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Grit
01-14-2011, 02:26 AM
Mouth is dry, thick with sticky. My phone’s alarm, some piece of classical music, wakes me and I quickly grab it. A quick glance tells me it’s 9:30, lots of time. I adjust the alarm and pass out.

I wake to silence this time. The sun is cooking me gently in my sheets, it’s rays leak between the lines of the tangled, rickety blinds of my nearby window. I click my phone; it’s digital clock reads eleven forty-eight AM. I chuckle and roll out of bed, rotating my torso onto my feet. Well, so much for economics this semester. Fifth class straight, guess it’s just not meant to be. I smile, everything’s so convenient, ain’t it?

I stand precariously, wobbling and then standing still. My head is spinning, and I close my eyes to protect them from the harsh sunlight. I pad my way out of my room and into my attached bathroom. I sit on my toilet and just zone for a second. Then I reach to my right and crank the hot water, full blast. I push down the shower button; I don’t know what else you’d call it although I’m sure it has a name. Within minutes the room is filled with sauna-like steam. It’s just like when you step off the plane from Hawaii and step right into the open airports of Honolulu. Which is where it gets it’s name. Hawaiian hot box. H-H-B. Hippie Shower.

The familiar weight of universe feels reassuring in my sweaty hand as I lift it from its place in the cabinet beneath the island sink. I take out the stem and empty ash from the bowl into the hot shower where it is whisked about before being sucked quickly beneath the rapidly draining floor. Then I take out my bag and admire my stash. I take pride in the quality of my herb. I get it from a guy in the next building, he really likes me, but I had to try fairly hard to make that happen. It’s all about mirroring. If you mirror or imitate everything someone does, they’ll be hard pressed not to like you. They won’t love you, but they’ll like you just fine. That’s all you really need with your dealer.

After my smoke, I quickly spin the hot water off, and then open my door. Room-temperature air hits my shirtless chest like a wall of cold. I go immediately to my room, and throw on a pullover hoody. It’s DC Skate Company. I haven’t skated since high school, I used to be pretty good but then I quit for a bit and got rusty. Things aren’t so fun if you’re no good at them.

I walk to the couch next to our kitchen and sit, propping my feet on the nearby glass coffee table. Your legs can get righteous sleepy if you forget to move for a while. I grab the remote and click Power. The TV’s black screen stares at me. I click Power again. No response. I click it several times, very quickly but there is still no response. I glance at the oven in the kitchen, right on my left. Where the time usually is there is nothing. The numbers are missing. Power must be out. How did the shower work then? Meh, must be on separate grids. I grab the pizza box which sits next to me on the couch and place it upon my lap.

I begin drumming and compose a song, impromptu, based on the bottle of hot sauce that sits lidless on our coffee table.
“Louisiana Hot Sauce
Louisiana Hot Sauce
Tastes so good
Knew it would
Tasty on most stuff
Never gunna have enough”

I repeat this song about six times, growing in volume with every pass. Soon I’m belting it out in a crescendo.

“Hey.”

I stop immediately and look to my left, at the entrance of the room. It’s my roommate, Devin.

“Hey man.”

After I reply, he breaks eye contact and walks right over to the fridge, swinging it open. My hands dance around my bare legs.

“No class today, huh.”

What the hell? It’s not snowing, why would there be no class. My heart is beating rapidly.

“Yeah, got an email this morning.”

“Oh, I meant you just didn’t go.”

I laugh. “Oh okay. Yeah, you’re right I just didn’t go.”

After this exchange, I stand and go immediately to my room, where I close to door. Man that guy is nosy. What’s the fun of living off on your own, if your own roommate acts like your mom? I grab my laptop, plug it in and power it up. At least there’s the Internet. Good old Internet.

That night, at around seven o’clock, I do some reconnaissance. I silently open my door and tiptoe out of eyesight of the couch, but in earshot of the room. I hear television, sounds like Heroes. God that show is sweet. Superpowers are so sweet. Wait, how did he get the TV going? When’d the power come back on?

I walk into the room and stand, looking at Devin and the TV in turn. “Did you notice the power was out this morning?”

