Log in

View Full Version : Escaping Damnation - Part 1



Grit
01-10-2011, 08:09 PM
Erik sat anxiously tapping his bare foot on the cold stone ground. He would have to try soon, before it was too late. When he heard a click, he would spring forward, and drive the piece of broken bowl forward. The piece he had hidden from the guard, the brownish-orange piece he had sharpened for days. It felt light and maneuverable in his hand, an extension.

He opened his eyes; only dark grey light filled the room, coupled with the sound of dripping from the corner.

With a click, the cell door swung open and Erik flew forward, thrusting the sharp piece of rusty metal at the opening. When he felt resistance, he ripped through it. The guard fell to the floor with a thump, and he jumped over the corpse, his feet slapping the floor wetly as he made his escape.

Now Erik sits deep in the forest nearby that prison, hidden by dark ancient oaks, gnarled by the years. He watches as the flames of the fire crack and twist the wood and kindling. He knows that the townspeople will be outraged at his escape, that he managed to avoid justice. They’ll question whether God exists, as they should, when a man takes three beautiful souls from them and escapes his hellish fate. Erik smiles, because these thoughts amuse him. He knows God is no more than an ideal, something to cure the pain of life, a futile hope for the future. He’s known that there is no God for longer than he can remember.

Erik is tired, but he must not sleep, for the fear that an errant person happens across him and recognizes him as a wanted man. He watches the fire for a moment longer, than rises. He examines the trees, finds the mark he made and heads that direction.

He walks through the trees, they blend into one another. The forest feels like infinity, endless and cyclical. Erik breaks into a jog, no time to waste. When light breaks through the trees, marking the end of night and the start of the new day he cries. One day closer to the end.

The forest finally breaks, and Erik steps onto grass, shining in the sun. He walks, the mildew cleansing his filthy toes. The grass meets road a few miles later and Erik gets on it.

Erik walks in the sweltering heat for hours more, the rough road scratches his feet like sandpaper, and he wobbles every few steps. He unsticks his tongue from the roof of his mouth, and then stumbles to the left, and falls. He lies in the dirt, unconscious and drying out. Hours pass, the sun ticking through the sky minute by minute.

The sound of hooves approach, a youthful man stops his horse at the sight of Erik, slumped on the side of the road. The man jumps off his mount, and turns Erik over, sees his moving chest and spins the cap off his water skin. He pour water onto Erik’s dusty, cracked lips and into his body. Erik remains sleeping. The stranger stands, clasps his hands together, closes his eyes and whispers frantically, his face breaking with emotion. He then tosses Eric onto the back of his horse like a saddlebag, then remounts and rides away quickly.

Erik wakes in a cot, his legs hanging off the side awkwardly. He’s in a small wooden home, with another bed beside the one he sleeps on, a fireplace, a small wooden table and two chairs and some shelves. He sits up easily, feeling revived and fresh. It’s nice to be in a bed after so long on the road. He closes his eyes and drifts back to sleep.

He reawakens to the sound of crackling and the smell of cooking meat. He opens his eyes and sees a youthful stranger watching a pheasant cook over the fireplace. He sits up and his host turns towards him.

“Well, you’re finally awake. Had a nice rest I hope.” The stranger says, his wrinkle-free face beaming with a dimpled smile. He has a shaven brown-haired head and faded blue-grey eyes. “Food should be ready in just a few minutes. I’m David.” David stands and walks to the bed where he offers his hand.

Erik takes the stranger’s hand and shakes it, smiling at him. “My name’s Chris, thanks for saving me.”

David shrugs and grins sheepishly, “If I see someone passed out on the side of the road, I’m gunna help them. It’s just the right thing to do.”

David walks to the fire, removes the bird and prepares it. They feast and Erik savors the tender meat, the hearty meal very welcome by his starving body.

After the meal, David pours both men a drink and sits back in a chair, examining Erik closely. His eyes are lined and wrinkled, thick black bags decorate them and his nose appears to have been broken before. He has the body of someone who has missed many meals, bone-thin and wiry.

