A tear for the peace.

[anzki4]

A Tear for the peace.


The sound of heavy footsteps,
running across the street.
All the panting and sweat,
giving it all to the beast.
The intense stench of powder
and the sound of blazing guns.
World leaders have given;
national call to arms!


Money; the greatest motive,
money; that controls it all.
Another war is starting,
to prevent economical fall.
Maybe someday we realize,
perhaps someday we’ll find peace.
To change this aggression,
and let all wars to be ceased.


--------------------------------------

Long time, no write. Please let me know if you like it. If you don't, please let me know either way.

[Delta40]

I think the last verse is rather insulting and disempowers any statements about war. somewhere somebody cares? What are you suggesting? As you let us all know that you are someone, somewhere who cares, this poem is really about you and little else. It carries no power because of the shift of focus from war to you.

I would suggest you remove the verse and edit the other two as rhyming makes this poem ineffectual also and steals the voice you could otherwise give it.

[anzki4]

@Delta40 I am sorry if I insulted you or anyone else, because that was not my intention. I did not mean that "someone" to be me, but rather someone - anyone- that thinks same way about war. That "someone" means anyone against war. I might revision this later, but now I am going to bed. (It is midnight here in Finland.) Once again sorry, if I unintentionally insulted someone.

[Delta40]

I know it is not your intention. I get the sense that war distresses you so writing about the pain of war itself is the best way of getting this across. The reader will have a clear understanding of your feelings between the lines as a great majority will agree with your tacit sentiments.

Good luck!

[hillwalker]

Writing about such an emotive issue as war - especially when so many are being sent to fight for some political purpose and not returning home - is at best difficult, and at worst offensive on a number of levels unless you have some personal experience of it.

Although I echo Delta's dislike for the last stanza (and indeed for the simplistic nature of the poem as a whole) I get the feeling it was well-intended; misguided rather than an attempt to gain sympathy or present yourself as more caring than others.

People say you should only write about what you know. I disagree with that because it's fun to write about something you have no real experience of. But in this instance you are far removed from the front line yet you have set yourself up as the voice of reason and moral truth.

I suggest you write your next poem about something a little less touchy - seeing as you are posting it on here for all the world to see. Poetry doesn't always have to be about making grand statements.

We all take ill-advised steps somewhere along the line - in your case it's unfortunate that we all got to watch.

Best wishes

H

[anzki4]

Thank you both for your comments. I have deleted the last verse, and might revision rest later - but not anytime soon.


I suggest you write your next poem about something a little less touchy - seeing as you are posting it on here for all the world to see. Poetry doesn't always have to be about making grand statements.

Perhaps that would be best ;)