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Delta40
01-13-2011, 09:19 AM
Have you ever come in contact with a person where, for some reason that you couldn't understand, you just felt evil in your bones, or sensed that they were dangerous and up to no good? Now I don't mean someone who looks mean or malicious. Take me for example, I am not evil at all but there are people who look normal, if you like but there is something just not right about them. They make the hairs on the back of my neck rise, my skin crawls if they come too near. My heart quickens when they speak. Sometimes, I think I can even smell evil. It makes my nose wrinkle and there doesn’t seem to be any real reason why other than I know they are evil.

Young Henry had that perception. It is a gift because so many people fail to see it, I think. He was a very sensitive boy. When I first took him from his mother, she chased us down that dusty red track screaming 'Sista, Sista' oh for at least half a mile I would say. Henry did not move an inch the whole journey back to the chidlren’s hostel. He wouldn’t take any food or drink and was sent to bed early. I have had alot of experience with aborigines and it is not unusual for them to be quite shy. One understands that they know no better than the disgusting envrionment they have lived in. It can take a while before they get settled. Henry was not easily bought with food, drink and clothing. Probably because he was around 12 or 13. The younger ones think their new home is exciting but not for Henry. He cast his clothes off as soon as he was dressed and would not touch the food presented to him on a plate. We received very little funding. More and more children were subject to the awful outback conditions. You can understand the waste not want not policy that we had to uphold. If a child would not eat, then they did not as work was the next best thing to give them a hearty appetite. Henry worked in the yard with the other boys while the girls cleaned the dorms each day. He was reluctant I must say and refused to eat even then. I suspected the other children were sneaking him food. I cannot abide defiance so I was discussing the best strategy for dealing with sly deceptive behaviour when the children ran to the fence surrounding the camp.

A grizzled haggard aborigine came to the gate. His face was as dry as the landscape and these people all look like they’re 100 years old. They stink too. Often starving, no water, and quite uncivilised. It was when I faced spectacles like this (their people would refer to him as an Elder) that I truly believed the government's intervention to remove aboriginal children from their families was the greatest of mercies. The job of rounding up poor souls was most certainly not for the faint hearted. I don’t mean heart breaking. One was carrying out the Lords work, after all. But it was pitiful to see the lengths these sorry people would go to keep their children in filthy abject poverty. We targeted the light skinned ones. They at least had a chance in society. To avoid capture the mothers would cover their children in dark mud, in the hope we would miss them. Anytime we arrived at at a camp, children would run off in all directions. Obviously the parents had told them to. It was a relief to finally lay our hands on them. I don’t like violence but it is a necessary evil if it will yield the best results. The best results being to allow civilised people like myself to remove the children and take them under wing where they will learn to read, write, speak properly and maybe one day be put to work as labourers and domestics.

Often, relatives would stray into the compound in search of family members but it was no time to get sentimental. I tried to keep them away of course but most times, the child saw their relative and would make a run for it. Their little bodies scaled the wire only to be shred by jagged barbs at the top. This boy Henry, when he spotted the ancient looking man approaching, he nearly jumped out of his skin and tried to escape in the other direction. I almost twisted his arms out of his sockets just to keep him still! Goodness me, what a feral child he was! Luckily, the Lord endowed me with incredible strength. I struggled and held him firm while Henry yabbered in his native tongue. The elderly relative nodded, squatted at the fence and made markings in the sand. He stood and pointed past us both to the tiny cemetery behind the homestead. He spat on the earthy picture and told me, ‘I feel the poisonous snake moving over my back. Round my neck. You make this boy body cold.’ I held Henry even closer to me ‘Is that what he just told you now?’ I asked. Henry was jumping hard enough for me to resort to a chokehold. ‘This boy longs for country.’ He swept his hand across the barren horizon. ‘Be off with you’ I hissed. ‘Can't you see how you're scaring the child? Take your evil witchcraft with you. This boy will get all the care he needs here. Don’t come back again.’ The old man muttered something to Henry then turned and walked away from the camp. Henry had relaxed a little. It was like he was defeated after that. I slapped the boy and dragged him back to the dorm where I employed the usefulness of Spare the rod, spoil the child to my best ability. He was not allowed to eat until I found out which children were slipping him food.

It was tragic but Henry had sensed the evil in that strange man just as I had. He was not the sort of child who would talk and lessons were very trying. Each time I recited the Lords Prayer, he put his hands together and uttered, ‘Our Father, snake, crawl on my skin. Snakes all around. I am men'. He took the punishments I meted out as if it were nothing and I exhausted myself many times. Henry was my greatest challenge. What else could he be? I loved that boy but he was thankless that I had rescued him by the grace of God. I gave him much of my time and attention but he never said anything other than the crawling snakes. My colleagues agreed how important it was to keep family members away. That so-called elder, scared Henry to the point where no amount of effort or discipline on behalf of the Lord could change what he was in his blood. Set in his heathen ways and lost to a pious existence, he faded from life, his soul left him bit by bit, neither a word uttered nor a tear shed. He was buried hastily and without fuss so as to avoid upsetting the other children who stood a much better chance than Henry. But my heart aches in rememberance of him. He is a testimony to the fact that one has the tiniest opportunity to save souls and the reminder that I failed at times is the true test of my faith in the Lord.

hillwalker
01-13-2011, 09:57 AM
Very intriguing piece, Delta. Reads more as memoir than short story - reminds me very much of the film 'Rabit-proof Fence'.