“What path brought you to be passed out face-down on a rarely-traveled road, far from civilization?” David asks, curiosity getting the best of him.

Erik thinks about killing this man for a moment, but decides against it, strange he feels some resistance to that action this time. Perhaps it is because he is a man. Erik thinks for a moment. “I’m searching for the man who killed my daughter.” He says, very pleased with the irony of his words.

David’s face goes still and he is silent for a moment. “I’m sorry about your loss.” He looks downwards, anguish apparent on his face.

Erik is surprised by his response and wonders what is bothering this stranger. “I sense you have your own dark path.” He says.

David says nothing for a moment and then looks Erik in the eyes. “What about your wife?” He asks intensely. “Surely God would prefer you console her in her sufferings.”

Erik thinks quickly, “She was taken with grief. Decided dying would be easier than living on without her sweet daughter. The bastard who took my daughter, took my wife with her and I will make sure he meet the appropriate fate.”

David is silent for a moment, “God will ensure that your mission is successful, although he doesn’t always help in the way you’d expect.” Another pause.

“It is apparent something is on your mind.” Erik says, watching David’s facial expression closely, one of deep sadness.

David’s eyes are drawn to the table, then her forces them away. On the table is a picture, looks like a portrait. David clears his throat, “My wife went to the nearby town not long ago, to buy some threads so she could weave some things to sell, get a little extra money. That was over a month ago, and I’ve received no word. I’m very worried.” David’s eyes cloud with tears and he looks away, as does Erik, hard to watch a grown man cry.

A few minutes pass in silence and David composes himself. “You are a good man Erik, you will find your demon, and destroy it and my wife will return God willing. I must retire for the night now, but I’ll speak to you on the morning.” David stands from his chair, blows out the hanging lanterns and quickly falls asleep, his snores filling the small home.

Erik stands quietly, once he has tested the truth of David’s slumber by calling his name aloud several times and walks to the table. He picks up the picture, framed with gilded golden wood. It’s a beautiful young woman, the same age as David, with dark red curls framing a heart-shaped face and warm smile. Erik is sure that David is lying about what has happened, he lacks the blind hope of a man with a missing wife. His pain is too real, too deep, so sure of his despair.

Erik walks back to his bed and lies, he isn’t sure what the truth is but he would find out.

Delta40
01-10-2011, 09:05 PM
strike this post. I wrote some hogwash about not understanding and now I do! I like the potential of this story and will read it again later.

Grit
01-11-2011, 05:01 PM
I'd love to get some feedback on this part or the story as a whole...Please comment! I will be forever grateful.

Delta40
01-11-2011, 05:07 PM
I am intrigued as I started out almost a little sorry for Erik and the dastardly lie he has just told David...but I'm thinking Erik may have killed David's wife too! At first I thought you got the characters mixed up. I fell into the mistaken belief that this kind man had lost his wife and child and he was hunting the killer and Erik was the man but actually this way gives it more potential, even though it is quite possible they 'stab' each other. Either way, I sense a twist in this story and I will read the other instalments. You have an easy narrative flow. I wonder what David means by telling Erik that he will get help but not in the way he expects...

Grit
01-11-2011, 05:11 PM
I am intrigued as I started out almost a little sorry for Erik and the dastardly lie he has just told David...but I'm thinking Erik may have killed David's wife too! At first I thought you got the characters mixed up. I fell into the mistaken belief that this kind man had lost his wife and child and he was hunting the killer and Erik was the man but actually this way gives it more potential, even though it is quite possible they 'stab' each other. Either way, I sense a twist in this story and I will read the other instalments. You have an easy narrative flow. I wonder what David means by telling Erik that he will get help but not in the way he expects...

thanks so much for responding Delta! I've been anxiously awaiting feedback. I honestly believe this is the most well written installment, i experiment with some weird prose and tone as they go on but I am sure you will let me know as you read. All I will say otherwise is you have strong reader's intuition. :D

Delta40
01-11-2011, 05:27 PM
lol. I think Hill is the King of that Hill!

hillwalker
01-11-2011, 05:34 PM
I enjoyed this and shall search out the remaining episodes. I also sense there is a twist in the tale that is yet to come. It was rather difficult to make all the individual components fit properly at the beginning - a prison with rather a rudimentary security system set in a forest close to townsfolk. But it's obviously set in some mythical past rather than in the present day.