Devin looks at me and then responds while looking at the TV. “I used it before I left for class.”

“Yeah but dude, the clock was all black.” I turn towards the clock There’s still a black rectangle where the time should be. “What the.”

Devin stands and walks over to the oven. He reaches down and picks away with two fingers. Then he peels a thick, long piece of electrical tape from off the oven. Beneath, the time reads eight thirty-seven in it’s usual lime-green numbers.

“What’d you put that there for?” I ask him curiously.

“What the hell are you talking about?” He says, gesturing the hunk of tape at me. Uh, oh he’s throwing a tantrum again. “I didn’t do this.”

“Well I don’t remember doing tha-“

“Of course you don’t,” He snaps and storms off like a spaz.

Whoa, what a guy. I retrieve my baggie from the bathroom, as well as some grape-flavoured papers. I thought about doing mango, but I had it last night. I roll a perfect joint, another pride of mine, in under a minute. Know anyone else that can roll a fatty in under a minute? Didn’t think so. I spark it, and am about halfway through it when Devin re-enters.

“Here,” he says and tosses a folded piece of paper into my lap. I instantly notice a staple in it. Before I look up, he’s already gone and I hear his door’s room slam.
I unfold the letter, with shaking hands.

“Nate,
I am tired of telling you daily not to smoke in the apartment. That doesn’t seem to matter to you though, because you continue to do so whenever you feel like. Probably because it wouldn’t be your problem if my dad lost money on this place, not that you can ever do anything, even if it is your problem. You’re messy; you lie frequently and I am fairly sure you don’t like me. I feel like you’re using me. You have until the end of the week to move out. Please find your cheque for this month attached to this letter. Three years is a long time.
Devin.”

At the bottom is the cheque, four hundred dollars. The money I saved up in the summer just to live with my best buddy from high school, to live on my own. To be an adult. My chest is exploding.

After several dazed minutes, I stand and walk to Devin’s door. I knock open the door, and then walk in.

“You know what Devin?”

He is sitting at his computer. He looks nervous. “What?”

“You’re a douche.”

“Oh wow, how mature. I bet you’re wondering why this is happening.”

“Nope. You’re a huge douche.”

“You’re a worthless stoner.”

“Hey, at least I don’t hate life.”

“Get out.”

“No, and you know what Devin? I’m not moving out. What cha gunna do? I’m home more than you are sucker, and I’ll lock you out.”

“I have a key.”

“Can your key break through rubber cement, cause that’s what it’s up against.”

“Go ahead, damage it in any way you want, but just enjoy it cause you’ll pay a fine for it.”

“Seems like that doesn't matter all that much, seeing as I’m rather rich now. Ya know, considering I don’t have to pay rent anymore. Seems like I'm in a kind of Double Jeoprady wouldn't ya say? Seems like things are about to get very interesting.”

"What are you talking about?"

I take a few deep breaths. Then, I walk to the front entrance, and kick the wall as hard as I can. My foot breaks through the plaster easily and I fall backwards onto the floor. Luckily an errant t-shirt breaks my fall.

“Nice wall.” I yell. Then I stand and walk towards the kitchen. Devin has left his room and is now staring at the hole in his dumb wall in disbelief.

“This is my crib.” I say to him.

He leaves without another word. What a perfect douche. Kicks me out the week school starts, like he couldn’t have told me three weeks ago that he was the least chill dude alive. I shake my head, some people.

I figure that hole in the wall will probably cost about three-hundred so I look around for something else to break. I know! He loves the couch, it’s about the only comfortable thing in the entire apartment. I climb upon the wicker couch and begin jumping, driving my feet down hard. The couch creaks under the strain and on my third jump, it cracks, straight through the middle and my feet slam hard against the floor. Lots of breakables around. By the time building security drags me out, kicking and screaming, I’ve smashed every plate and cup in the kitchen cupboard. I even smashed the Porsche mug. That hurt just a bit, cause it was mine, but it felt good too. Cleansing.

It would be hard going to school, especially since I live three hours from campus. Whatever, I’ll find a new place to live pretty easily I figure. I’d find someone who wasn’t a square.

