward. I stopped. My heart stopped. High pitched silence rang through my ears. Slowly the heavy thumping in my chest returned. Velvet blood trickled down the husk of splintered remains to an earthy and tightly laced brown boot soaked in lifeless blood. Irregular newly sharpened teeth of a bear trap held the dead limb in a vice.

I scoured the ground for anything. There were no tracks. The soil was too cold for them. A grotesque pile of blood. This guy was dead. He had to be. I moved cautiously towards the fluid the world seemed alive with death. Carrion birds mocked me, jerking their heads side ways, eyeing a potential meal. They spat their call again trying to separate me from their claim.

A snail trail of crimson meandered its way through the trees. If this guy was alive he needed some serious help. He couldn’t be far ahead, gauging from the damage. Wiry tree branches belayed me and I feebly swatted at them still intently focused on the blood path.

The trail of blood narrowed and began to disappear. Fading light kept my vision from staying the course, and I was forced to double back to get on the sign again several times. By the time I lost it completely, I was worn out with sweat.

“Where the hell am I?” I spoke dauntingly to myself. My wet cap was pulled off in surrender and needle cold struck my head. Acceptingly, I took a slow glance around. Nothing. I sauntered over to a large stump and sat down.

I inhaled deeply. Fire. There was a fire nearby. On my feet, I closed my eyes feeling out the wind. Once the direction had been ascertained I was pressed forward at a trot. At least this guy is smart, he’s gonna need that fire with all the blood he’s lost.

Two haunting yellow eyes of a small rambled shack glared from the ashen trunks. The old creaky timber sagged like old skin folds, fattening wide, resting its horrific shape on the swampy ground. The fire smoke clawed up from a stubby chimney. I slowed my trot, arms dropping as the full structure towered into view. A gray and fractured wolf’s skull sat with maw gaping on the apex of the door frame.

The shack stared me down. Mostly, I wanted to leave, but my conscience got the best of me. Just to be sure. I un-easily made my way towards the door, stomach churning. The thin door planks were weakly woven together by three rusty twines of wire. Slits of the interior seeped out with the light. It shook clamorously as I knocked.

No answer.

A moment or two. I had sure knocked loud enough. I knocked again.

No answer.

I rubbed my face wearily. Well at least I tried. A low figure caught my eye as I turned from the house. Refocusing, the slender figure of sticks jutted out from a pile. There was no order about their build. They sat in an unusual pile, an odd way to stack firewood.

Light from the window glinted off a gnarled white bone. It was nothing like I had seen earlier, but it still startled me. These were mostly animal bones. Stripped bare from scavengers. I moved my head invasively around the assortment and recognized several familiar animals. Bears, squirrels, deer and a human femur.

My heart down shifted. It was sure to come out of my chest.

“Why heylo der son” Came a voice behind me.

I wheeled around, my face feeling wet and pale. An older man dangling a lantern cradled a rifle as he swung his way toward me. I opened my croaked throat and froze. The lantern swung nearer. I cleared my throat and managed to meekly utter “Good evening.”

“Whell” he said “It shore es a long tim sin aye seen any soul up dis way” Now he was standing close and I could see the knotted knuckles the strongly gripped his light’s handle. His body looked aged, but sturdy. Wearing a stained old white long sleeve shirt with suspenders that held his loose jeans around his waist, he leaned forward.

“Yew huntin’?” he said grinning, showing his shingle stained teeth.

“Oh, uh, yeah” I forcefully replied.

“Whell, come on een” as he clasped a tight hand on my shoulder and urged me to follow to the cabin.

“I don’t really want to intrude…” I stammered hurriedly. He broke into laughter that fell into a deep smokers cough.

“Yeh dun hafta worry son” as he pushed me along.

The warm air of the cabin surrounded me, it seemed like the only decoration besides a hand made table, two chairs and a bookshelf. I kept to myself. The room stretched larger than my initial assumptions. Thick empty air kept the conversation to a minimum.

“Eem gonna haf sum suppa put on soon. Yew jus relax.” His shadow slid across the wall, making its way into a dark room. I could hear him fiddle thumping around uttering curses here and there. The bookcase fell into weary gaze and I stepped inquisitively towards it. Blank book spines lined the uneven shelves. Only one work I found had title and author. It read: The Infernal by Stubbe.