I was curious as to why you chose to write it in present tense throughout. I know it can lend an immediacy to the events but it doesn't seem to be utilised for that purpose here.

You write well enough and the story flows easily - but there's very little characterisation which is why it is so easy to confuse the two protagonists. We don't see any of the events through either Erik's eyes nor David's because most of the story consists of reporting everything pretty much in the order they occurred. This makes it rather less interesting than if we were to have more insight into the workings of their minds or some reference to some element in their past.

For example, what passed through Erik's mind when he escaped from the prison - when he first saw David - or through David's mind when he tells of the loss of his wife and daughter?

We seem to be repeating the mantra on this forum lately of how a writer needs to 'show rather than tell' and for the most part this story does little more than tell. It's like a newspaper report - supplying the facrs but not the emotional drama that presumably passes through these two characters' lives.

But it shows a lot of effort on your part and it was gripping.

H

EDIT - whatever do you mean, Delta???

Grit
01-11-2011, 05:40 PM
I enjoyed this and shall search out the remaining episodes. I also sense there is a twist in the tale that is yet to come. It was rather difficult to make all the individual components fit properly at the beginning - a prison with rather a rudimentary security system set in a forest close to townsfolk. But it's obviously set in some mythical past rather than in the present day.

I was curious as to why you chose to write it in present tense throughout. I know it can lend an immediacy to the events but it doesn't seem to be utilised for that purpose here.

You write well enough and the story flows easily - but there's very little characterisation which is why it is so easy to confuse the two protagonists. We don't see any of the events through either Erik's eyes nor David's because most of the story consists of reporting everything pretty much in the order they occurred. This makes it rather less interesting than if we were to have more insight into the workings of their minds or some reference to some element in their past.

For example, what passed through Erik's mind when he escaped from the prison - when he first saw David - or through David's mind when he tells of the loss of his wife and daughter?

We seem to be repeating the mantra on this forum lately of how a writer needs to 'show rather than tell' and for the most part this story does little more than tell. It's like a newspaper report - supplying the facrs but not the emotional drama that presumably passes through these two characters' lives.

But it shows a lot of effort on your part and it was gripping.

H

EDIT - whatever do you mean, Delta???

Your points are very valid Hill, although I have reasons. As a young writer, I am working, obviously, to improve my craft. I have not written a third person story in years and felt the need to. I actually think it works quite well within the story, Erik is a sociopathic nutcase and it is supposed to be Third person from his point of view, so very detached and matter of a fact. I utilize the POV better as the story goes along, although it does change the tone and mood in parts. Again, this is an experimental piece, the entire thing.

Where am I telling and not showing? Not questioning that it is happening, simply looking to rectify this.

hillwalker
01-11-2011, 06:11 PM
Where am I telling and not showing? Not questioning that it is happening, simply looking to rectify this.

If you study the way you have presented us with the story there are a lot of places where you tell us what a character is or does -

Erik is tired - he cries - He walks - he gets on it - he wakes - he reawakens - David shrugs and grins - and so on

yet in none of the above statements do you take time to show us any of this happening through the characters' eyes. The reader needs to experience events through the character because most of us engage with the characters we read about. That's what decides whether a story is going to be gripping or not.

Rather than write Erik is tired - let the reader feel the aching in his limbs and the grit behind his eyes and the sour, metallic taste in his mouth.....

Don't tell us he walks - describe the feel of the cobbles under his bare feet and the scratch of thorns and the dust that works its way underneath his nails.....

If you don't then your writing is not going to be particularly well-received.

H