I will camp on the grass in front of my building tonight, it wouldn’t be do bad, I’ve done it before. I had my baggie, I’d be all good.

hillwalker
01-14-2011, 10:52 AM
I had to say that the first 3 paragraphs didn't seem particularly promising because there wasn't a great deal happening to make me want to read further.....

But then you suddenly got on track and the rest of the piece was fascinating reading - with a fast pace, smooth flow and pretty much everything slotting into place.

This stands out as by far the best writing you have posted on here so far. I'm not sure whether it's because it's a little closer to home so you are writing from experience. Whatever, it raced along without a single false step and was an enthralling journey.

H

Grit
01-14-2011, 09:56 PM
I had to say that the first 3 paragraphs didn't seem particularly promising because there wasn't a great deal happening to make me want to read further.....

But then you suddenly got on track and the rest of the piece was fascinating reading - with a fast pace, smooth flow and pretty much everything slotting into place.

This stands out as by far the best writing you have posted on here so far. I'm not sure whether it's because it's a little closer to home so you are writing from experience. Whatever, it raced along without a single false step and was an enthralling journey.

H

Thanks Hill. I appreciate you consistently commenting on my stories, as it seems you are my lone reader haha.

This is drawn more heavily from personal experience, if only I could learn to write what is in my imagination with this level of reality...

Jack of Hearts
01-15-2011, 05:42 AM
This seems like it's something that might have actually happened, an entry in a journal or a personal blog to a certain extent. It's enriched because the reader is allowed to see the full nature of the narrator in context- whereas journal writing would be defensive and biased, every reader here can see who's behaving erratically or in an asinine manner.

It's good to see works that aren't overwritten. Perhaps unbalanced at the beginning, this piece finds a good stride.

J

hillwalker
01-15-2011, 02:55 PM
If only I could learn to write what is in my imagination with this level of reality...

Ask yourself why. Because writing from a personal experience was effortless - whereas you find writing from your imagination a chore because you are trying too hard.

You have the verbal technique and originality to write gripping material, but your 'fantasy fiction' was rather difficult to swallow because it seemed to belong to a different reality from the one most of us inhabit. Perhaps your fiction needs to be more rooted in reality for you to be able to use the powers of your imagination and descriptive abilities in equal measures.

H

Grit
01-15-2011, 05:30 PM
Ask yourself why. Because writing from a personal experience was effortless - whereas you find writing from your imagination a chore because you are trying too hard.

You have the verbal technique and originality to write gripping material, but your 'fantasy fiction' was rather difficult to swallow because it seemed to belong to a different reality from the one most of us inhabit. Perhaps your fiction needs to be more rooted in reality for you to be able to use the powers of your imagination and descriptive abilities in equal measures.

H

You're definitely right and have identified the major struggle I have with writing in general. I realize that works like this, that take place in the real world, are more identifiable and accessible. However, I am more deeply inspired by certain fantasy themes. I wrote that fantasy fiction, for no other reason that I've been spending a lot of time thinking about death, and how limited our time on Earth is. Our limited time here, is very interesting to me and I think it's a universal theme, something everyone can relate to. I obviously failed in writing it, for reasons we've established but I'll try writing it again. Everyone dies one day, so everyone SHOULD technically be able to empathize with a character who hates time and would like to live forever.

The reason I often go for the fantastic, is I feel it is unrealistic to tackle those themes in the world today. I find someone spending their life fighting for immortality, and achieving it, only to find that everyone they love is gone truly touching. I know I want to write something when it gives me goosebumps and that's what I go off of. I'm writing short stories right now as an exercise in improving my grasp of character, as I work on outlining my next script.

I've been told this throughout my life that my writing is too disconnected from reality, and it's something I've worked at improving. However, I'm still struggling to hit that balance.

For example, another theme I've been stuck on, as far as screenwriting goes, is telekinetic powers.

I love telekinetic powers. I think there's nothing as cool as the idea that someone would manipulate their reality using their mind. I have a variety of powers in mind; illusion, foresight, mind-control and brain-delving. I also have the main character having psychic powers that fluctuate in intensity based on his emotions, the more angry he gets the more powerful he is. I think that's a very interesting plot device. However, the problem with it is I realize that it will be immensely challenging to write a telekinetic movie/tv-show with even a sliver of believability.

