PDA

View Full Version : Black Coffee



RaoulDuke
01-14-2011, 07:19 PM
This was originally submitted as an entry into the annual short story competition 2010. I would love some feedback, particularly if you voted in the poll. As always, feel free to tear it apart...
__________________________________________________ __

A cheap plastic wall clock ticks out the seconds of a Friday afternoon, a metronome for the quiet kitchen symphony performed to an audience of one. The sound of the neighbours downstairs conversing permeates through the floorboards but somehow the individual words are filtered out between the plaster, wood and linoleum and only a muted antiphony seeps through. The refrigerator hums softly in the background as anonymous cars pass at the end of the identikit street of tenement houses. The kettle rises to a bubbling, effervescing crescendo and then dies with a click as the switch pops back up.

I steal a look out of the window and stare up at the brilliant blue sky. Today has been just like yesterday, the day before, and as far as I can remember it, the day before that as well; no rain, no clouds, no laughter. I pour the water that has just boiled into a mug with a deep filling of coffee granules in the hope that the caffeine will allay the feelings of inertia and apathy that have suffocated me so totally these last few days. There's something about the beautiful summer weather that makes me feel all the more guilty about sitting at home doing nothing; about not leaving the house to see people, go for a walk, a cycle, a picnic or simply bathe in the glorious sunshine.

It certainly feels strange sitting in the house at this time on a Friday afternoon, and it has done so all week. My boss called me into his office on Monday morning and gave me a week off work, or “a week to start with, but take as long as you need,” as he said himself, in an uncharacteristically sympathetic tone. He called it “compassionate leave”, or something like that. It's odd, I would normally revel in the circumstance of being paid to sit at home doing nothing, but right now the dreariness of the achromatic office full of co-workers on their best behaviour, with all their diverting chitchat and pleasantries, of loading bars, error messages and telephone tones, would be a welcome diversion. All those old things considered tedium would be preferable to sitting in this solitary box listening to the fragments of other people's lives that filter in.

Monday’s paper still sits on the kitchen table with the headline that proclaims “Local man in suspected drug death” and a portrait photograph staring back up at me. I just can't bring myself to throw it in the bin; it seems almost disrespectful to do so, which is mad, of course, it is after all just a newspaper; an insensate jumble of wood pulp and ink. The article describes how Edward Edison, 26, collapsed at around 3.30 am inside the nightclub Analogue and how paramedics were unable to resuscitate him. It then goes on to some details of the family left behind, a statement from a senior(ish) police officer and the all usual guff. The journalist who wrote the piece was right in his suspicion; Eddie Edison overdosed on cocaine whilst I was out around the town with him last Saturday night. The toxicology reports are yet to come back and his parents won't believe it until they do; but that is what happened.

The real kicker is I saw it coming a long way off. He was always trying to push the boundaries, go beyond the limits and to do what his friends and colleagues told him he wouldn't be able and what his government told him he wasn't allowed to do. The newspaper article featured a snippet from the statement made by the family; “Edward finally fell victim to his reckless pursuit of freedom and happiness”. That was Eddie all over – reckless, free and happy.

The feeling that bothers me most, the one that makes me want keep myself occupied and busy enough to avoid facing up to the whirlpool of emotions whipping around inside my head, is this burning admiration I have for him and how he lived his life; without limits or compromise, in total freedom and so completely in the moment. But more than that, my admiration strays into jealousy, and it's for that that I feel guilty, and that somehow discarding his front page obituary would be an act of anger or disdain, an embodiment of the jealousy. I've always envied his carefree, do-or-die approach to life, and it's only now that he's dead that I've really had to confront these feelings. I have always justified my own cautious approach to life by reassuring myself that one day he would pay in some way for his lifestyle and life choices, but now that he has paid the ultimate price for his dauntless pursuit of freedom I can't help but think that he had it right all along.

I am guilty of wasting my life in my half-arsed office job in the pursuit of some untenable marketed dream of happiness through the pay check. I'm guilty of sacrificing my life in the present for the sake of security and comfort in the tomorrow that never comes. I have always been the guy that says “But what if...” and I have always done as my parents, teachers and so-called superiors bid. I have always refused illicit drugs and cigarettes and have never gone over board with any other vices: I sometimes go to pub after work for a couple but never get drunk, and rarely get relaxed enough to really bond with my co-workers. I usually bet on the Grand National and the World Cup but my trips into the bookies so infrequent that I don't feel comfortable there. I occasionally went out with Eddie and his mates on a weekend, and I usually enjoyed myself, but I've never been good at dealing with hangovers. Between Eddie and myself, I always had the thinner waist, the wider chest, the bigger pay packet and the newer, faster, shinier car; and yet it is me who has always been envious of him.