“Wut dew ya wan te eat?” echoed the old man.

“Um, I’m not sure” I said loudly back. “What have you got?” I still hadn’t planned on staying, and was determined to attempt to excuse myself at the earliest convenience. Parchment ambiance bounded from the room where the old man stood. Creeping in on his turned back. Painfully bent over he work feverishly on a cutting board. I could smell blood.

The old man cut away at a hunk of meat slicing it thin.

“Eev git sum fin veal if yer intristed.” Turning his head eerily about, the greasy strands of hair swaying in front of his face. Despite his age, his face appeared abnormally healthy and unwrinkled. An oak cutting board stained black was only accompanied by two large barrels in the room.

“Yew know how dey make veal?” As the cutting resumed. “Whell, aye’ll til yeh. Ferst yeh git a young lil cow rit? New yeh dun wan te cow te git ist muskle all tuff. Yeh git te keep em nice en sof. Sew, te way yeh dew dat is te keep em shacked up where dey caint move round on yeh dat much. Keeps te muskle frim develpin. A nice durk place es bess.” I took a small step back.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you…”

“Yeh feed em milk en not tew much grain” his knife blade circled the air above him before returning to his work. Heart thumping, my eyes darted across the room. All the wood in came with knots and rolls to it. The warped floor boards lifted and sunk under my shifting weight. I couldn’t stand to look at the old man as he worked.

An orange metal band spotted with the original color of the steel kept these two barrels together. One was leaking.

“Have you seen anyone else around here recently?”

No answer.

The oozing liquid was thick and black spreading across the dirty old boards like the yoke of a freshly cracked egg. I slowly crept closer. The smell of death emanated from squatting containers.

“Aye wan yew te try dis son” He appeared surprisingly close to my face. “Eet won keel yeh.” He held up a raw piece of meat. It was thin and bloody.

“Maybe you should cook that first”

“Naaaaaw, eest bess whin eest fresh”

I slowly took the flayed veal and gingerly put it in my mouth. I slowly chewed. It was tender, but tasted like swamp water. I could still see the disturbing fluid ebb closer to me still out of the edges of my vision. The twinkling gaze of the old man leered closer.

“Dats gud ain tit?”

Something jostled in the corner of my eye. I stole a quick glance at the barrels, and caught its movement again. I prayed the old man hadn’t seen me.

“Yes, er yeah, it is” He turned away and set his knife down. I quickly wheeled towards the filthy containers. I was sure of it, it was blood.

“Dun wurry, ders gonna be plentee mire”

The barrel jumped again. The noise of it was so loud he had to have heard it. The horror pressed heavy on my chest, I could hear my slow creaking steps away from it echo in the distance. The barrel jumped again louder than before. My eyes widened and a muffled voice coughed from the container.

“Durkniss son”

I spun myself around quickly

“Eet keeps te meat fresh!”

The hollow clang of the shovel sent tidal waves of darkness through my head.

hillwalker
01-19-2011, 09:18 AM
This has the makings of a great story – a touch of ‘Deliverance’ …..

But there are two or three things that prevented me from enjoying it as much as I might have:

1) Firstly, that dreadful attempt at mimicking the language patterns of some inbred woodlander. There’s no need to lumber the story with such nonsense.
Just tell the reader he spoke 'with an accent as twisted and shrivelled as the undergrowth' and then you can record his words normally.
Trying to read and make any sense of words scrambled up this way is virtually impossible and kills the story.

2) Secondly – adverbs. These are labels many writers stick into sentences because they believe they add more flavour, more detail and perhaps even more literariness to a story. Well they don’t. In most cases they act like speed-bumps on a road. Every time you tell us something you stick in an adverb to slow us down. None of them add anything to the story that can’t be done more artfully by other means :

I heavily stepped forward – what is that even supposed to mean? You staggered forward? You stepped forward with a heavy tread? Your feet weighed heavy as you stepped forward?

Knife like ivory bone shot forcefully upward. – I can’t begin to understand this sentence or picture what it’s supposed to be about….. but ‘shot forcefully’ – is it possible to ‘shoot gently’? Presumably not, so ‘forcefully’ is a redundant word.