On the flip side, I've thought of numerous ideas with no psychic powers, or any fantasy at all, felt good about them. But then I lose all interest, as I am bored when I think about it. It doesn't get me excited like other stuff.

I see fantasy not as a way to escape from reality, but as a way to potentially bring out sides of humanity that aren't often explored.

Any suggestions or advice on achieving the perfect balance would be awesome. I'd be sincerely gracious. :biggrin5:

Steven Hunley
01-16-2011, 04:46 AM
This was an interesting, engaging read. For me its strength lies in the exquisite use of venacular. When you read something like this you realize that you might be able to pull off the shelf a dictionary of contemperary venacular and that it could do you absolutely no good at all. That applying it correctly and with gusto will either make you out to be a fool with a dictionary or a writer with a contemporary ear. Sir, your ear is highly tuned. The language suits the subject matter and I found it tailor-made.

hillwalker
01-16-2011, 03:10 PM
Supercerebral powers or whatever you want to call them are only unbelieveable if you portray them in an unlikely setting. If you have trolls and wizards performings various sorts of jiggery-pokery in some feeble copy of Middle Earth then no one is going to be fooled into accepting it as anything other than far-fetched fantasy. Some readers thrive on this kind of material.

BUT..... it's entirely plausible to have a character blessed or cursed with these abilities walking the streets of Manhattan or Hong Kong or wherever you want to place him and fabricate a compelling psychological thriller or horror story linked to his life. Stephen King seems to manage it quite successfully. Since you write so well when describing the recognisable world - but get so bogged down in the stupid stuff when trying to write fantasy - I'm wondering why you want to pursue the latter rather than the former.

I would say write to your strengths, and if you have a particular philosophy regarding immortality that you feel you have to inject into the plot then adapt it to fit the style you write best. There are numerous well-written novels that skate along the thin edge between reality and the 'dark side of the psyche'. The best ones make the plot entirely believeable by rooting everything in reality.

H

Grit
01-17-2011, 05:05 PM
Supercerebral powers or whatever you want to call them are only unbelieveable if you portray them in an unlikely setting. If you have trolls and wizards performings various sorts of jiggery-pokery in some feeble copy of Middle Earth then no one is going to be fooled into accepting it as anything other than far-fetched fantasy. Some readers thrive on this kind of material.

BUT..... it's entirely plausible to have a character blessed or cursed with these abilities walking the streets of Manhattan or Hong Kong or wherever you want to place him and fabricate a compelling psychological thriller or horror story linked to his life. Stephen King seems to manage it quite successfully. Since you write so well when describing the recognisable world - but get so bogged down in the stupid stuff when trying to write fantasy - I'm wondering why you want to pursue the latter rather than the former.

I would say write to your strengths, and if you have a particular philosophy regarding immortality that you feel you have to inject into the plot then adapt it to fit the style you write best. There are numerous well-written novels that skate along the thin edge between reality and the 'dark side of the psyche'. The best ones make the plot entirely believeable by rooting everything in reality.

H
Stephen King is probably the perfect model. He has a gift for blending supernatural horror, strong characters and reality.

Thanks for your help Hill, I've really been working on changing my style the last couple of days and hopefully this work will pay dividends in terms of growth.

I've given up on the psychic concept for now, but it's never to far off my mind so hopefully, as I work on developing my ability to write strong characters, I'll be blessed with inspiration.

Currently working on a film noir TV show in the style of Twin Peaks that takes place in a small Canadian town and revolves around a competitive minor hockey team. Since I played on a competitive minor hockey team, I have a lot of experiences to draw from. I'm excited about how quickly it's developing.

Anyway, thanks again it's always a pleasure to hear your input.

Steven Hunley
Your kind words were exactly what I needed to hear. I was sitting at my computer, having trouble finding inspiration, when you posted your comment. It was reassuring and I found a story only minutes later. Thank you.

bortleman
01-19-2011, 09:38 PM
I found this story to be a perfect potrayal of sharing a pad with room mates. I have felt the same way with mine several times. I was just never bold enough to break things. Haha