So anyway, here I am in my kitchen almost a week after his death having done nothing to speak of in the interluding time. There hasn't been any milk in the fridge for days and I haven't left the house to get any, so I've taken to drinking my coffee black. I take a sip and it scolds my lips. The most obvious solution would be to leave it to cool, but like I said, I'm tired of just sitting around waiting.

Instead I take out a tray of ice cubes from the freezer and drop a handful in the mug. They swirl around in the darkness, each one gradually getting smaller and losing its opaque white colour and becoming more pellucid. My mind wanders as I lean over and stare into the mug and feel the sultry stream rise up and massage my face. The ice cubes become diamonds floating in molten onyx; tiny, perfect, precious stones swallowed by the crushing, boiling blackness. They all melt in the same curious pattern; a dent appears in the middle, it develops into a hole that permeates all the way through, turning them into little glass-like tubes, little windows into the abyss.

They remind of me of his staring, vacant eyes; gateways to the empty shell slumped on a nightclub floor atop a convulsing body, surrounded by figures frozen in horror. I remember that moment, that whole scene, like a photograph; the girls with their hands clasped to their cheeks in sheer terror, motionless, with their silent mouths wide open; all noise drowned out by the thumping bass and generic dance beat that suffocated the air. Tears were caught suspended halfway down the tracks they were cutting down faces, makeup caught somewhere between heading-out-of-the-house perfection and post-traumatic smudged mess. And then there was the white froth hanging mid-dribble from his mouth and nose, glistening in the strobe light glow like icicles in the winter moonlight.

I've replayed that little snapshot of him lying on the nightclub floor in my mind over and over countless times, but as I picture it now, whilst lost in the swirling, shrinking crystalline shapes, it all becomes much clearer. No matter what happens the music keeps playing, the lights keep flashing and the people who don't witness the tragedy keep on dancing, flirting or fighting completely oblivious. The world keeps turning and entropy keeps marching on down its one way street.

Our lives pass like ice cubes placed in freshly made black coffee; we deliquesce into our surroundings until nothing remains but the murky darkness that is left visibly unchanged, just that little bit colder for the experience. We are diamonds dropped into molten onyx; created as carbon based forms of astounding, mesmerising, unique beauty, doomed to the fate of anonymous non-existence from our very inception. All we have are the moments in between, the times when the inhibitions that separate and alienate us are overcome and we experience humanity at its most beautiful and reckless. It's the instances when we overstep the line and to do what our heart tells us, especially when it breaks a law or goes against our friends' best advice, that define us as free thinking and courageous human beings.

If Eddie taught me anything in his short time on this earth then it’s that life is too short to sit around moping. The past has been and gone; I have my memories and my regrets but now it’s time for a change. I pour the coffee out into the sink, descend the stairs and stride out of the front door. The wonderful August afternoon sunshine bathes my skin with all its cathartic energy and I feel invigorated. The wall clock back in the kitchen keeps on ticking out the seconds of the rest of my life, but I'm not going to waste it listening to the countdown.

Jack of Hearts
01-15-2011, 05:13 AM
A cheap plastic wall clock ticks out the seconds of a Friday afternoon, a metronome for the quiet kitchen symphony performed to an audience of one. The sound of the neighbours downstairs conversing permeates through the floorboards but somehow the individual words are filtered out between the plaster, wood and linoleum and only a muted antiphony seeps through. The refrigerator hums softly in the background as anonymous cars pass at the end of the identikit street of tenement houses. The kettle rises to a bubbling, effervescing crescendo and then dies with a click as the switch pops back up.

This opening paragraph is very heavy handed. The author is just trying to do too much and gratifying himself- the reader is off put with so many details. It's inelegant, it needs thinning and unfortunately it's your very first paragraph and it's enough to get a reader to stop. What's interesting is that this paragraph is the only part of the story that is so extreme. While there are other parts that are suffering, it's not necessarily from this same problem like one would suspect and they are far better off.

Practical advice (to be taken with a grain of salt): focus on the most important imagery of this opening paragraph (one assumes that to be music) and streamline toward. Think of reading this and what it would take for you, as a reader, to get through it.