I moved cautiously towards the fluid the world seemed alive with death. – again I'm strugggling to make sense of this sentence as it stands. But ‘moved cautiously’ is lazy writing – there has to be another single word that means the same thing.

“Where the hell am I?” I spoke dauntingly to myself. – there’s no need to tell us you spoke to yourself. We spotted the speech marks and there’s nobody else there so who else could you be speaking to?
And as for how one is supposed to speak ‘dauntingly’ heaven only knows. Again ‘gasped’ or ‘whispered’ would be a better word choice – but as I say, you don’t need to elaborate so much.

It shook clamorously as I knocked. – I beg to differ. It ‘shook’ as you knocked – that’s all we need to be told.

I rubbed my face wearily…..
I cleared my throat and managed to meekly utter…..
I slowly took the flayed veal and gingerly put it in my mouth. I slowly chewed.

Can you spot the pattern yet? It’s as if you have to qualify every single action with an adverb. It is pointless – and makes for extremely heavy going when trying to read the story.

3) Finally, you seem to be trying too hard to write in a ‘quirky’ style at times and it comes across as either bizarre or just wrong.

the leaves waved from their limbs – whose limbs? the limbs of the leaves?

Moist fresh dropping [droppings?] delighted my nostrils – I'm trying to picture the mechanics of this and it ain't pretty

The sky dictated that evening was moments away. – is dreadfully flowery writing.

I think you have some bad habits that need nipping in the bud. The best way is to pare this down to the bare bones and only add descriptive detail where it’s going to add some atmosphere or some dramatic punch to the piece.
The best way to broaden your style while maintaining its readability is to read more yourself and discover how other writers pull it off.

H

Jack of Hearts
01-19-2011, 04:23 PM
“Durkniss son”

I spun myself around quickly

“Eet keeps te meat fresh!”

This reader likes the way it ends.

He also thought of 'Deliverance' and thinks this is some solid content to work with. At parts it can be hard for a reader to get through or imagine. hillwalker's critique is quite thorough, but a condensed offering would be to say think of your reader. What can you do to help get a reader through it? And it deserves to be traversed because underneath the things to trip over is quite an interesting story.


J

bortleman
01-19-2011, 08:06 PM
I fought sucking mud for my boot. The mud hole slurped and finally freed my foot. Every other step was a battle that left you exhausted. The leaves waved from tree limbs and golden fall dusk poured across the mountain. Soon the sun would flee across the hill as the winter slid forward with the night and the cold. Crisp air entered my lungs as I slung my rifle, again, and continued on the game trail. Scent of moist droppings filled my nostrils. Pausing, I soon spotted a joyful pile of ****.

Squatting, I searched the immediate grounds for more sign. If this was fresh, there will be tracks nearby. Poking through the mess, my hopes were confirmed. The dark stool pushed like putty between fingertips. Only a few hours old, tops.

A quick exhale, as squinted eyes peered towards the hilltop. The contours ran easy between the sun and I. Looking between the oaks showed me a small slope leading shortly down to another hill. That saddle was the best avenue for all deer moving through here. They would be back for water come morning.

The sky was dark and evening was moments away. The well worn straps that held my woodland life together were pulled tighter, hoisting the pack high. Teeter tottering to get the adjustments just right I took a heavy step forward.

It was an easy eighty pounds in all, but each instrument was intentional. Anything not needed wasn’t brought, and everything included divided life from death. The wrinkles of experience that laced my forehead had taught me well how to pack a ruck. There were blankets, space blankets, first aid kits, splints, matches, maps, clothes, ammunition, pans, food, water, pots, an extra set of boots, ponchos, waterproof tarps, more food, a small tent, and a compass.

I was a solid five miles from base camp, and I hadn’t planned on being here all night, but was prepared for it. I figured if I could make camp tonight near the main trail, and be careful to use as little means as possible, I had a decent chance at bagging some meat.

