Space Men

[hack]

Whirling planetesimals
competing for the light,
turning toward an infant sun,
cultivating night.

Cleaving clean the dark from day,
flotsam swept away,
making space for men with hats
in colored cloaks, and gray.

[Delta40]

is there really such a word a planetesimals?

I like the line turning toward an infant sun, because I immediately thought of a father figure and a child.
and also Cleaving clean the dark from day,
flotsam swept away,

I get the impression of wizardry more than anything else.

[blank|verse]

is there really such a word a planetesimals?
There really is! Although I'd not heard of it, either...

Great piece, hack. The rhyme works effectively in evoking a druid-like chant. And the imagery and descriptive phrases are very strong, which are always good to have in a short piece. You even get away with a pun ('making space')! :)

And the 'men in cloaks' reminded me of 'the priest and the doctor | In their long coats | Running over the fields' from Philip Larkin's 'Days'. Good stuff.

[Lokasenna]

This is excellent!

Despite the brevity of the poem (or perhaps because of it), you have captured a snapshot of something much larger. The poem is filled with the effective power of suggestion.

[hack]

Thanks for the comments. It is really about
the birth of darkness or night. Before the
planets formed everything in the nascent
solar system was in the light. Now, even with
the advent of night we still seek to somehow
escape the light. Perhaps a better title would
have been, "Sheltering Night".

[Hawkman]

Hi hack. I really loved the clever construction and witty wordplay in this. I'm not sure about the last line though, perhaps just a bit of mangled syntax for the rhyme?

"In coloured cloaks and gray." Gray what? I accept they could be wearing both gray cloaks and coloured ones but it's just feels a bit weak to close such an effective and affecting poem this way. Just a thought.

Still, it's always a pleasure to read you.

Live and be well, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I've got to second Hawkman in his query re the "colored cloaks and gray." I suppose one might imagine they're dressed entirely in gray but for their cloaks? But it's a bit iffy and iffy is not how one wants to feel at the last moment of a poem, the more so when it's as good as this one is.

[hack]

Perhaps I should have split the last line. I wrote it that way initially.
Colors are segregated light. Shades of gray are shades of night.
I understand that there is a leap there. I guess that is what makes it a poem.
For me anyway. Thanks for reading guys. Yeah, it is ambiguous. I have been
trying, without much success, to write something else and the poetry seems
to intrude. I really don't know if it is good or not...peace...

[DieterM]

Really a good read, a very effective poem. I did like the last line, somehow, as it reminded me of Michael Ende's novel 'Momo' with the famous 'men in gray' trying to steal time from everyone – so your 'men with hats / in colored cloaks, and gray' just added a (personal) layer to the many layers I already perceived in your lines.

[jajdude]

Nice poem, and I learned a new word.