Good stuff

H

Lord Terrax XII
01-13-2011, 10:18 AM
As H said this is a very intriguing piece, and I too, felt that it was almost like a memoir.

To begin with I was tentative about whether or not I was actually going to enjoy this piece, but as I neared the end and the story came to a close, I found myself smiling, the way you do habitually while reading a good book.

So great job.

Oh and 'Anytime we arrived at at a camp', I noticed a small mistake; however, I did not see any others.

cyberbob
01-13-2011, 12:41 PM
It could use some polishing but it was very interesting and so far the best story I've read here. It left me wanting more.

Delta40
01-13-2011, 04:48 PM
I'm glad you see it as a memoir. I'm currently developing monologues for my characters. This exercise helps me understand them better and I can adapt it accordingly.

What impression do you have of Sister Mary?

Lord Terrax XII
01-13-2011, 04:52 PM
Well... My impressions of Sister Mary are as follows:

She seemed to be a nun, of course. She seems to truly want to help, yet doesn't tolerate insubordination. She is quick to punish and doesn't disown a good beating. She seems unhappy with her living condition and with her life in general.

That's what I got out of it.

Oh and she's pious.

Delta40
01-13-2011, 04:56 PM
Do you think she is capable of using her piety to satisfy a need to punish others?

PrinceMyshkin
01-13-2011, 05:32 PM
I'm wondering if you mean this


"Take me for example, I am not evil at all but there are people who look normal"

as a wink at us for how to read this? I kind of hope it is because otherwise I find this depiction rather two-dimensional: i.e., that Mary is either a born bigot or has been brain-washed to think in a very programmatic way.

I said that I hope the foregoing is meant to instruct us in how to read this, but even if it were, there isn't anything I found in the succeeding paragraphs that might give me grounds to feel sympathy for her or that but for some circumstance, she might have turned out to be a more empathetic human being.

Delta40
01-13-2011, 05:42 PM
I guess she was implying that
a) she is a good person
b) evil doesn't always look evil.

She does not question her goodness since she carries out the Lords work and prides herself on protecting children from the evil that comes near the compound - she believes she has a sense for it and yet fails to see anything wrong with the brutality she metes out to children and also takes a degree of pleasure in doing it.

My challenge is to develop a character who for all intents and purposes is a sweet old lady who likes to recall days gone by. However, stories like this - told gradually will shift the audience's belief in who they are dealing with - quite possibly a sadist. this is only my first venture so I would appreciate suggestions and ways to subtley transform Sister Mary from sweet to evil progressively.

hillwalker
01-14-2011, 10:41 AM
In that case you need to develop that sweetness because as this stands it's buried too deeply in her persona.

Maybe she should express more clearly the (apparent) love she felt for the children - some more than others -and how convinced she was that she was doing all this 'good' in the name of the Lord. Then slowly reveal exactly how that 'good work' was carried out; by taking children away from their families, undermining their cultural identity and of course by punishing any insubordination with apparent relish.

H

PrinceMyshkin
01-14-2011, 10:51 AM
I guess she was implying that
a) she is a good person
b) evil doesn't always look evil.

She does not question her goodness since she carries out the Lords work and prides herself on protecting children from the evil that comes near the compound - she believes she has a sense for it and yet fails to see anything wrong with the brutality she metes out to children and also takes a degree of pleasure in doing it.

My challenge is to develop a character who for all intents and purposes is a sweet old lady who likes to recall days gone by. However, stories like this - told gradually will shift the audience's belief in who they are dealing with - quite possibly a sadist. this is only my first venture so I would appreciate suggestions and ways to subtley transform Sister Mary from sweet to evil progressively.

Anyone who asserts their own "goodness" is likely, I think, to evoke our suspicion; on the whole t is up to others to pronounce us "good". As for carrying out "the Lord's work," that is always a tricky business. You need to ask yourself who your audience is likely to be: if it will be fellow doctrinaire Christians, then they might very well lap this up.

Otherwise I endorse what Hill wrote.

Delta40
01-14-2011, 05:22 PM
Thanks Hill and Prince. I think I will write more about how much she loves and cares, with a build up to the details of the sort of love she forcefully instils upon a child. Ultimately, this has to be about her character which exploits faith to enable her to feel pleasure in what she does. The character I am developing, is not a nun as I think relgion may be too overt and distracting. She does use some well placed bible quotes though.

PrinceMyshkin
01-14-2011, 05:45 PM
Thanks Hill and Prince. I think I will write more about how much she loves and cares, with a build up to the details of the sort of love she forcefully instils upon a child. Ultimately, this has to be about her character which exploits faith to enable her to feel pleasure in what she does. The character I am developing, is not a nun as I think relgion may be too overt and distracting. She does use some well placed bible quotes though.

I hope it is not impertinent of me to say that something in the above worries me as to your intent vis a vis Mary because "forcefully" and "love" don't belong in the same universe let alone the same sentence in my view, although of course we each define "love" according to our own purposes.

Delta40
01-15-2011, 03:02 AM
It is not impertinent at all. force and love are not good when they come together. Her love of force is hidden by a veil of piety, if you will.

zoolane
01-15-2011, 02:57 PM
Great story it seem that Sister Mary had best of intentions but has turn it to evil by misguild actions on be half of her faith. Her cared , love and her believe saved children to extent she one who has being brain wash by her faith.