Monday’s paper still sits on the kitchen table with the headline that proclaims “Local man in suspected drug death” and a portrait photograph staring back up at me. I just can't bring myself to throw it in the bin; it seems almost disrespectful to do so, which is mad, of course, it is after all just a newspaper; an insensate jumble of wood pulp and ink. The article describes how Edward Edison, 26, collapsed at around 3.30 am inside the nightclub Analogue and how paramedics were unable to resuscitate him. It then goes on to some details of the family left behind, a statement from a senior(ish) police officer and the all usual guff. The journalist who wrote the piece was right in his suspicion; Eddie Edison overdosed on cocaine whilst I was out around the town with him last Saturday night. The toxicology reports are yet to come back and his parents won't believe it until they do; but that is what happened.

'Mad' and 'whilst' are noticeably antiquated words. Perhaps your narrator has a reason to use them, but you have not convinced this reader. It seems like imitation of something, like that awful poetry people write in eighteenth century dialog to make it seem artsy at the expense of being clear. There are a few other spots where the piece gets like that. Whoever is narrating this speaks in a manner that would seem odd to others in his time period (keeping in mind that this reviewer is American, and if you live elsewhere and the people of your country speak English in this way, then an apology is in order).


I remember that moment, that whole scene, like a photograph; the girls with their hands clasped to their cheeks in sheer terror, motionless, with their silent mouths wide open; all noise drowned out by the thumping bass and generic dance beat that suffocated the air. Tears were caught suspended halfway down the tracks they were cutting down faces, makeup caught somewhere between heading-out-of-the-house perfection and post-traumatic smudged mess. And then there was the white froth hanging mid-dribble from his mouth and nose, glistening in the strobe light glow like icicles in the winter moonlight.

The reader cut off the first lines of this paragraph so he could say that the above is the best part of this piece. Parts of it seem arbitrary and unrelated, added for effect only (winter moonlight and a nightclub?). But even still, this is you at your descriptive best. Rather than report events, you describe them through sensory information and metaphor. That's is not something frequently done in this piece and it suffers for it.


If Eddie taught me anything in his short time on this earth then it’s that life is too short to sit around moping. The past has been and gone; I have my memories and my regrets but now it’s time for a change. I pour the coffee out into the sink, descend the stairs and stride out of the front door. The wonderful August afternoon sunshine bathes my skin with all its cathartic energy and I feel invigorated. The wall clock back in the kitchen keeps on ticking out the seconds of the rest of my life, but I'm not going to waste it listening to the countdown.

Every time you get close it simply isn't smooth enough. Consider the line:


The wonderful August afternoon sunshine bathes my skin with all its cathartic energy and I feel invigorated.

In considering this line this reader hopes to make his thoughts clear on the whole of your piece. This isn't a particularly bad example, but a line very near the mark and gone only slightly astray. 'The wonderful August afternoon sunshine' is heavy because you're providing three descriptors for the sunshine. They dilute each other and show a lack of economy. The reader now is working with three details. But then there's the sunshine's energy and how it makes the narrator feel. Would it be so hard to prune some of that away? Not only would it make it easier going for the reader but, by principle of scarcity, increase the magnitude of the imagery you choose to leave in.

If you scrolled to here without reading any of the above (or dismissed it as one person's opinion, which is really all it is), then here is the condensed form; write descriptively (rather than reporting) and be careful what you put the reader through (economy with words- two or three words where one will do tests your readers' patience and too many details are fatiguing).


J

RaoulDuke
01-18-2011, 01:05 PM
Thanks for the time you took over this reply.

I very much take on board what you say about it being over-written and having numerous words where one would suffice; it's not so much trying too hard as getting completely carried away. The first paragraph is a prime example of this, I got completely caught up in creating a stand-out introduction to set the scene and only ended up over-egging the pudding.

Your observation of numerous words and/or metaphors in a sentence diluting each other is definitiely valid and not something I've really thougth about before; this is definitely something I will bear in mind.

I started off by writing a few indivudal descriptive scenes/events (such as the ice cubes in coffee and the friend collapsing on the dancefloor) and tried to tie them together by adding the plot afterwards. It's interesting that you highlighted one of these scenes (the dancefloor) as an example of good descriptive writing and label other parts overly proasic and as simply 'reporting' events. I thought I would be able to pull it off but clearly haven't got away with it.