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zoolane
01-15-2011, 06:59 PM
Vanity.

Her face on the left side was baggy but the right side was vibrating as usual. Make-up perfect with bit out place with her hand shake and she knew ambulance was on its way. She still wants to be perfect for her visitors. Trying to perch herself on her favour armchair with support from her good side. Taking time to look around, checking if was a spot dust anywhere that she missing, her left eyelid is close or trying to. Above the clock is glass unit with figures on with few pictures in silver frames, she trying shout but only utter sound of letter, she notice fingers mark on one or two.
The body she has being giving will not obey it command from her brain. She crash to floor, she demand herself move, only thing she manager to do is crawl across to the glass unit. Pull her herself with all her strength and reach in her skirt pocket for tissue and with slow, painful motion round frames. Finally collapse to ground like sack of potatoes and laying knowing she must move soon before they arrive.
In distance she can hearing blue and two, she can’t decide is for her or something else. Drag herself inch in by inch with carpet burns over her pale, tone skin and the one her leg is weep slow draw blood. She gets halfway to the armchair with sore, she knew she was not that her best and though made her feel sick. She grew weaken as knew face was messed and slide on her with arm reach out, her bad arm rest on her hip. Her dryer blue spike up more normal with all movement she had made it effort her vanity alive. At moment the door swung open with two people in green boiler suit want take her hospital.

Delta40
01-15-2011, 07:59 PM
I think this is a very powerful piece Zoo and one of your better stories. It really contrasts the need to look good under any circumstances against common sense. The fact that she looks worse as a result of her vanity makes her more sick than the injury itself is well done. You could expand on this. Despite your writing difficulties, this story echoed loud and well.

hillwalker
01-16-2011, 02:46 PM
Definitely one of your better pieces - presumably a stroke victim putting her vanity ahead of her well-being (and so true to life).

I also think this story can be expanded if you so wish, especially as that last sentence seemed a rather lazy way of rounding off the existing story. As it stands it would be much better without it.

Do we really need to know that the paramedics arrived? In the context of the rest of the story it is immaterial and concluding it this way although perhaps a neat touch does tend to weaken the poignancy of the entire piece.

H

zoolane
01-16-2011, 03:44 PM
Ok little project on side minus essay I have catch on as well new peice taht college. Trust you and Delta to see a silver lining in it.