Shadows deepened. Forgiveness is not common practice for nature. Any carelessness and you would find yourself in the local Sherriff report. It happened all the time in these woods. Sudden pit falls and broken-leg snares sat coiled to usurp you. There were copious stories of lost youths hunted by terrors of the night that studded the usual campfire conversation. The most famous was of Peter Stubbe. It was the usual nonsense. An evil man who had made a pact with the devil. His soul was swallowed whole and now the demon wore his guise to prey on young children.

I made my way. It was still a click or so to where I would camp. The compass needle spun around and caught itself before yo-yoing its way straight. My boot jingled metal chain.

Ivory bone protruded from the ground. I stopped. My heart stopped. High pitched silence rang through my ears. Gradually the heavy thumping in my chest returned. Blood trickled down the husk of the splintered remains to an earthy and tightly laced brown boot stained red. Newly sharpened teeth of a bear trap held the dead limb in a vice.

I scoured the ground for anything. There were no tracks. The soil was too cold for them. A grotesque pile of blood. This guy was dead. He had to be. I eased towards the fluid, the world alive with death. Carrion birds mocked me, jerking their heads side ways, eyeing a potential meal. They spat their call again trying to separate me from their claim.

A snail trail of crimson meandered its way through the trees. If this guy was alive he needed some serious help. He couldn’t be far ahead, gauging from the damage. Wiry tree branches belayed me, I swatted at them still focused on the blood path.

The trail of blood narrowed and began to disappear. Fading light and poor vision kept me from staying the course, and I was forced to double back to get on the sign again several times. By the time I lost it completely, I was worn out with sweat.

“Where the hell am I?” I whispered. My wet cap was pulled off in surrender and cold struck my head like needles. Acceptingly, I took a slow glance around. Nothing. I sauntered over to a large stump and sat down.

I inhaled deeply. Fire. There was a fire nearby. On my feet, I closed my eyes feeling out the wind. Once the direction had been ascertained I pressed forward at a trot. At least this guy is smart, he’s gonna need that fire with all the blood he’s lost.

Two haunting yellow eyes of a small rambled shack glared from the ashen trunks. The old timber sagged like old skin folds, fattening wide, resting its horrific shape on the swampy ground. The fire smoke clawed up from a stubby chimney. I slowed my trot, arms dropping as the full structure towered into view. A gray and fractured wolf’s skull sat with maw gaping on the apex of the door frame.

The shack stared me down. Mostly, I wanted to leave, but my conscience got the best of me. Just to be sure. I headed towards the door, stomach churning. The thin door planks were weakly woven together by three rusty twines of wire. Slits of the interior seeped out with the light. It shook as I knocked.

No answer.

A moment or two. I had sure knocked loud enough. I knocked again.

No answer.

I rubbed my weary face. Well at least I tried. From the ground a figure caught my eye as I turned from the house. Refocusing, slender sticks jutted out from a pile. There was no order about their build. They sat in an unusual pile, an odd way to stack firewood.

Light from the window glinted off a gnarled white bone. It was nothing like I had seen earlier, but it still startled me. These were mostly animal bones. Stripped bare from scavengers. I moved my head invasively around the assortment and recognized several familiar animals. Bears, squirrels, deer and a human femur.

My heart down shifted. It was sure to come out of my chest.

“Why hello there, son” Came a voice behind me.

I wheeled around, my face feeling wet and pale. An older man dangling a lantern cradled a rifle as he swung his way toward me. I opened my croaked throat and froze. The lantern swung nearer. I cleared my throat and managed to say “Good evening.”

“Well” he said “It sure is a long time since I seen any soul up this way” He spoke with a high and almost squeaky backwards accent. Now he was standing close and I could see the knotted knuckles the strongly gripped his light’s handle. His body looked aged, but sturdy. Wearing a stained old white long sleeve shirt with suspenders that held his loose jeans around his waist, he leaned forward.

“You huntin’?” he said grinning, showing his shingled teeth.

“Oh, uh, yeah” I replied.

“Well, come on in” as he clasped a tight hand on my shoulder and urged me to follow to the cabin.

“I don’t really want to intrude…” I stammered. He broke into laughter that fell into a deep smokers cough.

“You don’t have to worry son” as he pushed me along.

