Bat

[yuka]

From the window he breaks in
This intruder of the dark night
The fierce wings seem to want
To shake up the whole small country
We can’t see clearly his deathlike face
But silence, leave him beating wildly

The moonlight vanished already
The stars also gone away
In the dark only our even breathing
Faces against this black spirit

Like a fightingcock is going to defeat
The sounds of fluttering grow weaker and weaker
And seems to hear the striking of midnight
Rapidly he throws himself through the open window
Disappears into the vast darkness

[Jerrybaldy]

the grammar needs work Yuka, but the images are there and with work could be great
jerry

[blank|verse]

I agree with Jerry, that this is a very evocative encounter with nature, but would benefit from being easier to read, although I appreciate English is not your first language.

That said, the parataxis, where you don't join clauses in the standard way, like this:

His deathlike face we can’t see clearly
Have to silence, leave him beating wildly
works effectively in evoking the panic of the narrator and co.

[hillwalker]

Like a bat is batty - flitting about in a seemingly random manner - so your poem follows the same pattern and actually makes it much more effective stylistically. Some of the sentences consist of fragmented thoughts or incompleted phrases but overall that's not a distraction. I quite enjoyed it.

H

[Haunted]

I like the imageries too, but there are phrases I don't understand, for instance:


His deathlike face we can’t see clearly
Have to silence, leave him beating wildly

Who's silencing who? And how? "To silence" has an ominous component to it, like a mob hit. But it would fit here, maybe his beating wildly because he's dying?


In the dark only the even breathing
Faces against this black spirit

can't tell whose breathing it is, the persona or the bat. I just can't see the bat's breathing facing it's own spirit...

Also some parts are not gelling conceptually. What's the rooster doing there? I thought maybe daylight was advancing but then it's striking midnight. And if the bat "throws himself on the window", doesn't he crashes into it and hurt itself? How then could it "disappears into the vast darkness" through the glass? Maybe he broke the glass?

I think some rewrite is necessary but I definitely see a strong poem here.

[yuka]

Thank you Jerry, BV, Hill, and Haunted, for your taking time to read this and coment.

Haunted, especially thanks to you that I get to know I made a lot mistakes with this piece. I had made some correction, but not sure if all is okey now. about working on poems in English, I made mistakes that much sometimes because of my careless(I habbitly thinking in accordence with Chinese), but of course, mostly is because I 'm not sure exactly how to use those words. I know I need to do much to improve. thank you all

[Haunted]

It's a big improvement to an already fine poem. I just have a few more comments.


It’s from the window he breaks in
This messenger of the dark night

You can get right into it by dropping "it's". It doesn't mean anything outside of a grammatically complete sentence and it slows it down. ANd since you use "breaks in" which is in line with burglary, I would say it this way, but you don't have to follow it, it's just a suggestion.

From the window he breaks in
This intruder of the dark night


We can’t see clearly his deathlike face
But keep silence, leave him beating wildly

still not sure about the keep silence line. But since you 're using sensory words like "see", why not pair it with hearing:

We can’t see clearly his deathlike face
But silence, hear his black cloak flap wildly

The black cloak, being the wings, also alludes to Dracula...bats and vampires. But it's western culture, if it doesn't fit your scheme, leave it.

Lastly the fightingcock rattles me a bit. Again it's a western thing, it's inhumane and against the law to use animals in fighting. But I also wonder why it's weakening, I beg for a clue.

I really like the atmosphere you evoked here, you should be proud.

[yuka]

Thank you Haunted, your comment really a great help.

I think you are right with this:
From the window he breaks in
This intruder of the dark night
so I edited the original.

and:
We can’t see clearly his deathlike face
But silence, hear his black cloak flap wildly
because it's at night(in the dark also,I refer in verse3),since can't see his face, so I doubt if employing "black cloak" is good here?

and about fightingcock(or gamecock, not sure), actually, except china, in the past some European countries such as German Franch and English also played this kind of game. and comparing with playing cockfighting, boxing and bullfighting would much more inhumane, i think. and about weaken, if the fightingcock is going to defeat when fighting, of course it's fighting will be weaken. hehe, but I not sure still if I expressed clear within the poem.

I am so appreciated for your suggestion and question. thank you sweetie