im a new member. this is a poem-like

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

hello everybody
actually, im a new member. i have some tries in writing some poems. im crawling, not walking, so i want your oponions in order to develope my writing. i know it may be silly, but dont laugh, caz im a beginer.
i wrote this one for my professor when he got retired.

age after naught, comes emptiness from life
the time with harsh tusk tears the breath and laugh
in death lives wailing birth of human's woe
at burning hours of wasted days of foe
in depth and harm in vain of time with grief
regret of loss can slaughter hope with beef
but wait and see his way of life and fight
upon the vailing years he creeped with light
he cleaned the sweat from brow of empty time
and lighted cycles of ages dwelt in gloom
candles melt to free the eye from dark and die
the sun gives life to pass to night and die
but you did light to free the mind and live
and dwell in hearts of ours to be your sleeve

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

oh, thank u somebody. that was a nice empty analysis. im looking forward to another reply.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

First, you posted this in the incorrect area. It should be under "Personal Poetry." Second, this isn't a forum where all topics are answered instantly. Deal with it, preferably in a manner not quite as unpleasant.

As to your poem, I enjoyed some of the imagery, but I can't really discern a meaning. There are other members here more well versed in poetry than me, so hopefully some of them will take a look.

[Seasider]

This may not be a "politically correct " reply but I think it might be better to write your poems in your own language and get help, advice and constructive criticism from people who will understand your sentiments. Meanwhile you might continue with your studies in English and as you become more fluent try again.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I could not follow this thanks to the unidiomatic way you use the English language. Surely you'd be better off trying to write something in prose first?

[Delta40]

I was a little baffled but probably because English is your second language. I would suggest you take out the rhymes. Poetry can be just as if not more effective when the rhyme is removed. I like the line: regret of loss can slaughter hope with beef
but I felt I was being twirled round and round in a haze of words that did not really lead anywhere.

I am not laughing at your poetry and obviously you feel deep regard for your Professor, so on that note, I recommend you keep writing!

[billl]

I can understand the last 4 lines the best:


candles melt to free the eye from dark and die
the sun gives life to pass to night and die
but you did light to free the mind and live
and dwell in hearts of ours to be your sleeve

and I think it's pretty good, but more experience with the language might lead you to change a few things.

here's some ideas

candles melt to free the eye from dark and die [this is quite nice the way it is!]
the sun gives life to pass to night and die [this is OK, but the obvious idea that the sun RETURNS is ignored, which is strange]
but you did light to free the mind and live ["but you gave light to free the mind to live" or "made light"]
and dwell in hearts of ours to be your sleeve ["and dwell in our hearts to be your sleeve" I thought "hearts of ours" was bumpy rhythm--it is sort of fancy and unexpected. However, if you are trying to match the rhythms elsewhere or something, it would be OK. Just not my taste.]

The last metaphor (the grateful students will go on and accomplish things, but with some credit given to the teacher, as if his/her heart were moving them, and the students were the clothing that follow his/her heart's lead) is quite good, very interesting--I really like it! BUT... In English, the word "sleeve" is not very beautiful, it isn't important-sounding, it is not a great word to end the poem with. It sounds like just part of a piece of clothing in the closet. In English, it might be more expected to use a glove, instead of referring just to the sleeve part of a shirt. It just seems strange, and I wonder if "the sleeve" has some greater significance in your culture or first language.) Again, I really like it, but usually "glove" would be used for this sort of idea, maybe.

The rest of the poem didn't seem quite as good to me, but I think the idea behind the words is very nice. Sometimes the problem might be word choice ("beef" is another word that really sounds sort of ugly or mundane in English--Ah, but now I see that Delta liked that line!). And it seemed like the same basic idea was being repeated (but with some variations). I think that the last four lines sort of make a nice little poem, by themselves...

As someone else mentioned, writing prose might be less challenging (but still quite difficult, even for the native best writers in any language...). You have interesting ideas and metaphors--I hope you like to employ them in prose at this point in your studies, as well. (But keep writing poetry, too--it might be a fun way to experiment...)

EDIT: the more I think about it "sleeve" is very interesting here, and it might have been fantastic if you had mentioned the teacher's shirt or arm earlier in the poem.

[hillwalker]

The sentiments behind this poem are so touching and I'm sure your teacher would have been honoured that his time with you was not forgotten.

But it's very difficult to see beyond the 'grand statements' that actually don't say very much at all because they don't make a lot of sense - phrases like

age after naught - tears the breath and laugh - of wasted days of foe - cycles of ages dwelt in gloom

are almost impossible to grasp. People don't speak in this way and it isn't necessry for poetry to be written in such a convoluted style.

And as for this line - regret of loss can slaughter hope with beef - I just don't see the link between hope and beef.

There's a lot of sound advice already been given - learn to express yourself clearly before attempting something so ambitious would be mine.....

H

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

thank u seasider, but it doesnt matter wether my native language is english or not, caz conard wrote "heart of darkness" while english was his 3rd language and then, this novel became one of the greatest novels in english literature.

thank u mr prince. i have tired to write prose and i have many tries, but i think poetry is more enjoyable and powerful, and definitely, ill work on ur advice. thank u.

delta. that was very encouraging for a beginner like me.sir, i think the word "beef" is the same as "regret" in english though its popular meaning is the famous one. but here, i mean regret.thank u.

Bill..that was a very objective and helpful criticism for this poor poem. i think u r right in the cultural difference about the line of sleeve. caz in some situations, sleeve has a great importance to convey the meaning of despair and respect. but sir, i think u didnt notice the rest of the poem very well. i dont wanna be rude, but i think i tried to mix the regret and respect in this few lines. additionally, i tried to convey of mortality of time and the immortality of the scholars. anyway, i do appreciate ur replies and these valuable points. thank u.

thank u hillwalker. i think i was influenced by the deep style of philosophers though i cant even pronounce the "ph" of philosophy yet. but i tried to express the immortality of scholars with this introduction... above all, i think u have raised a nice point...do u think that the contemporary style is a very clear and understood style?....

thank u everybody... i didnt claim that i am a poet, caz it is a very sacred word which cant be said everywhere as one desire...if u dont mind, may i present my other poem-likes?

[Delta40]

of course you can present them. Beef does not mean regret.

Example of 'I've got a beef with you' = I have a bone to pick or there is something we need to sort out or I'm not happy with you because you said you would pay me that loan back by last week and you haven't!
Example of 'What is your beef?' = What is your problem?

These are Australian translations and it is quite possible that other countries have their own interpretation but I hope this helps

[Cunninglinguist]

Try to employ some punctuation to help the reader navigate through your lines. As for the rhyming scheme, I like it. Please keep using it; I don't think enough people rhyme. If your goal is merely to become a better writer I don't think you're being overly ambitious; the best way to get better is to try tackling things you don't know how to do well.

I emphasize the points billl made about the words "beef" and "sleeve." At least for the style this poem is in (Elizabethan, loose iambic pentameter), the imagery is a sort of violation of etiquette or ineffective. Also the statement "slaughter with beef" makes little sense to me - are you killing something by beating it to death with some Angus steak? Or do you mean it is slaughtered merely with propinquity to some beef? But this would be absurd. The preposition "with" does not seem right. You may want to compare "regret of loss" with a thief instead of beef.

Good luck and welcome to litnet.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

thank u delta for this clarification.

nice point linguist. ill try to manage everything, thanks