The warm air of the cabin surrounded me, it seemed like the only decoration besides a hand made table, two chairs and a bookshelf. I kept to myself. The room stretched larger than my initial assumptions. Empty air kept the conversation to a minimum.

“I’m gonna have some supper put on soon. You just relax.” His shadow slid across the wall, making its way into a dark room. I could hear him fiddle thumping around uttering curses here and there. The bookcase fell into gaze.. Blank book spines lined the uneven shelves. Only one work I found had title and author. It read: The Infernal by Stubbe.

“What do you want to eat?” echoed the old man.

“Um, I’m not sure” I said back. “What have you got?” I still hadn’t planned on staying, and was determined to attempt to excuse myself at the earliest convenience. Parchment colored light shone from the room where the old man stood. He was painfully bent over feverishly working on a cutting board. I could smell blood.

The old man cut away at a hunk of meat slicing it thin.

“I got some fine veal if your interested.” Turning his head about, the greasy strands of hair swaying in front of his face. Despite his age, his face appeared abnormally healthy and unwrinkled. An oak cutting board stained black was only accompanied by two large barrels in the room.

“You know how they make veal?” As the cutting resumed. “Well, I’ll tell you. First you get a young lil cow right? Now you don’t want the cow to get its muscle all tuff. You got to keep them nice and soft. So, the way you do that is to keep them shacked up where they can’t move round on you that much. Keeps the muscle from developing. A nice dark place is best.” I took a step back.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you…”

“You feed them milk en not too much grain” his knife blade circled the air above him before returning to his work. Heart thumping, my eyes darted across the room. All the cabin wood came with knots and rolls to it. The warped floor boards lifted and sunk under my shifting weight. I couldn’t stand to look at the old man as he worked.

An orange metal band spotted with the original color of the steel kept these two barrels together. One was leaking.

“Have you seen anyone else around here recently?”

No answer.

The oozing black liquid spread across the dirty old floor boards like the yoke of a freshly cracked egg. I crept closer. The smell of death emanated from squatting containers.

“I want you to try this son” He appeared close to my face. “It wont kill you.” He held up a raw piece of meat. It was thin and bloody.

“Maybe you should cook that first”

“Naaaaaw, its best when its fresh”

Shaky hands took the flayed veal. I put it in my mouth and chewed. It was tender, but tasted like swamp water. I could still see the disturbing fluid ebb closer to me still out of the edges of my vision. The twinkling gaze of the old man leered closer.

“That’s good ain’t it?”

Something jostled in the corner of my eye. I stole a quick glance at the barrels, and caught its movement again. I prayed the old man hadn’t seen me.

“Yes, er yeah, it is” He turned away and set his knife down. I wheeled towards the filthy containers. I was sure of it, it was blood.

“Don’t worry, there’s gonna be plenty more”

The barrel jumped again. The noise of it was so loud he had to have heard it. The horror sank in my chest, I could hear my steps echo in the distance. The barrel jumped again louder than before. My eyes widened and a muffled voice coughed from the container.

“Darkness son”

I spun myself around.

“It keeps the meat fresh!”

The hollow clang of the shovel sent tidal waves of darkness through my head.

hillwalker
01-20-2011, 06:35 AM
This 2nd draft is much more enjoyable - I actually managed to read it right through without pausing and got a lot more out of it that when I read the original.

Some of your descriptions stand out and bring life into the story - 'wrinkles of experience' lacing your forehead and the 'two haunting yellow eyes' of the shack.

But there's still a good deal of fat that could be trimmed off without jeopardising the tone of the story.
Little phrases like 'a joyful pile of ***', 'a heavy step forwards' and 'an easy eighty pounds' for example are weighed down with descriptors. You don't need to attach an adjective to every single noun - sometimes it's better to allow the reader to use their own imagination to fill in any blanks.

But overall, a much better piece of writing.

H

Jack of Hearts
01-20-2011, 03:29 PM
Take two is a far superior piece. As previously stated, your readers are watching the progress you're making and that in itself is interesting.

This reader thought it was perhaps unnecessary to name the ghost story of 'Peter Stubbe' specifically (who is presumably the villain at the end). Then again, it is never actually established that it's him in the end.


... bagging some meat.

Hunters aren't the only ones who use this expression.




J