Whilst Sleeping

[Hektyr]

Hello. I'm new here but I thought I'd jump in the deep end and join in the poetry forum with one of my efforts. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Whilst Sleeping

Whilst sleeping, the snow is awake
Staring into the past
As a drunk passes fleetingly –
Being sure only of his way.
The snow doesn’t lie like us.

Whilst the sky speaks softly of rain,
Tracks lead nowhere forever.
And now - out staying its welcome –
What once was news is now merely
An inconvenience -
Leaving no mark,
No good,
No change.

[hillwalker]

Welcome - and jumping in with both feet is the best way.

The image of snow coming alive while we sleep - then disappearing leaving no mark - no 'lies' presumably because it tracks the drunkard's every false step.

Some delicately phrased statements. Perhaps the poem can survive without the last two lines - unless you see 'No good/No change' as an integral part of the piece.

But overall, a valiant effort

H

[Hektyr]

Thanks for the welcome and the feedback.

I can see your point about the last two lines - I'm pretty much making the same point three times. Cheers

[blank|verse]

Yes, I agree with hillwalker that this is a decent first post and contains some imaginative lines. It reminds me of a poem called 'The Park Drunk' (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=7615) by Robin Robertson.

I liked this image:

The snow doesn’t lie like us.
but I wasn't sure if 'fleetingly' is the best way to describe a drunk.

The repetition in the last three lines really hammers the message home - how dare the natural world interfere with my important life! - which is something you often hear on the news from the fussy busybodies who know the price of everything, and is quite contemporary in its view. As you may gather, not one I agree with, but it's certainly one you hear these days. Good effort.

And as you're new to the forum, can I also suggest that you read and leave comments under other people's poems as well, particularly if you would like more people to comment on yours. Thanks, b|v.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I enjoyed this for the imagery, once I got past the dangling modifier of the first line, where "Whilst sleeping" would logically apply to the first subject that comes after it, in this case "snow." I assume you meant "While I sleep..."