The Glass Wall

[Delta40]

Drug filled eyes
hospital white
she saw her future
as a nauseating blur
The blip, blip
and IV line drip
reminded her
how she needed
more than a soul
to function right now.

Groggy head
slow motion bed,
she heard the distant cry
of newborn babies
On all fours
she crawled to the door
and used one frame
to support another.

A bedraggled body scraped
along the corridor wall,
stopping to recall
the delights of patchy
love and sharp twinges
of pain.
He'd left her in the lurch
again.

The drip stand rattled
while an old woman cackled.
Someone called out 'Grandma'
She wove to and fro
and veered to the right
where she was hit by
streams of glaring light.
Rows and rows of thriving life
incubated under uniform observation.

She pressed her face
against the glass as if
every girls dreams
were made of the smooth surface.
She watched new parents
behold their bundles of joyous wonder.

A smiling nurse approached
She shrank back with caution
the remnants of her abortion
puddling in pools of blood
'Which baby is yours?'
sang the muffled voice from
from behind the shiny pane.

The question peeled away
her deteriorating outer layer.
She giggled at the thought
of 'where is my baby?'
and found she could not stop.
her mind spiralled as tears soaked
into the depths of
hospital grade blue carpet.

The girl lay there
absorbing the shards of rationale
that she had made
the right choice

[hillwalker]

There's a lot of care gone into this - more than meets the eye on first reading :

Lines like

Groggy head/slow motion bed

or

and used one frame/to support another

introducing originality into a theme that's been covered so often.

Rhyme puts in an appearance now and again - without being too obtrusive.

But I do think it lost some of its potency in the first 4 lines of verse 5 where we are required to refocus on the new parents and incubators. I believe introducing these superficial images lessens the impact of the remainder of the verse - and dilutes the crisis point in verse 6.

Also the almost slap-stick destruction in the final verse (lines 3 to 6) lessens the impact of her falling 'like a bag of potatoes' and her internalised grief.

With the tiniest of adjustments this could be one of your best.

H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hill. Do you mean I should delete/adjust lines 3-6 in the final verse and remove 1-4 of v5?

[PrinceMyshkin]

I could do without the "bag of potatoes" because I believe it's the only simile in the poem, the only place where I'm put in mind that someone is constructing this for me to read rather than recording it exactly as a camera would.

On the other hand I'm quite agreed with Hill that the intermittent nature of the rhymes is a whole lot more effective than if it were to rhyme all the way through. The on-again off-again character of it seems almost to mimic the character's inadvertent connection with reality.

[hillwalker]

Thanks Hill. Do you mean I should delete/adjust lines 3-6 in the final verse and remove 1-4 of v5?

I see no harm in deleting lines 1 to 4 in v 5. The poem's flow is then maintained.

The final verse - it's just the image of a drip-stand crashing through the glass wall and the general hysteria that followed I found out of keeping with the subtlety of what went before (and what follows in the last 2 lines).

But I hate commandeering someone else's work so it's always your decision that's final.

H

[Delta40]

I guess a bag of potatoes is a bit off.

I'm struggling to get rid of the parents joy stuff. perhaps it could be edited but I did want to have some sort of contrast.

I'm such a poor rhyming poet. I don't have an iambic bone in my body!

I'm also a tragic editor and it is true that its better to hold the knife in my own hand but I hate to see a creation bleed if the end result will only give it scars....still we do not know until we try :)

ok there is an edit but I'm a bit shaky. I get your point Hill and Prince and you're right that it still flows. I actually think this is a bit melodramatic

[hillwalker]

I know exactly how you feel, mutilating your own babies!!

In which case something along the lines of

She pressed her face
against the glass as if
every girls dreams
were made of the smooth surface
and watched as Joyous parents.....
.....was theirs to behold.

(fill in your own blanks) might work better because the reader's focus remains on the girl (which is the whole point of the poem I'm guessing).

H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hill. In your opinion does this flow better?

[hillwalker]

It maintains the reader's focus better, certainly. And you get to offer the contrast between the 'haves' and 'has not'.

H

[firefangled]

Delta, this is a powerful piece. I didn't get to see the original, but I cannot see "bag of potatoes" fitting anywhere, so taking the advise offered was a good move. I agree with Hill, there is more here than one read can mine.

You made some very good choices for her journey down the corridor and how she perceived her environment.

I thought this was excellent. If you tweak it be very gentle.